


100 Special Moments

by FlawlessIvory



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: I CAN'T WRITE SMUT FOR SHIT, M/M, imported because i wish to share my work here, shorter chapters grew to longer, some drabbles have death, some drabbles have sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-04-30 03:07:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 58,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5148011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlawlessIvory/pseuds/FlawlessIvory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The first time I met you, my heart whispered 'that's the one'". 100 short drabbles featuring all the Junjou Romantica couples, from cute and smutty to angsty and tragic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sometimes

**Junjou Egoist**

**Sometimes**

Rarely, but often enough so that Nowaki wasn't always surprised by the occurrence, Hiroki would curl up in one of Nowaki's oversized shirts and sleep.

The first time this had happened, was when Nowaki returned home from a night shift that had lasted exactly nine hours. He had arrived back home at six A.M., half-awake and desperate for the presence of his lover. He had opened the door to meet the lights in the main room on.

Nowaki blinked sleepily in surprise. Had Hiroki stayed up and waited for him? Did Hiroki get sick? He hurried to shrug off his coat and take off his shoes to see what had made his Hiro-san stay up at such a late -well technically early- hour.

He padded into the living room, almost silently, but didn't hear or see Hiroki up and wandering around.

He glanced over to the couch to see the television on and showing the News. He peered over the couch to see Hiroki curled up sleeping, with a light blanket covering only his legs and revealing his clothed torso. Nowaki smiled softly, not yet noticed the shirt Hiroki was wearing, and moved to pull the blanket off of the brown haired man so he could move him to their bed.

That is when he noticed it. Hiroki was wearing one of Nowaki's favorite shirts that Hiroki must have washed while he was at work. Nowaki's smile only grew and he had to force down the desire to jump Hiroki and shower him in kisses and affection. Hiroki honestly had no idea what effect he had on Nowaki, or maybe he did. But either way, Nowaki was wrapped right around his finger. Not in a bad way though.

Silently, and smoothly Nowaki scooped up Hiroki into his muscular arms and carried him towards their bedroom where Hiroki had obviously tried sleeping in earlier; on Nowaki's side. That was another thing Nowaki came to notice that Hiroki did when he had the late shift. Was he growing attached to him, to the point where he had to get as close to Nowaki as he could? Cute.

He set Hiroki down on the bed and tucked him in, then kissed his forehead softly and told him that he loved him. Nowaki turned to go turn off the lights and television after stealing one last glance at Hiroki's calm, sleeping face.

Nowaki was prepared for Hiroki to wake up in the morning, blush darkly before stuttering multiple combined excuses of why he was wearing Nowaki's shirt, before throwing a book at Nowaki because he couldn't conjure up a good enough excuse to fool his giant lover. Nowaki had to admit, those mornings were always the most entertaining.


	2. Postcard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiroki's reaction to Nowaki's postcard, the first sent thing from his lover in America in over a year.

**Junjou Egoist**

**Postcard**

When Kamijou Hiroki had checked his mail on that sunny Sunday morning, he wasn't expecting a letter -well, postcard- from his absent lover.

He had crouched down, his back leaning against the door for support, as he shakily opened the envelope. He hadn't heard from his lover in a year, so he was nervous as to what the contents of the envelope held. Had Nowaki been in a tragic accident? Was this the letter that broke his relationship that he had with Nowaki?Or, maybe, it was a letter explaining his sudden disappearance with a heartfelt apology. Hiroki could only hope that it was the last option.

He was caught between crossroads over actually reaching into the envelope and reading the letter or trash it and pretend that he had never received it in the first place. Unfortunately, he knew the latter would never settle with him, and five minutes later he would dive to the trash and dig out the letter.

He just had to be a big boy and reach into the envelope now instead of making a fool of himself by digging in the trash desperately, trying to find the letter later. With a deep, shuddering breath he tore out the letter. Wait, this wasn't a letter!

It was a stupid postcard with some stupid palm tree picture on the beach with the words,  _SEE YOU SOON,_  written on the picture in all caps. He flipped it over with narrowed eyes as he skimmed over what Nowaki had written. He was coming back home from New York in a week.

New York?! He left Japan, without a trace to go visit New York, with no word to Hiroki? He didn't even leave an explanation as to why he left with such urgency that he could even wake Hiroki up to tell him. He explained nothing!

Hiroki narrowed his eyes at the postcard, hoping that it would burn a hole through it, but couldn't physically bring himself to rip the card into shreds. It had Nowaki's neat hand writing on it, and the date he was coming back. Plus, it was a sign that Nowaki was still thinking about him, that he might still be in love with him, that they weren't over. They still had a chance to make it through this.

Hiroki couldn't help the small smile that graced his lips at his next thought. Nowaki was coming home, Nowaki was returning to him.


	3. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinobu's thoughts on his and Miyagi's age difference.

**Junjou Terrorist**

**Closer**

If you took one look at Shinobu and Miyagi strolling down the streets of Japan together, your first thoughts would most likely be,  _Oh, a teacher and student who get along._

But with that minor, single glance you have got their relationship all, totally wrong. They weren't a teacher and student who happened to get along well, a father and son, or even friends. They were lovers. Lovers, who happened to have a very large age difference. Seventeen years to be exact.

That is what bothered the sandy blonde. That is what the blonde hated about their relationship with a passion. Even though he never showed much concern about it while Miyagi frets over it. Though, during those moments while Miyagi is moaning about it, the only reason Shinobu tells him to shut up and that he's whining about something that isn't important, is because he doesn't want to talk about it. Hear about it. Or even think about it for a second, because if he did he would sputter out all his troubled thoughts on the subject.

He didn't want Miyagi knowing that he secretly did multiple things to bring their relationship closer even by an inch. To get the age gap to dissolve to the back of their troubled minds, to where that didn't matter at all. He knew it was all wishful thinking, that it would never happen, but he was still a child. A child that hoped and dreamed over things that would never happen.

The attempt on dissolving the age gap had started with a task as simple as cooking. It was to show that he was mature enough to cook meals on his own even though he came from a very wealthy family. That he knew how to take care of himself.

Then, it came to sex. Older couples had sex to bring their relationships closer, to bring them closer together. So, he decided to finally have sex with Miyagi. When it had happened, he didn't whine, cry or flinch. He wouldn't let himself do that because men wouldn't do that, a child would. He never wanted to come across as a child, a brat, in Miyagi's eyes.

Even after that, he had made studying one of his main priorities. He studied until he collapsed from exhaustion because he wanted to be able to get a good job that paid well. A job that would be able to support Miyagi without any effort.

Support Miyagi. That was all Shinobu really wanted to do. He wanted to stop being so dependable on Miyagi, like a spoiled child. That was the last thing he wanted to look like, because would have Sensei looked like a spoiled child? Absolutely not.

So, he had to do everything in his power to become the perfect image of her, so he could fool Miyagi. So Miyagi thought that he was really with Sensei. So that Miyagi would love him.


	4. Takahiro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misaki's thoughts on his older brother.

**Junjou Romantica**

Misaki had never felt so jealous over his older brother before whom he loved dearly. But when it came for the battle for Akihiko's affections, which was an unknown battle to Takahiro, Misaki couldn't help but wish he and his brother were switched. That way he would have Akihiko all to himself.

You see, all Misaki felt like all he would be towards the silver haired man was a replacement for his brother. He wanted Akihiko to really love him for the real him, not keep him around because he was the perfect replacement for his brother. But he could never bring himself to leave. He loved the man too much.

You have no idea how many times Misaki had packed his bags, preparing to walk out of the man's life forever. But each and every time he wouldn't be able to walk out the door. He would stand there, duffel bag in hand, door straight in front of him and break down.

He would fall completely apart, cursing his brother, cursing Akihiko and cursing himself. With silent tears slipping down his flushed cheeks, he would pick himself back up and trudge back up the stairs knowing that it was pointless to try again. He went through this bitter procedure once every other week. He was torturing himself and he knew it, but he just couldn't tear himself away from Akihiko's powerful clutches.

So, when the moment came for him to show affections towards Akihiko he would hesitate because Takahiro would. When it came time to tell Akihiko he loved him, he wouldn't say it because Takahiro never did. Then, when it came to sex he would put up a halfhearted struggle because Takahiro never wanted to sleep with Akihiko.

But if Misaki was Takahiro, he would shower Akihiko with affection, tell him he loved him every single day, multiple times, and sex wouldn't be a struggle. He would give himself fully to the man in every way.

Misaki knew the time would come when he cracked and told Akihiko that he loved him and begged him to not be a toy or replacement anymore, but he dreaded that day. Though, he clung to a hope that Akihiko would smile and tell him he really loved him too, not Takahiro. That was just a childish dream to keep him going though, he knew when he confessed to Akihiko he would be thrown out like last weeks garbage. Then Akihiko would wait for another suitable replacement.

In two simple words: Love Sucked.


	5. Taking Responsibility

**Junjou Terrorist**

Miyagi Yoh isn't sure how many times these past two years he has eaten something with either cabbage or pumpkin somewhere in the dish. He was beginning to believe he was going to turn into a giant vegetable and that was when Shinobu would be satisfied with his work.

So, when he arrived back to his and Shinobu's apartment after a long day of work, which included him barging in on Hiroki and  _his_ own lover this time, he was surprised to smell something different in the air. :"Shinobu-chin?" he called into the small area. "What are you making in there?"

He heard a loud clatter of pots and pans, shortly followed by a surprised yelp before Shinobu's head popped out of the kitchen. His face was bright red, and his lips were turned down into a tight frown, which obviously showed his current embarrassment. "Um, nothing really. At least, nothing edible."

Miyagi raised an eyebrow as he loosened his tie, his intrigued emotion quickly changing into one of concern for his poor kitchen. "You're not trying to create a mutant in there or anything, are you? It smells… incredibly strange."

Shinobu's eyebrows immediately drew together in mild annoyance as he stepped out of the kitchen, hastily untying the apron that he was wearing. to protect his clothes. "Don't be ridiculous, Miyagi. It was just a failed attempt for a dish, which is just something I'll have to improve on. But, now, I hope you haven't spent all of your extra money at that used bookstore because I'm starving and don't have the patience to wait for another homemade meal here."

Miyagi sighed and ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head as he did so. "No, I've still got plenty of money for something from that restaurant that's just down the street. Let me just change into something more comfortable and we'll head down there, alright?" Shinobu nodded and sat down on the couch, waiting for Miyagi to quickly finish changing.

When they actually arrived at the diner, Shinobu was less than pleased to discover that there was a bar connected to the actual area where people were supposed to be eating. "How am I supposed to peacefully eat while there are blubbering drunk idiots stumbling around the place?" he asked irritably as the waitress guided them to their booth.

The young waitress ahead of them turned to look at the couple over her shoulder and smiled politely. "I assure you, sir, that we kick those kinds of people out immediately. If they wish to get completely wasted like that, they are to go to an actual bar and not a simple diner."

Shinobu sighed, but accepted her answer and scowled at Miyagi when he elbowed him teasingly in the ribs. "Who's acting like the old man now, Shinobu-chin? I thought I was the one who was supposed to gripe about this kind of thing and get under your skin about it."

"You do complain about stupid things," Shinobu answered testily, raising a fine eyebrow. "Like that grocery store that we went to last Sunday that had the music playing too loud. You moaned about it the entire time we were there and I ended up not getting everything on our list just to get you to shut up."

Miyagi feigned offense by putting a hand over his heart and looking appalled. "Shinobu, that's so rude of you to say. I was merely stating my opinion about how the establishment played the radio far too loud and it was distracting while comparing prices."

"Comparing prices my ass," Shinobu grumbled under his breath as he slid into one of the sides of their table. "You just pick the first thing up from the shelf and throw it into the couch. I'm sure that you can't be distracted from doing something as simple as that."

"You would be surprised," was all Miyagi had replied before folding open a menu and scanning through the foods they served at the bar/diner. As his eyes skimmed through the options, he could hear the slight rustle of somebody sitting down on Shinobu's side of the table. He looked up, surprised to see a guy Shinobu's age slinging an arm around his lover's shoulders and slurring something into his ear drunkenly.

"Hey, Shu," he hiccuped and smiled at the sandy blonde lazily. The guys cheeks were flushed due to obvious earlier alcohol consumption and Shinobu glared at the man easily.

"What do you want, Izumi? And get your arm off of me," he snapped and yanked Izumi's arm away with an added force that was most likely not needed.

The guy, Izumi, simply let his arm drop but only scooted closer so his thigh was pressing against Shinobu's. "Don't play so hard to get, Shinobu. You know you still want me. Us breaking up was a mistake, ya know?"

Shinobu's lips thinned into a tight line and his eyes narrowed while his eyebrows pinched together. It was an expression that Miyagi had seen multiple times on his younger lover, which was typically showed at him when he was extremely displeased with something. Miyagi would be making that same exact face right now if it wasn't for his constant easy-going composure.

Whoever this guy was, ex-boyfriend or not, he had absolutely no right whispering things like that into his Shinobu's ear and pressing up against him the way he was. Shinobu only sighed and tried to push Izumi away and out of his personal bubble zone.

"Look, Izumi, we broke up for a very specific reason, and I can assure you that it was not a mistake. I was in love with somebody else, and you had been cheating on me with numerous people while we were together. So, if you wouldn't mind, please get out of my sight and go back from where you came from."

Izumi narrowed his hazed eyes at Shinobu angrily and clenched his jaw together. "I was not cheating on you, and I especially love how you just had to tell every-fucking-body that I did. Ruined my reputation you know?"

Shinobu looked at his menu, clearly not caring about what Izumi was carrying on about. He hummed as his ex continued to blabber on and he glanced at him from the corner of his eye. "Wait, you're telling me that I somehow ruined your reputation? Are you and I talking about the same one that classified you as a player who continued to break girls and boys hearts left and right? Yeah, a really tore your reputation to pieces didn't I?"

"You know what, Shinobu, you haven't changed one bit since before you left for Australia. You're still a stupid boy who's chasing after his prince charming, who need I remind you, is more than twice your age? Are you fuckin' sick or something? Who's into that kind of shit? It's gross!"

Miyagi slammed his menu down onto the table harshly, startling his already shocked lover and the intruder. "I don't know who you think you are kid, but you need to stay out of Shinobu's business. He obviously cut ties with you a long time ago, so stop being a desperate drunk who just wants to get into his pants for tonight. Also, who Shinobu loves is his own personal decision, and he doesn't need your opinion on whether it's right or not. Get your one night stand somewhere else, and fuck off."

He reached over for Shinobu's wrist and pulled him out of the booth suddenly, dragging him swiftly back outside. "We'll get something at the convenience store tonight. We can try that place out another time if you'd-"

Miyagi was cut off short when Shinobu suddenly dragged him down from his jacket collar and into a short, rough kiss. Miyagi's eyes widened throughout every second of it, and when Shinobu pulled away from it, the elder of the two sputtered as he backed away slightly. "W-what are you doing in a public street, Shinobu?! Anybody could have seen."

Shinobu rolled his blue-gray eyes and buried his face into Miyagi's chest for a split second before backing away again and starting back down the empty street. "Relax, no one saw. But… I just wanted to say thank you. It meant a lot that you did that."

Miyagi shrugged, fighting off the rush of embarrassment that quickly followed after he had heard Shinobu speak. "It was honestly nothing really. All I did was stand up for you, anybody would have done it."

Shinobu shook his head and reached out to lace their fingers together, squeezing Miyagi's hand briefly. "No, it wasn't just that. It was the fact that it's becoming clear that you're finally taking on your responsibility for making me fall in love with you."

In that moment, Miyagi wasn't sure if it was the chilly winter air that was making his cheeks pink, or the warmness that developed in his chest from Shinobu's quiet words.


	6. The Truth Comes Out

**Junjou Romantica**

Akihiko woke up late one night, or very early in the morning depending on how you looked at it, after a constant chill running along his exposed skin tickled him to consciousness. He groaned lowly, trying to roll over to his side in order to curl Misaki against him for warmth, but soon realized he wasn't there. He blinked his tired lavender eyes open, scanning lazily around the room before sitting up slowly.

The space where Misaki usually slept was cold, as if he hadn't been there at all tonight, and the bedroom door was wide open which explained the draft. Akihiko sighed heavily, sliding out of the bed so he could go investigate and make sure that his young lover was alright. He glanced towards the clock on his way, and the multicolored digital numbers showed it was a few minutes passed three A.M.

Misaki had probably gotten some sort of case of midnight munchies and went downstairs for a quick snack and ended up falling asleep on the couch while watching TV. It wouldn't be the first time this kind of thing had occurred. But, when Akihiko reached the middle of the staircase, he realized there was no hum of the television or any light shining dimly from the main lounge.. However, there was a soft sound of sobbing and hiccuping coming from the exit of the apartment.

Akihiko quickly bound down the rest of the stairs, flicking on a light in the main room to illuminate the room. "Misaki?" he breathed out, his voice too shaky and shocked for his own liking. Misaki was crouched over on the hardwood floor, his shoulders shaking and a duffle bag being clutched by his hand at his side. His head immediately snapped up at the sound of Akihiko's voice and turned to look at him.

His eyes were bloodshot, tears still trickling down his flushed cheeks, and snot was beginning to drip down from his nose. "U-usagi-san," he stammered out weakly and slowly began to pick himself up from the floor, as if he didn't have enough strength to accomplish the simple movement. "I'm sorry for waking you. Go back to sleep. I'll be up there in a few minutes."

Akihiko could feel his heart pounding obnoxiously against his ribcage, threatening to pop right out of his chest. The house had grown suspiciously colder throughout the past few moments, and for a foolish second he wondered if the AC unit was broken. Then, he realized, it was his blood merely freezing up in his veins from his worst fear unfolding right before his very eyes.

"You were about to leave, weren't you?" he asked, his voice hoarse as if he hadn't spoken for weeks. But it wasn't that, he had spoke just recently, he was just afraid to speak louder. He was terrified that if he raised his voice higher than a whisper, Misaki would shoot out the door in a panicked rush like he had done many times throughout the past four years, but this time it would be different. This time, he wouldn't be coming back.

Misaki swallowed past the lump in his throat, his eyes stinging with fresh tears that were pushing against the back of the iris. His throat was beginning to get sore, and he was unable to speak around the annoying lump that only continued to grow bigger each time he tried to push it away. "Yes," he managed out after a few painful clock ticks.

Akihiko couldn't help the strained scoff that clawed its way up his throat. Why was he so surprised and hurt? He knew that this was inevitably going to come sooner or later, but he guesses that even though he'd prepared himself for it, every imaginary scenario never would hurt as much as the real thing. This was the real thing, and God, did it hurt him right now. He felt like he couldn't breathe in enough of the cold air that was surrounding him, successfully choking him. The icy hands were wrapping around his neck, a quiet voice laughing at him in the background.

' _Even after doing everything you could, you still couldn't get him to stay. You couldn't even get him to say I love you, besides that once he was just feeling bad for you,'_  it whispered at him harshly, wounding him just the way it was wanting to.

"Then why are you on the floor crying?" he asked quietly, crossing his arms over his chest as if he wasn't experiencing the torture he was inside of his mind. It kind of felt like his body was almost shutting down on him. Of course, that was a bit of an exaggeration, but there was no better way to describe it.

"Oh," Misaki choked up, clutching his duffle bag even tighter in his hand until his knuckles turned pasty white. "Right. You want me out as soon as possible, don't you?" He laughed bitterly and wiped his eyes furiously with his free hand, angry at himself for crying. It was his own fault for falling for this man; he did this to himself.

Akihiko couldn't help the furrow in his eyebrows that had occurred after Misaki's statement, and his hand itched to reach out and wrap itself around Misaki's small wrist to hold him back from leaving him. He couldn't bring the words out, though. The words of confusion, denial, hurt, love; anything that would make Misaki stay with him. Let him live in his fantasy world for just a bit longer, to delude himself into thinking that the smaller man was really, truly in love with him.

Don't," was the only word he could force out when he saw Misaki's shaky hand grip the door handle, and twist it until he could hear the click of the door opening. This was it. When Misaki walked out, and the door slammed back shut behind him, he would be gone for good. Akihiko shut his eyes tightly, not wanting to see it happen.

Misaki hesitated, not understanding Akihiko's uttered word that was filled with so much distress it made MIsaki want to break down into a puddle of his own tears once again. He turned his head to look over his shoulder, only to see Akihiko's head up high, but his face was twisted with sorrow and his eyes were clenched shut tight.

"Usagi-san?" he whispered quietly, letting the door click back into place, the sound echoing beautifully around the dim lit room. "Why… I don't understand why you're so upset. You can find a replacement better than me in no time. I'm probably dull by now, and I'm not fresh enough for you to pretend anymore."

Akihiko's eyes snapped open wide, his arms falling away from his chest, allowing himself to lose all composure. "What do you mean  _pretend?_ What have I ever pretended around you ever, Misaki?"

Misaki blinked, his posture slumping considerably with a short breath as if it was too much of an effort anymore to keep himself standing up straight anymore. "You… with my brother. I can't be a replacement for him anymore. It hurts too much."

Akihiko shook his head, unable to believe what Misaki was saying to him. "You've never been a replacement for, Takahiro! Where could you have even possibly gotten a ridiculous idea like that? How could I have ever made you believe that were even somewhat of that kind of role in my life? I wouldn't have gone through everything I have with you if you were just a measly replacement."

Misaki let out a whimper, dropping the bag to the ground and he brought his hands up to his eyes, rubbing them furiously. "I'm sorry," he whispered and pressed his back against the door, sighing shakily. "It was just something I had figured you were doing to keep me around because I am related to my brother. Like, the closest you could get to being with him romantically."

Akihiko sighed again and took two long steps forward before pulling the trembling boy in his arms, holding him close. "I apologize for making you feel this way. You have never been a replacement for anybody, and you never will be. I love  _you_  Misaki. Not your brother, not Aikawa, not anyone else. Just you."

Misaki sobbed openly into Usami's chest, his slender arms reaching out to wrap themselves around the elder man who seemed to always smell like cigarettes, the familiar smell that MIsaki had love/hate feelings towards. "I love you too," he whispered out after a few sniffle filled moments. immediately, he felt the weight lifted off his shoulders of finally saying those words to the young author.

"I know," was Akihiko's only verbal response, but he was smiling with such relief he was trying to hide his face into Misaki's neck so even the wall wouldn't be able to see it. He hoped Misaki would continue to say it after this, because it always felt better to hear the words than to just see the emotion through his actions.


	7. Such an Unfair World

**Junjou Egoist**

**Warning: Major character death!**

From a young age, Hiroki was taught that the world was an extremely unfair place, and that he would have to get used to disappointment. Hiroki took this lessons to heart, and never allowed much of anything to cause him disappointment anymore. Hiroki was used to it by now. But, what they hadn't told him was that sometimes the world didn't give you room for just dismay, because it wants to watch you fall apart just a bit.

So, when Nowaki was complaining to Hiroki for the past couple of weeks about a constant migraine, Hiroki blew it off as nothing. He predicted it was just from Nowaki's ridiculous hours he worked at the hospital. He gave his lover some over-the-counter headache medicine and demanded that he cut back his hours at the hospital. Nowaki, of course, had agreed with Hiroki's wishes. But, after a week of Nowaki taking the medicine and staying at home most of the time, his condition only worsened.

Throughout that time period, Nowaki started to act strange, both mentally and physically. He had been growing weaker with each passing day, which was evident in his daily activities he had been trying to accomplish. Just last Tuesday, they had planned to rearrange the living room, but when trying to move the couch, Nowaki's arm muscles seemed to have shut down on Nowaki and he just couldn't do it. Normally, he would have been able to move the couch entirely by himself without barely breaking a sweat.

He had also been growing clumsy throughout the past week. Typically, Nowaki was never one to stumble his own two feet or lose his balance at random times, but he had stumbled fifteen times and lost his balance ten in just the last couple of days. Hiroki, once again, blamed it all on fatigue.

Nowaki had also started to lose his memory. Not exactly like an elderly person would by forgetting things from his past, but about simple things he had been told, even after a matter of minutes. Being a doctor, Nowaki would normally have a wonderful memory, even over the most complicated things.

But, when Nowaki started to become spacey and continued to complain about having no feeling in his right arm, Hiroki finally made a doctor's appointment for the following morning. Nowaki agreed to going, finally beginning to grow concerned for his current health condition. They had both gone to bed early, wanted to get up early enough so they would be ready for the doctor's appointment.

Around four A.M., Hiroki was jostled awake from the bed shaking underneath him. For a split second, he fretted over this part of Japan being hit by a random small earthquake unexpectedly, but when he heard strangled sounds coming from Nowaki beside him, he knew it wasn't that.

He turned his head hurriedly, only to be met with the sight of his lover convulsing on the bed like a fish out of water with his eyes wide open, glimmering in a panicked shine. Hiroki sprung up, immediately knowing that Nowaki was experiencing a seizure. He attempted to pin his arms down, forgetting in his blind panic that you were not to do so in case of injury for the seizure victim.

After two minutes of Hiroki straddling Nowaki's hips and pinning his arms down, the seizure still had not stopped raking through Nowaki's body. Hiroki released a dry sob, screwing his eyes shut as if when he opened them again, everything would be okay again. What was wrong with Nowaki?

He reached over to his nightstand with a shaking hand and quickly punched in the emergency hotline number, pressing the phone to his ear tightly. His body continued to tremble with Nowaki's as his heart pounded against his ribcage.

"119, what's your emergency?" A calm female voice said from the other line. For a moment, Hiroki pondered over how she could sound so calm when she knew someone was most likely hyperventilating from fear just a phone call away.

"M-my boyfriend has been having a seizure for the past three minutes and it still won't stop. I need to get him to a fucking hospital, but we don't have a car." He took in a heaving breath. "Why don't we have a car?" He asked in a whimper, mostly to himself.

"Sir, please remain calm and give me your address so I can make sure an ambulance can get to you as soon as possible," she said, and he could have sworn he heard her pop gum. He rattled off his address with a breath before he slammed the phone down, enraged by her nonchalant tone when he was worried sick about his lover.

He could feel his stomach churning, threatening the possibility of him becoming sick in just a few moments, but he swallowed the bile down. He needed to remain strong for Nowaki, who needed him now more than ever. In the distance, he could hear the sirens of an ambulance nearing the apartments. Hiroki had never been more relieved to hear that sound.

**XXX**

Three hours later, Hiroki was sitting anxiously in the waiting room of the same hospital that Nowaki worked at, waiting for results from the doctor taking care of Nowaki. He sighed, setting the terrible cup of coffee on the ground next to his bouncing leg. The coffee had only made his nerves more shot.

"Kamijou?" A nurse suddenly called from the main desk, looking towards the row of chairs he was sitting towards. "A doctor is here to speak to you."

Hiroki stood up abruptly, nearly knocking down the styrofoam cup in the process. He walked towards the doctor as calmly as he could, but he couldn't help the slight stride in his step that occurred to get to him faster.

"Dr. Hakagi?" He asked, knowing that was the man that was supposed to be caring and testing Nowaki at the moment. The man nodded, a reassuring smile never flitting over his worn looking face.

"I have some news on your lover, Kusama Nowaki," he said and held up a clipboard, flipped to a page that Hiroki figured was Nowaki's paperwork. Hiroki nodded, expecting some sort of sugar coating before he was hit with some sort of news with Nowaki having an illness, but he was never given that.

"He is suffering with an incurable brain tumor and he has maybe more than a month left to live. I'm… very sorry," Dr. Hakagi said and left no room for Hiroki to ask questions or get over his shock before saying he was allowing Nowaki to go home tonight since there was nothing they could do. With that, he briskly walked off with a quick statement of demanding Hiroki to wait for the nurse that would have Nowaki.

Hiroki stood there, in front of the nurse desk, his eyes wide and stinging. Nowaki had a brain tumor. Nowaki had a little more than a month left. Nowaki was going to die. With that final thought, Hiroki covered his mouth with his hand and hunched over, ugly sobs tearing free from deep in his throat. He could feel tears slipping down his cheeks, and he was aware that he was breaking down in the middle of a busy hospital, but he didn't care. Nowaki was dying, and there was nothing he could do to change that fact.

After five minutes of relentless sobbing and crying, Hiroki managed to make his way back to the uncomfortable plastic chair and pull out his cell phone from his back pocket. He hit number two speed-dial and held the phone up to his ear loosely.

"Hello?" A groggy voice came from the opposite line, and just after hearing Akihiko's voice, Hiroki felt a sob clog up his throat again. "Hiroki? It's seven in the morning. You know I don't wake up at this time, what do you need?" Akihiko was irritated, that much Hiroki was sure about. But, he was also sure that Nowaki was dying, and he was more affected by that at the moment.

"I need you to pick Nowaki and I up from the hospital," Hiroki muttered out, bending over to rest his elbows on his knees.

"The hospital? Doesn't your lover work there?" Akihiko asked with obvious confusion.

"Yeah, as a pediatrician. But, there's something else going on right now and I really need you to pick us up. I'll… I'll explain everything on the way home. Just… please."

He could hear Akihiko's breathing on the other line, and he knew he was probably shocked by Hiroki's desperate pleading with him. "Yeah," he finally said, and Hiroki could hear the rustle of sheets. "I'll be over once I change. Just wait for me outside and I'll pick you up in front of the main entrance."

Hiroki muttered out an 'okay' before hanging up the phone without another word. Just as he was shoving the phone back into his pocket with a jerky movement, he heard the elevator ding and Nowaki was rolled out of it in a wheelchair with a young nurse pushing behind him.

Hiroki stood up, trying to compose himself and not burst into tears at the sight of his ill lover. He walked over to meet the nurse halfway with Nowaki, who had looked up at him with a sad smile. Hiroki knew then that they had told his lover he only had so long to live, and he wasn't sure if he was ready for the conversation about a funeral and everything else that was bound to come.

"I'm so sorry, Hiroki," the nurse suddenly said with a sniffle and wiped her eyes. "Nowaki is one of my best friends here, so I know some of what you're going through." Hiroki looked up at her and nodded slightly, afraid to open his mouth because he knew that all that would come out would be a broken sob.

"It's okay, Seiko-chan," Nowaki said, his voice hoarse. From crying or the seizure, Hiroki isn't sure, but it could be both. "We're going to get through this, even if it seems hopeless now." Seiko smiled lightly at the words, but Hiroki knew that Nowaki was just pretending to act strong right now. As soon as they were dropped off at home, they would both probably fall apart immediately and just grieve for a few days.

"Nowaki, we have to meet Akihiko up front, he's going to be picking us up," Hiroki said after a few moments of stiff silence. Nowaki nodded at him and stood up shakily from the wheelchair. He took a few wobbly steps towards Hiroki before wrapping his arm around his shoulders.

"Sorry, Hiro-san," Nowaki murmured, and Hiroki wasn't sure if he was apologizing for not being able to walk properly or for everything that was happening to them at the moment. "Because of the seizure, I'm still kind of… shaky I guess. And tired. Just… really really tired."

"I know," Hiroki said as he began to lead him from the hospital. "You can sleep all you want once you get home." He felt Nowaki nod against his shoulder and he breathed out softly in relief when he saw Akihiko's red sports car pull up as soon as they stepped out of the hospital.

When they got in the car and they were driving back, Hiroki in the front of Nowaki in the back sleeping, Akihiko finally allowed himself to ask his best friend what was happening. "Nowaki has a brain tumor. Apparently it's been there for quite awhile because they said there is nothing that they can do."

Akihiko looked at Hiroki through furrowed eyebrows and concerned eyes. "So… does that mean what I think you're implying?"

"You mean that Nowaki is going to die? Yes. In less than a month," Hiroki whispered, his voice choking in between words. "I… it's not really even the month that I'm worried about with Nowaki's condition worsening. It's the fact that I'm going to wake up one morning and… he's just going to be cold."

Akihiko frowned and pulled the car over to the side of the road before reaching over for Hiroki and tugging him close so he could hug him loosely. "I'm sorry you have to go through this, Hiroki," was all Akihiko said, and Hiroki didn't need to hear anymore before sobbing into the other man's shirt.

"Me too."

**XXX**

Kamijou Hiroki never expected to hear the question, "who are you?" come from his lovers mouth. But, two weeks after the hospital visit where they were told Nowaki was currently dying from a brain tumor doctors had no control over, Nowaki had asked him that question for the very first time. It had wounded Hiroki more than when he was told Nowaki had the brain tumor in the first place, possibly, and after the tall man had regained memory of him after many terrifying minutes, Hiroki locked himself in the bedroom to cry silently to himself.

He knew Nowaki was only losing precious memories and recognition of people, even his own lover, because of the brain tumor but that fact didn't make it hurt any less each time Nowaki asked him that dreaded question. The question continued on making an appearance about every other day until Hiroki was unfortunately unfazed by it ever being asked. He merely fell under the routine of introducing himself to Nowaki with his heart bleeding within his chest.

"I apologize," Nowaki said from the couch, sounding guilty even though he had done absolutely nothing wrong. He couldn't help that his brain was being ebbed away bit by bit from a life ruining tumor. "I just can't seem to jog any memory of your, though I know you're very important to me, I can feel it. Could you tell me something that happened positively in our lives that might help me remember?"

"You proposed to me late last March. Even though we can't actually get married since it's illegal in Japan, you got us matching wedding rings anyway and was planning on taking us to America to make it official, since gay marriage is legalized in some places there," Hiroki rattled off, as if he memorized the statement from a notecard, and poured pancake batter into a pan.

Nowaki stayed silent for a few more moments before slowly shaking his head with a disappointed sigh. "It still doesn't arouse any kind of memory. I'm sorry, Hiro-san," Nowaki said with his tone still laced with guilt that should never be there in the first place.

"It's okay," Hiroki said as reassuringly as he could manage, knowing Nowaki would remember him in the next few minutes as always and ask for his headache medicine as if this situation had never happened. Hiroki wondered if Nowaki remembered he had blank moments such as this. "You can't help it. You're sick."

"I wish I wasn't sick then," Nowaki hummed in a tone that suggested he was mostly talking to himself. Though, his voice sounded a lot like that anymore and Hiroki suspected it was just part of the brain tumor. "That way I could remember you all the time. It hurts me to know I can't be there for you one-hundred percent."

"Me too," Hiroki choked out as he flipped the pancake. He wasn't sure which statement he was answering to, most likely both, but Nowaki fell completely silent for the next few minutes before asking kindly for his medication as usual. Then, when Hiroki brought it to him along with his breakfast, Nowaki would break into a smile and kiss him lightly, and that was when Hiroki knew Nowaki remembered him once again.

As the month dragged on agonizingly fast, but painfully slow at the same time, Nowaki continued to grow sicker and sicker. This wasn't unexpected by either party since they knew that Nowaki was bound to die by the end of the month.

It first started when Nowaki's medication tended to not work most of the time unless he took an extra dose. His constant headaches pounded against his skull each and every day until he couldn't take it anymore and he would swallow a few sleeping pills in order to fall asleep just in order to avoid the pain.

He had also been growing nauseas and began to vomit if he ate anything too heavy, if he was hungry enough to eat at all in the first place. This was quickly followed by blurred vision even when Nowaki had perfect vision his entire life. With the blurred vision, Nowaki's balance was affected as well, and on a normal occasion, Hiroki would have thought of it as amusing each time Nowaki stumbled over his own oversized feet, but it wasn't a normal occasion. His behavior had also changed into one of nearly constant depression to the point all he did was stay in bed all day watching terrible television until he fell asleep.

A second seizure had also occurred about a week before the end of the month, and once it had hit, Hiroki sat on the bed next to a convulsing Nowaki with his phone clutched between his two shaking his hands. There was nothing he could do while this event happened except sit and hope it didn't last any longer than two minutes, which thankfully, this one hadn't.

After calling into work one morning informing his boss that he was not going to be able to come in for a while due to Nowaki's current condition and future one placed six-feet-under, the Dean had simply told Hiroki to take time with his grief and would give him eight months off with his income still being sent in each month. Hiroki had nearly wept from his boss' generosity.

He had started to spend his time with Nowaki in the bedroom watching the daytime television just because he wanted to be near him for as long as possible until the inevitable came. Nowaki never once complained about it even with the depressed mood he seemed to always be in, but only cuddled close to Hiroki and dozed throughout the day.

As Nowaki was slowly losing his energy to do much of anything at all anymore, even watch TV for a long period of time, Hiroki thought back to the time he and Nowaki were strolling together through the park towards their usual family restaurant to eat and his lover had spotted a wishing well towards the middle of the park.

He had lead Hiroki towards it, despite his boyfriends protests, and suggested, more like demanded, to throw a quarter in the wishing well. Hiroki begrudgingly had accepted back then and tossed in a quarter after thinking of a cliche wish of that he and Nowaki would be together as long as fate decided possible. He guessed this was where that quarter in the shimmering water decided to lose it's value.

Tuesday had started out like every other morning. With the alarm blaring loudly in Hiroki's ear, he once again cursed himself for leaving it on even after he wasn't being forced to wake up early to work. He leaned over blindly, slammed against the snooze button and rolled back over to get comfortable again. That was when his warm hand brushed against freezing skin. His eyes snapped open, a breath getting caught in his throat. "No," he whispered aloud to himself. "Please. No, no, no."

He laid frozen for a few moments, dreading the moment he would eventually have to turn his head to look over his shoulder and face the truth lying beside him. The cold, unmoving truth. He knew this was going to happen, but now that it really was, he felt as if he was never prepared for this in the least. He guessed that this was how it was supposed to be when you could feel the love of your life lying dead beside you, and he wouldn't wish this kind of feeling on his worst enemy.

He could feel tears slipping down his cheeks already and his heart was constricting so tightly in his chest he felt as if he could be having a heart attack. He knew that wasn't what that was though, it was just the overwhelming heartbreak he was feeling. He slowly turned his head and saw Nowaki lying there beside him, as expected, and appeared as if he was sleeping, but there was something horrifyingly off.

Nowaki's face was pale, almost sheet white, and his lips were tinted in a darkish blue standing out against the paleness of everything else. His body was completely still, not even the comforting rhythmic moving his chest was there to confirm to Hiroki anymore that he was still alive. He was gone.

"Nowaki?" Hiroki whimpered, his voice breathy as he sat up onto his knees. He felt them press gently against Nowaki's cold side and he shivered when he could feel his ribs but no movement signalling his lover's breathing. Just a suffocating stillness that wanted to swallow Hiroki whole.

He reached out with trembling fingers, tracing against Nowaki's strong jaw, before shoving his shoulder lightly. He continued this until he was hunched over crying out his lover's name repeatedly like a chant, his desperate movements becoming choppy and weak. "Nowaki," he called out, his voice shrill. "Answer me! Nowaki, please!" His head dipped down further until his forehead was pressed against Nowaki's chest and tears were slipping from his chin and onto the soft cotton shirt.

He knew this was it, but he was still fighting the denial that was saying that all of this was a horrible dream that he was about to wake up from and everything would be normal again. Nowaki would be smiling above him, whispering his name to wake him up, alive and healthy. Realistically he knew this was never going to happen and Nowaki was no longer a soul on this earth.

His shoulders shook as each violent sob racked through his body, screams of grief struggling to fight their way up his throat, but he held them back in fear of alerting the neighbors before his breakdown was over. The attempts were futile though, because after a couple of minutes the fight was won when a scream tore past his lips and many were followed quickly afterwards. "Nowaki," he wailed. "Why?"

Why did this have to happen? Why did you have to leave again with no chance of returning home this time?


	8. Insecurity

**Junjou Egoist**

Nowaki sometimes wondered if Hiroki had started dating him out of pity or as a replacement for Akihiko. He also wondered if he was continuing his role as a replacement for the young BL author. The thoughts never came up frequently, but they still occurred, and it bothered Nowaki that they did. He was worried that he had those thoughts because they were actually true, and his gut was telling him to leave before he got too hurt.

If that was the case, Nowaki never listened to his gut and remained at Hiroki's side. A dog. That was a perfect example of how loyal Nowaki was to Hiroki. A dog stays by its master's side until death and remains forever loyal, even if their master hurts them. It is quite sad how Nowaki's love for Hiroki could be compared to a dogs loyalty towards its master.

Nowaki never really understood why Hiroki continued to use him as a replacement for Akihiko. Nowaki had an entire different personality than the silver-haired man for one. Not to mention, Nowaki couldn't write a piece of successful writing to save his life while Akihiko was a novelist. (Hiroki still bought three copies of every one of Akihiko's books.)

He might only keep Nowaki around because he pampers Hiroki so much and has the same hands as Akihiko. It wouldn't surprise him because Nowaki was sure that Hiroki liked the way Nowaki spoiled him so much and knew that no other man would do that for him. He may also only keep him around for sex- Hiroki seems to want to do that more than anything else.

Those were the kinds of thoughts Nowaki always had when insecurity began to eat away at his insides. He resented it, but there wasn't much he could do. Not as long as Hiroki continued to cause him to have these awful thoughts.

Nowaki sighed as he set his empty mug back on the table and he leaned further against the back of the chair. He rubbed his temple and knew today was going to be one of those insecure days. The morning had started out bad when Hiroki and he had gotten into an argument over not spending enough time with each other and Hiroki had snapped and told Nowaki that he saw enough of him as it was. Nowaki had laughed short and sarcastically before telling him "thank you for that wonderful piece of information,  _Kamijou_ ," before storming back into the bedroom.

Looking back at the argument, Nowaki can recall the expression of shock that had etched onto the brunette's face when Nowaki had called him Kamijou. Of course, calling him Kamijou was only something Nowaki said when he was furious and Hiroki was probably worried that he wasn't going to be getting his usual pampering for a few days.

Nowaki stood and went to rinse his blue mug out at the sink and took a glance at the clock. Hiroki would be home any minute since all he had today at the university was grade a few papers. Although, knowing him, Hiroki may ask Miyagi for extra work to avoid coming back home.

Nowaki sighed again and plopped down ungracefully onto the couch just as the front door opened and Hiroki's voice rang out through the apartment. "Nowaki, I'm home."

The raven haired man didn't respond and waited for Hiroki to shuffle into the living room. When he saw Hiroki appear in front of him, he looked up and met his older lover's eyes, his face blank. "Welcome home," he said, his voice remaining flat.

He saw Hiroki's eyes narrow, and Nowaki prepared himself for his rant over Nowaki being a brat and to stop pouting over their stupid argument this morning. But, before Hiroki could say a word, Nowaki stood up and moved back into the kitchen. "I know I'm being a brat, Hiro-san," he mumbled as he passed him. "You don't need to say it."

He could hear Hiroki's sound of confusion, but he ignored it and pulled out left-overs from last night out of the refrigerator. "I wasn't even going to say that," Hiroki snapped and went to stand near Nowaki in the kitchen.

"Then you were going to say something about me sulking over our argument," Nowaki responded and looked at Hiroki. "Am I right?"

"No! I was going to ask if we could talk about what I said before I left." Hiroki snapped and pinched his fine eyebrows together. "Why do you think I just want to criticize you?"

"Because that's all you normally do, Hiro-san," Nowaki said with a fake smile gracing his lips. "I've grown used to it, so I just suspected that was what you were going to say."

Hiroki fell silent and he was staring at Nowaki with his lips slightly parted. "Why the hell do you think I just criticize you?"

"Because you want me to be more like Usami-san so I can be a better replacement," Nowaki said without thinking and looked at Hiroki with dead eyes. He watched closely as Hiroki's face transfered from multiple expressions. Shock, confusion, anger, before finally settling on hurt, which Nowaki hated to see, knowing Hiroki was just feeling guilty for Nowaki finding out his true intentions. "I'm not that stupid, Hiro-san. I know I'm just a replacement, I'm not going to leave. If I was going to, I would have a long time ago, believe me."

"Just you wait a second," Hiroki snapped out suddenly and took an advancing step forward, his eyebrows still furrowed together. "Where did you  _ever_ get the idea that I'm using you as a replacement for Akihiko?" He asked, the hurt he was feeling clearly seeping into his tone. He couldn't believe he treated Nowaki so coldly to the point he thought he was a replacement for a man he didn't feel anything for besides platonic friendship.

"You, Hiro-san," Nowaki replied, his tone still light and pleasant. "It's really all quite obvious. You accepted my love for you so easily after you realized I have similar hands to Usami-san. You like my pampering and apparently I'm good in bed because the only way I can get you close to me is if we're having sex." His voice broke for a moment. "And even then, you won't face me or tell me that you love me too. You insult me then too…"

Hiroki's hands shook at his sides and he took another small step towards Nowaki, his eyes stinging horribly. "Nowaki… please listen to me," he pleaded softly. "You have the entirely wrong idea about everything. I don't love Akihiko anymore, I'm not even really sure if what I felt for him in the past could be considered love for him. After I met you I've never felt the same with anyone else."

"Don't force yourself, Hiro-san, please," Nowaki begged and curled his hands into fists, unable to take Hiroki's comforting tone. It sounded sincere, believable, and Nowaki wanted to believe every word that was rolling off of his tongue, but he didn't want to give himself false hope just so he could get his hopes crushed again and his heart to break. "I'm still not going to leave you. I'm kind of like a dog, wouldn't you say, Hiro-san?"

"Nowaki!" Hiroki gasped, unable to comprehend the words that were flowing so freely from his lover's lips. Had he always felt this way? For seven years, had Nowaki only felt as if he was nothing to him except a… a fake Akihiko? "Listen to yourself! You're sounding ridiculous! I have no idea where you get the idea that I don't love you for you, but you need to hear me clearly when I say that I do."

"Why?" Nowaki suddenly shouted and slammed his hand against the counter, causing Hiroki to flinch from the force of it. Of course he knew Nowaki would never ever lay an abusive hand on him, no matter how angry he got, but Nowaki was so tall and so much stronger than he looked. He could overpower Hiroki in just two seconds flat. "What do you love about  _me_ Hiro-san? A guy who's parents didn't even fucking want him!"

'So that's it,' Hiroki thought to himself, finally managing to grasp where the root of Nowaki's anger and insecurity was coming from. It was from his parents who left him on a doorstep of a rundown orphanage during a typhoon. Those same stupid, unknown parents who Hiroki still couldn't help but resent because they left his beautiful,  _perfect_ Nowaki alone when he was just a helpless infant. 'We really need to get Nowaki into some type of therapy when this thing blows over.'

"I love you because you're you," Hiroki started off lamely and took another step to Nowaki who was huddled close to the counter. "You and you're cliche lines, you're height that always makes me feel a bit vulnerable, you're eyes that I can get lost in so easily I hate it, and you're smile that you always seem to have." Nowaki's head slowly rose, connecting his eyes with Hiroki's. 'There we go,' Hiroki said silently. 'He'll be back to himself again in no time.'

"I love your love for children and how you always care for them, to the point where I feel guilty that I can't give you your own, because if I had been born a woman we would have about ten of them running around here by now." He couldn't help but notice Nowaki's little smile that spread over his lips, that actually reached his eyes this time. "I adore your dedication to your jobs, even including the florist one. I love how independent you are and how smart you are even if I call you an idiot all of the time."

He finally reached Nowaki and was able to reach up and cup his handsome face in his hands, making sure his attention was all on him while he finished his mini speech. "I love how happy you get when I do the littlest, simplest things that still make me panic, even though I know that you'll love whatever I get you or do for you. You might not be my first kiss, or my first sexual partner, or my first love, but you will always be first on my mind. And you will be the last of all of those things until the day I die. You might not be perfect, but you are the closest human being to ever get close to the word."

He took a deep breath, feeling a heavy blush settling over his pale cheeks. "I love you so much, Nowaki, and I'm so sorry that I made you feel any differently." He made a choked sound in the back of his throat when Nowaki suddenly surged down and pressed their lips together tightly, holding Hiroki's body tightly in his strong arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read please! So, basically what this is, is Nowaki's past issues with insecurity and self-hatred coming in to haunt him. Except, instead of taking them out on his nameless parents, he takes it out on Hiroki and his past love for Akihiko. I know it never mentions anything of Nowaki having slight mental issues from being abandoned by his parents in the anime nor manga, but I feel like it should still affect him a bit.
> 
> I mean, he never knew either of his parents of anybody in his family. Hell, he and Hiroki could be somehow related, but I'm not even going to get into that because that is highly unlikely. But, that I would imagine would take a huge toll on Nowaki at some point, which is why Hiroki is going to try and get Nowaki into some type of therapy.


	9. Scars

**Junjou Egoist**

**Warning: Possible triggers!**

Hiroki sighed in soft pleasure as Nowaki ran his large hand across his chest, brushing his index and middle finger against one of his nipples teasingly. He licked his lips, brown eyes fluttering closed as he arched his chest up minimally so he could silently show Nowaki what he wanted him to do at the moment. He could hear Nowaki chuckle quietly, and Hiroki swallowed down the embarrassed words that were scratching against his tongue.

"Someone is quite eager this morning," Nowaki breathed in his ear, thumb brushing against one of his sensitive nipples drawing a hum from the older man. Hiroki opened his eyes, connecting them with Nowaki's own larger blue ones and scowled as angrily as he could at the moment.

"No I'm not," he argued to save his pride. "It's all in your head, you stupid brat." Despite his words, his body was still lying pliant against the mattress below him where Nowaki had him pinned, and he could feel his sleeping pants growing tighter with each of Nowaki's pleasurable ministrations.

"So, you won't mind if I go make breakfast now? I am really kind of hungry," Nowaki murmured, beginning to pull his body off of Hiroki's frailer one to make his way out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. Forgetting his pride for a moment, Hiroki's hand shot out to snatch Nowaki's wrist in a desperate attempt to make him stay and finish what he started, but his protests died in his throat when his fingers brushed against something rough on Nowaki's wrist.

His eyebrows furrowed, ignoring whatever Nowaki had said to tease him as he pulled his lover closer as he sat up himself. Nowaki could sense the sudden change in mood and his confusion only grew when Hiroki pulled his left arm close to his face, examining his wrist and forearm closely. "Hiro-san? What's wrong?"

"What are  _these_?" Hiroki asked, horrified by his discovery. Light scars were lined up along Nowaki's lower wrist to the middle of his inner forearm and they looked strangely like self-inflicted cuts that he has seen from images on the internet that teenagers post for attention, -even though they say they don't want attention-.

Nowaki made a small sound of realization and he gently pried his arm out of Hiroki's gentle hold, the feeling of guilt and shame placing itself heavily on his shoulders and chest. "Um, they're scars, Hiro-san," he said stupidly, as if Hiroki didn't know that already. It was the reason he grew concerned in the first place.

"No shit?" Hiroki asked sarcastically, anger beginning to lie itself as an undertone in his sharp words. "I'm talking about how they got there, idiot. Were you in some sort of accident?" He asked, his tone gradually dying down to a kinder and more concerned one.

"No, not really," Nowaki said slowly as he sighed and sat up straighter, trying to get himself into a comfortable position. "When I was about thirteen I found a razor blade in the bathroom that I shared with six other boys' from the orphanage. I had recently learned from the head of the orphanage that I was just left on the doorstep during a typhoon and I started to get really insecure and angry with myself for not even being good enough for my parents… so I cut myself. It became an obsession for about a year until I realized it was stupid and it wasn't helping anything."

Hiroki blinked slowly, his mouth slowly falling open throughout Nowaki's story. He eyed the scars closely once again until Nowaki covered them with his right large hand self consciously. How hadn't he noticed those before? He has been with Nowaki for seven years after all, so he should have noticed them a long time ago. "I… I'm sorry," he apologized dumbly. "I shouldn't have asked."

"It's quite alright, Hiro-san," Nowaki said with a shake of his head and leaned forward to place a gentle kiss to Hiroki's head. "It's okay to be curious, especially when you saw them on me of all people." Hiroki couldn't help the small laugh that escaped his mouth, knowing that Nowaki was reading his mind. It was strange how someone as nice, kind, and almost perfect as Nowaki would have cut himself in the past.

**-Page Break-**

Nowaki stumbled his way upstairs to his shared bathroom, ignoring the laughs of the other children below and the orphanage helpers' scoldings. Damn Daiki and his sick, twisted pranks. He had a right to punch him in the face and nearly break his nose. What right did he have to shove a nasty porn magazine in his bed where others could find it and believe it was his? Those magazines were absolutely filthy and he never had the desire to look at one. Where did Daiki find it anyways?

He finally reached the bathroom and he glowered at the younger boy that was busy in there washing his face after just waking up from a nap. The orphanage didn't have the money to waste on more face soap for the lazy kids that were too busy sleeping to help out with chores. Nowaki wasn't sure how many days it had been since he washed his face just to make sure the orphanage could save at least a bit more money on the stuff. "Out," he growled.

"Ah, but, Nowaki, I still haven't washed the-" Sora tried to explain with a slight fearful chill running through his body at the sight of the furious, tall boy in front of him. He had heard about the kinds of fights that he had gotten into at school until they had no choice but to expel him.

"Out!" Nowaki shouted and took a threatening step forward. Sora made a choked panicked sound in the back of his throat, snagged up a paper towel before scurrying out of the bathroom and out of Nowaki's way. Nowaki followed the frightened boy with his eyes as he hurried down the stairs while frantically wiping his damp face off with a rough paper towel before he stepped into the bathroom and slammed the door shut, twisting the lock afterwards.

Nowaki paced around the bathroom angrily, his hands shoved deep in his hand-me-down jeans that were at least two sizes too small since they hugged too tightly around his hips and stopped above the ankles. Stupid him and his stupid too tall height that stupid parent that gave him it then just threw him down at an orphanage without a care in the fucking world. Fuck them.

He huffed through his nose, reaching up to find the razor blade that he had been using for the past few months to mar up his skin. It didn't matter what he did to himself, anyway. Nobody cared, and the people who did care were torn away from him by a loving family. He slammed the bathroom cabinet shut once he found it hidden in the very back.

He turned on the sink faucet and held his arm over the sink, rolling up his left sleeve so he could cut his wrist properly. The scars were starting to reach the beginning of his forearm and he smirked to himself slightly, wondering how far he could reach before someone started to notice. Or, he ended up bleeding out over the dirty bathroom floor.

He brought the cold razor to his skin, letting it kiss his pale skin lightly before he allowed it to sink its teeth in just enough to let red blood ooze out of the fresh cut. He watched it for a moment, feeling a momentary rush of relief from the pain, but it returned soon after. He repeated the action once more, this one finally reaching his forearm. Deciding that was enough for now, he washed off the razor before hiding it again, letting his wrist bleed for a few more minutes before washing it thoroughly as well so it didn't get infected.

Nowaki stayed in the bathroom for a few more moments before opening the door and pausing when he saw Shiori, one of the orphanage helpers, standing there and tapping her foot impatiently on the wood flooring. Oh. Yippee. More griping from The Bitch to come. He couldn't wait to reach the age of seventeen so he could finally just leave this hell hole.

"Nowaki, that was incredibly wrong to do. Both things. You owe Daiki a proper apology for punching him and I'm taking up that disgusting porn magazine from you. Do you not have any respect towards women at all? Has the Kusama Orphanage taught you nothing on manners?"

Nowaki snorted and he leaned against the bathroom doorframe, hastily tugging down his shirt sleeve before she could notice his arm and ask questions. Well… not like she'd really ask them anyway. She didn't get paid to care about what he did to his own body. "I do not owe that perverted pig any kind of apology. He's the one who put that magazine in my bed."

"Now you're just making things up!" Shiori snapped and narrowed her russet eyes on him. "Daiki is a very sweet boy and would never do something to get you into trouble. After all," she began with a smirk. "You seem to get yourself into enough trouble as it is, don't you think. Now, lead me into your room and give me that magazine and any others you might be hiding."

Nowaki rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the sting of her words. "Look, that magazine isn't mine. First of all, I don't get off from looking at disgusting slutty women that love getting their naked bodies posted in public magazines just so they can feel wanted. And second, I don't get off on women period. I'm kind of a dick kind of guy if you catch my drift."

Shiori blushed fifty shades of red from Nowaki's comment about being a "dick kind of guy" and he felt kind of amused by her reaction. Was it really that weird to like penis? Apparently so, judging from her reaction, but she should understand the feeling because he had seen her with her own boyfriend before. So, obviously, she likes a bit of dick from then on and again too. Not that Nowaki had really ever slept with anyone before.

"T-that doesn't matter!" she sputtered and began to shove him towards the room that he shared with three other guys. "Just get that nasty thing and give it to me straight away, and any other magazines that you are harboring!"

"Oh, you're not going to drag me out of this room in fear that I'm going to try and make a move on any of the guys in here?" He asked with an innocent tone, snatching up the magazine from on his bed. "I mean, I  _could_ end up rubbing my homo germs on them."

"Don't be ridiculous," she growled and took the magazine from his larger hand. "We don't have enough rooms for that kind of thing, and I know that you're making up being g-gay just so you don't get in trouble for having this." She emphasised her sentence by waving the magazine around for a moment. "But, you are! No dinner tonight, and you can stay in here too!"

Nowaki scowled, resisting the urge to bare his teeth at her like an animal as she stomped her way out of the room. He grabbed the door handle and shouted after her, "Right, such a good punishment like I'm not used to you starving me every night! I'll just fill myself up on your boyfriend's cum!" He heard her sputtered outrage as he slammed the door and stalked over to his bed.

**Um… totally out of character Nowaki right? I know. Supposed to be obviously. And I actually am totally enjoying writing him! He is so fun because the real Nowaki would never ever say these kinds of things.**


	10. Misaki's Type of Kisses

**Junjou Romantica**

_#1 - Kiss and Run_

Akihiko knew better than to try anything remotely affectionate with Misaki when his lover was actually, for once, trying to get a good grade on a Literature assignment. He probably only did this occasionally so Professor Kamijou wouldn't throw light weight objects in front of him, especially now since Hiroki wasn't accepting Akihiko's bribing for him to stop throwing things at his fidgety boyfriend.

So, as Akihiko made his way downstairs one afternoon after finally getting his manuscript done so Aikawa wouldn't bust down the door  _again_ , he was somewhat disappointed when he saw Misaki sitting at the dinner table, typing furiously on the laptop Akihiko had bought him a couple months back. He hadn't had a proper "refill" of Misaki for at least three days, and it was slowly driving him insane.

He sighed quietly, knowing he would just have to toughen it out until Misaki was finished with his assignment, and made his way into the kitchen to get a fresh cup of coffee. Though it was the middle of the afternoon, he had pulled another all-nighter last night, and he would need another cup to keep him running until the sun goes down.

He had poured out the cold coffee in the sink, quickly rinsing it out before setting the mug down beside the coffee maker and began to pour himself another cup. He heard the chair quietly skidding across the hardwood floor in the dining room, but he ignored it, figuring that Misaki was just getting up for some water or a snack.

Misaki did walk over to the cupboard to snag out a box of pocky, one of his favorite snacks at the moment, before he made his way over to Akihiko slowly and thoughtfully. The silver haired man glanced up, preparing to ask Misaki what he needed, but Misaki cut him off before he was even able to say anything with a chaste kiss. Akihiko's eyes widened, but when he was about to relax and kiss back, Misaki pulled away hastily before running towards his laptop and engrossing himself in the paper he was writing once more.

Akihiko blinked slowly, not noticing that the coffee he was pouring was beginning to overflow out of the mug. Was Misaki  _trying_ to get him to jump him before he was finished with his paper? It sure seemed like it, so Akihiko set the coffee pot down without caring about the mess he had made and walked leisurely over to Misaki who was still furiously typing on the computer.

"I understand," Akihiko said curtly before picking up Misaki without a struggle and tossing him over his shoulder, carrying him up to the bedroom. Misaki sputtered out in embarrassment and fake anger, trying to wriggle his way out of the young novelists grasp.

"Ah! Usagi-san! That wasn't my intention at all! Let me go you pervert!"

**_#2 - Gentle Kiss_ **

Akihiko sighed quietly as he lowered himself onto the couch with a stack of note cards in his hand, his eyebrow twitching with irritation. When Hiroki asked him to be his best man for his and Nowaki's wedding that would be taking place in about two months, he didn't know he would have to read through the multiple vows Hiroki had jotted down.

Why was Akihiko supposed to choose which ones he liked best anyways? Shouldn't Hiroki have written whatever he wanted to promise and confess to his lover without anyone else's approval? Wasn't that really the whole point of wedding vows? To confess things to your significant lover that you hadn't been able to before.

He shuffled through the notecards, and realized with much horror, that this was Hiroki's entire first draft of vows. It wasn't the first few drafts that he wrote in a frenzied panic, it was the very first that he had clearly spent a lot of time on. How many things had he refused to tell Nowaki in their day-to-day lives?

"Usagi-san?" Misaki asked from the kitchen, drying off his damp hands with a towel since he had just finished washing the dishes they had eaten dinner on. "What are you so angry about?"

Akihiko blinked and looked up at his younger, whom was looking over at him with concern. "I'm not really angry, I just know that this is going to make me emotionally drained. Hiroki is wanting me to read his vows for him and give him my okay for them since I'm an author and I'm better with words than he is."

"Oh. But, he's a literature professor. Shouldn't he be good with words regardless?" Misaki questioned, untying his green apron before shuffling over to Akihiko and sitting next to him, reading the first notecard over his shoulder.

"With work, he is. But, when it comes to conveying his emotions, he is total crap. Though, from what I've read so far, he's doing a pretty good job for his first draft," Akihiko replied casually as he leaned over towards the coffee table so he could pick up his lighter and light up the cigarette that was dangling between his lips.

"That's only his first draft?!" Misaki exclaimed in surprise, curling closer to get a better look at the small stack of index cards. "Does he not like to tell Nowaki-san how he's feeling or something? I wouldn't want to stay with someone who seems as if they don't care for me at all!"

Akihiko's eye twitched, looking over at Misaki. Apparently the man didn't realize that he and Hiroki were basically twins with expressing their emotions. "Nowaki knows he loves him. He's told him a few times, and Hiroki is more of a man of action most of the time than with words. Just the little things he does helps him communicate, and he's just lucky that Nowaki is the type of guy to see right through him."

Misaki hummed softly, falling silent so Akihiko could finish reading the set of cards. He chewed his bottom lip gently before reaching forward slowly, plucking the cigarette out of Usagi's mouth quickly. He ignored Akihiko's surprised protest and leaned into place his lips gently onto Akihiko's tobacco flavored ones.

He pulled away after a few moments, a light blush dusting itself across his cheeks. "L-like that kind of action?" he asked shakily.

"Yeah," Akihiko said in a somewhat daze. "Exactly like that."

**_#3 - Kiss with a Bite_ **

Akihiko sighed as he watched Misaki storm off up the stairs and into the spare bedroom that he typically sleeps in if he gets pissed at the novelist. Akihiko ran a hand through his hair, wondering how the situation had exactly made his lover so upset.

After all, he had been putting Misaki in his BL novels and regular mangas for the past two years. He doesn't even use Misaki's actual name just to make sure his boyfriend doesn't get too angry, and others -including Takahiro- don't stumble across them and figure out their secret. Why Misaki still gets so angry with the fact, Akihiko still can't quite comprehend.

He turned back to his laptop where he was previously typing one of his regular novels before Misaki burst in shouting and seething about the BL manga he had recently been placed in, and decided that he would type the rest of this chapter so Misaki could cool off before he went up to talk to him.

It took Akihiko a full hour to become content with his work on the chapter, and he decided that was plenty of time for Misaki to calm down. He shut the lid of the laptop before climbing up the stairs and knocked on the bedroom door that his smaller lover had escaped into. "Misaki? Can I come in and talk?"

"Even if I say no you'll just barge in anyway, so sure," Misaki called in from the other side. Akihiko couldn't help the slight smirk that had settled over his features, loving that Misaki learned his personality and thought process finally. If this had happened in the first months of their relationship, Misaki would have said no and Usagi would have opened the door anyway without a second thought.

Akihiko opened his mouth to question Misaki as to why he was so angry about the BL manga, but Misaki was suddenly in front of him, tugging him down with his tie and pressing his lips firmly against the silver-haired man's. Akihiko made a surprised sound in the back of his throat, a shiver running up and down his spine when Misaki bit down on his lower lip as he pulled away slowly.

Akihiko knew what that kind of kiss meant. Misaki was furious with him and he would have to find a way to make this up in a sweet and romantic way. Shit. He was running out of ideas on how to woo Misaki.

**_#4 - Deep Kiss_ **

Akihiko groaned quietly as he slowly slid inside his lover, gripping his slim hips in his cold hands as he did so. Misaki's body trembled underneath him, little moans of pain and pleasure falling from his parted, swollen lips, his toes curling at the feeling of penetration. Akihiko huffed and leaned down, his chest pressing against Misaki's as his body stilled for his lover to get used to the stretch.

He kissed along Misaki's jawline and side of his neck, running his long fingers comfortingly along his sides. Misaki heaved a breath, body relaxing slowly against the mattress due to Akihiko's ministrations and swallowed thickly as he nodded, gesturing for Usagi to move.

Akihiko complied without a moment's hesitation, his hips moving slowly as to not hurt Misaki in any way. Misaki whined lowly, wrapping his legs tightly around Akihiko's waist, his body gently rocking with Akihiko's movements. "I love you," Akihiko breathed quietly in Misaki's ear, causing the younger of the two to shiver in appreciation of the words.

"I… love you too," he murmured back, winding his arms around the back of Akihiko's neck, dragging his face closer to his own. Misaki had started saying the phrase back a few months ago suddenly when Akihiko was going through one of his insecure stages, and he continued to say it, much to Usagi's pleasure.

Misaki continued to pull Akihiko down until their lips met, tongues meeting together somewhere in the middle. Most of the kiss was panting and moaning into each other's mouths, and their nose continued to bump together a bit awkwardly due to Akihiko's quickened thrusting, but it didn't matter. It felt much more intimate if their lips were pressed together into a kiss, or at least ghosting against each other as they quickly spiral towards their climax together.

Akihiko had to admit, he liked these types of kisses best. Not just because they happen during sex like Misaki would accuse him of if he ever told him, but because they feel so special and private. It's a type of kiss that no one else ever gets to see, and it is shared while they're joining in the most intimate and beautiful way.

**Ugh, the ending was sooo cheesy, but I seriously couldn't think of any other way to end this story. Well… to be completely honest, this story was cheesy and probably gave anybody a cavity because it was so fluffy. And embarrassing maybe. The slight smut sucked too in my eyes, haha. ^^'**


	11. Tsumori

**Junjou Egoist**

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Nowaki asked Hiroki gently, his warm hands holding his lover's face , looking him in the eyes. "If this will end up making you uncomfortable or anything, we won't do this."

Hiroki huffed, feigning annoyance by Nowaki's concern, not allowing himself to show his boyfriend that he was happy that he was making sure Hiroki was absolutely okay with what he was wanting to do. "Of course I'm okay with this, idiot. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be letting you do this, so, just sit still for a minute."

"Alright, Hiro-san. But, at any moment if you want me to stop, just let me know. We can even come up with a safeword if you'd like," Nowaki murmured, his eyes closed as Hiroki reached forward and tied one of his ties over Nowaki's eyes as a makeshift blindfold.

"If we do will it keep you from worrying so much?" Hiroki asked moodily, securing the knot on the back of Nowaki's head. He felt his lover nod against his hands, and the brunette let out a soft sigh, momentarily thinking of a simple safeword that he probably would never even use. Sex with Nowaki had never been unpleasant, and he was certain it wouldn't be unpleasant here either. "How about red? You know, like a stopping color."

"That sounds good," Nowaki said with a small smile, his hands ghosting across Hiroki's already bare chest, his fingers bumping against Hiroki's nipples. "I don't really like not being able to see your face though, Hiro-san. You make such beautiful expressions during sex."

Hiroki felt his face heat up all the way to his ears from Nowaki's comment, and he bit his tongue from sputtering out an embarrassed yet angered response. "H-how can you manage to say that with a straight face?" he muttered under his breath, a shiver running across his spine when Nowaki lightly pinched one of his nipples.

"Because it's the truth," Nowaki replied simply and pulled his hands away from Hiroki's chest so he could find his hips. Nowaki carefully pulled Hiroki into his lap, burying his face into the crook of Hiroki's neck, kissing the sensitive skin there as his smaller lover got into a comfortable position above him. "You're already prepared, right?" Nowaki mumbled into his neck, his warm breath tickling Hiroki minimally.

Hiroki nodded, knowing that Nowaki would be able to feel it. There was no way he would be able to voice to Nowaki that he was ready, and that he had even prepared himself earlier this afternoon when he had been taking his shower. He had figured that it would speed up the process of Nowaki finally getting inside of him. When he felt the head of Nowaki's cock brush against his entrance, he knew he was right.

"I love you, Hiro-san," Nowaki breathed softly, tilting his head away from Hiroki's neck, resting the back of it against the headboard behind him. Hiroki mumbled the confession back as he reached up to place his hands on Nowaki's broad shoulders as he lowered himself down on Nowaki's erection. As expected, he felt slight discomfort as Nowaki slid inside him, but it was quickly replaced by small bursts of pleasure once he was settled completely on Nowaki's cock.

Hiroki's toes curled loosely for a split second as he let out a quiet mewl of pleasure as Nowaki shifted his hips a bit, a soft sigh escaping his taller partner. Hiroki drifted his eyelids shut slowly as he leaned forward, bringing their faces closer together until their lips met gently. Nowaki responded to the kiss eagerly while Hiroki worked on rotating his hips, sending electric shocks of pleasure throughout their bodies.

"Fuck," Hiroki hissed into the kiss when Nowaki's teeth mildly sunk into his swollen bottom lip, pain and pleasure melding together for a moment causing a shudder to rack through his already trembling frame. He gripped Nowaki's shoulders tightly for leverage as he raised his body, disconnecting their lips, before bringing himself back down onto Nowaki's cock.

His blunt nails dug into Nowaki's shoulders, biting the skin there until red half moon shapes temporarily tattooed themselves there. "Feels good, Hiro-san," Nowaki breathed, lips parted in bliss, his eyelids fluttering behind the blindfold. Without being able to see anything at all heightened his sense of feeling, so with each pleasurable drag of his cock inside the tight heat of his lover seemed to feel better than usual.

Hiroki opened his eyes lazily, his slender body still moving quickly on top of Nowaki, wanting to bring him as much pleasure as he could. He watched as Nowaki's handsome face contorted into different expressions of satisfaction. It made Hiroki almost want to tear the tie away from Nowaki's eyes, but refrained himself from doing so. This was something his lover had wanted to try out, and he wasn't going to take this experience away from Nowaki just because he wanted to selfishly see his face.

"...Mori."

Hiroki's body tensed slightly on top of Nowaki's, his eyes snapping open completely in shock. No. He must have heard his boyfriend wrong. There's no way-.

"Tsu… mori," Nowaki groaned beneath Hiroki, his hands shooting out from where they had previously been gripping the bedsheets beside him to hold onto Hiroki's stuttering hips. No. He hadn't heard him wrong, he was saying that blonde doctor's name instead of his. That's why he wanted to try out the blindfold. He wanted to imagine Tsumori instead of him.

Hiroki choked on a sob and he pushed on Nowaki's strong chest, trying to get away from him and that name, but Nowaki's vice grip on him made it impossible for him to make his escape. "Nowaki, please, stop!" Hiroki cried out desperately, tears dripping down his flushed cheeks. He reached up with trembling hands, yanking the blindfold away from Nowaki's face, but the blissed out moaning didn't stop from his taller lover even though Hiroki had stopped moving a while ago.

"Tsumori!"

Hiroki covered his ears, hunching over so the top of his head was pressing against Nowaki's chest. The name seemed to echo around him despite his hands working as barriers, and it seemed to get louder and louder with every chant until it was deafening. "Stop! Nowaki! Please, just stop!" He clenched his teeth, and with one last desperate attempt, he shouted the safeword, but the name didn't stop its echo.

"Hiro-san! Wake up!"

Hiroki's body jolted with surprise, his russet eyes snapping open as he sat up, reflexively going to crunch himself over into his protective fetal position. He stopped in mid move though when he felt a warm hand laid gently on his shoulder and Nowaki's comforting voice murmuring  _his_ name. Not Tsumori's. Not Takahiro's. Not anyone else's, but his.

He whipped his head around to face his clearly perturbed lover. Nowaki's black hair was in a mess on his head, and underneath his anxious-filled eyes were large bags, indicating his lack of sleep for the past few days. Hiroki knew he should feel guilty for waking his lover from his first sleep after the past few days of shifts at the hospital, but he was here and worrying about him. Loving him. No one else.

A relieved sob sound tore itself free from his throat as he shamelessly latched himself onto Nowaki, startling the newly appointed pediatrician in the process. "Hiro-san? What did you dream about? You kept calling my name and telling me to stop something. What was I doing?"

Hiroki shook his head, curling his fingers into Nowaki's sleeping shirt, breathing in his scent. Even though Nowaki's natural, calming smell was being masked over by the antibacterial scents from the hospital, he still felt his body relax in Nowaki's warm embrace. He felt warmth seep through his shirt and onto his lower back, and he knew Nowaki had placed his hand there for comfort. "Hiro-san, please, tell me what's wrong."

Hiroki took in a composing breath, pulling himself away from Nowaki just enough so he could see his face so he could communicate with him properly. "It was just a dream," he murmured to himself, more like a reassurance for himself than anything else.

"I know, Hiro-san. But… what was I doing to you in that dream that made you so panicked?" Nowaki asked, his voice almost pained. Hiroki couldn't help the little smile that graced his lips, happy knowing that Nowaki couldn't stand the thought of hurting him even in a nightmare.

"You weren't really doing anything  _to_ me," Hiroki murmured softly, picking a loose thread on one of Nowaki's shirts that he had worn to bed. "But, we… um, you had suggested to have sex while wearing a blindfold and I agreed."

Nowaki's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, the muscles in his jaw working as he debated with himself on whether or not to ask his following question. "Isn't that what you and Usami-san used?" he asked timidly. Hiroki winced at the reminder, and Nowaki's timid tone. The man was never timid, and when he was, it was because he was either being insecure or trying to not strike a nerve in Hiroki.

"Yeah. But, I guess you were just wanting to try it. Anyway, we were… doing it and somewhere in the middle you started to call out T-tsumori's name instead of mine. In the dream you had obviously wanted to imagine having sex with him instead of me. I guess this was like the memory of Akihiko and I, except I replaced it with you because I'm much more scared of losing you over Akihiko now since I'm in love with you and not him."

Nowaki sat silent for a moment before sighing softly and bringing Hiroki back into his arms, ignoring his halfhearted wriggles to get away. "I would never propose to do that in the first place, but I would absolutely never call out anyone else's name besides yours. I'm sorry you had a dream like that."

"It's okay," Hiroki whispered, sinking against Nowaki's chest, closing his eyes as he felt drowsiness wash over him suddenly. "You can't control my dreams. But, I know that you'd never do that, so you don't have to worry about it. I'm sorry that I woke you with this stupid thing."

"Don't call it stupid, Hiro-san," Nowaki muttered and slowly laid them both back down on the bed, but didn't release his hold on Hiroki. The professor didn't complain though, and only snuggled closer, tangling their legs together in the process. "I'm glad I woke up in order to console you. If you ever have a nightmare that scares you, or leaves you feeling uncomfortable, I want you to tell me even if I don't wake up at first. You're my first priority, even above myself."

Hiroki felt his face heat up from Nowaki's little speech, but didn't try to tell him to stop spouting out embarrassing and cheesy lines. He allowed himself to bask in his lover's sweet words, ignoring his pride yelling at him to make some sort of remark. He needed the reassurance tonight, and he was going to let Nowaki murmur sweet nothings into his ear until they both fell asleep.


	12. Stop Light

**Junjou Romantica**

**Warning: Major Character Death!**

Maybe Akihiko shouldn't have told Misaki he was going to drive him to the grocery store when he had pulled another all nighter. Maybe Misaki shouldn't have been lecturing him angrily while Akihiko was concentrating on driving. Or maybe, they both should have spotted they stop light glaring at them both in bright red overhead or none of this would have happened.

Akihiko blinked with a low, pained groan as he tried to straighten himself out of his slumped over position. He winced from the sharp pain in his side which caused him to slump over again where the pain wasn't as prominent. The right side of his head was also throbbing, and he could feel a warm liquid trickling down his face in a steady flow.  _What happened?_

He opened his eyes slowly again once he got used to the pain in his side and head. His vision was blurry, but he could make out the steering wheel in front of him. However, something was off. Terribly off. The dashboard seemed crumpled starting in the middle right before the passenger side was reached inside of his vehicle. And he could detect the very strong scent of burning metal now. It was a very interesting smell, but it was too much and it was everywhere around him.

Was that shouting he could hear outside the car as well? Why were people shouting? What the hell was going on and why couldn't he stop being so dazed? He blinked slowly again, taking in a steady breath trying to wake himself from this strange feeling of vertigo. Where was Misaki? His lover's name seemed to awaken something inside the young author, his memory suddenly coming back to him in fuzzy pictures.

He and Misaki were arguing over something stupid, as usual. Then, all of the sudden, there was a loud honking and a screeching noise that caused his car to swerve to the right. Almost immediately after he felt intense pain all over his body before he passed out from it. Maybe he passed out from shock too. But… Misaki. He had to make sure he was okay too.

Akihiko turned his head in the direction where Misaki was sitting beside him, praying that he was going to be alright and just be in the same exact state as him. Just confused and in just a bit of pain. But, what he saw next wasn't just "a bit of pain".

Misaki was slumped over in his seat, the safety belt cutting into his throat so much that Akihiko wanted to reach forward and unlatch the damn thing so it wasn't choking his boyfriend. But, he didn't do so in fear that Misaki would fall forward and crash through the already cracked windshield.

However, that wasn't the thing that was most concerning to him. Misaki's right side seemed to be arched towards Akihiko in an abnormal way, and he seemed to not be breathing at the moment. Or at least, not much at all to the point Akihiko had to strain his eyes to make sure Misaki's side was moving. It was. Just… almost not. Akihiko was also worried about the blood that was trickling out of both sides of Misaki's mouth. That was a sign of internal bleeding right?

"Misaki?" Akihiko called out weakly, his voice shaky. His heart pounded fearfully against his chest, his stomach in nervous knots as he heard sirens get closer and closer to where he and his lover were trapped. The shouting outside was also getting louder and more panicked. Yet, no response was given to him by his lover. Misaki's closed eyelids weren't even fluttering anymore. Was he still breathing? Akihiko didn't get a chance to check before there was a loud sound of metal grinding together on his door, clearly being pried open.

Bright sunlight flooded through the car when his door was wrenched away, and there was a man's voice calling out to other paramedics that there was another passenger that someone needed to get the hell out as soon as possible. Suddenly, the seatbelt that was holding Akihiko up in his seat was released and he choked out a distressed sound as he began to fall forward, the pain in his side shooting up and down his entire body from the sudden jolt. Someone's strong arms caught him before he crashed into the windshield and pulled him out of his totalled vehicle gently.

"First patient is responding!" Akihiko blinked as the paramedic who was holding him shouted at the others who were bustling around, and he raised his face to look up at his rescuer. He… looked familiar. The doctor looked down at Akihiko, his bright blue eyes calm, but with a grief kind of shine to them. "It's going to be okay, Usami-sensei," he murmured and began to lift him up onto a stretcher by himself.

' _Who was this man and how did he know his name? Why did he look familiar? Why weren't they getting to his Misaki sooner?'_ Those were Akihiko's last coherent thoughts before his body gave way to the pain and he passed out again with the shouts of paramedics and yelling of citizens surrounding him.

**-Page Break-**

Akihiko's eyelids fluttered open, what felt like minutes later, when in reality it had been seven hours. He groaned groggily, shifting his body slightly, but released a low cry of pain when he did so. The pain in his side wasn't nearly as bad as earlier, but it was still there. He glanced around his environment, soon coming to the conclusion that he was in a hospital room. Most likely in the ICU judging from the small size of the room and the constant chatter of doctors and nurses outside.

His eyes drifted closed again for a moment, knowing he was in safe hands, but quickly snapped them open again when he realized he had no idea about the current condition of Misaki. He looked around the room, trying to locate where he could push a nurse assistance button, but stopped his search when his best friend Hiroki entered the room, his face worn and tired.

"Akihiko," he said, his tone relieved. "I'm glad you woke up. It's about time you did," he said as he walked over to the silver haired man's bed. Akihiko looked up at the smaller brunette man, not able to get his question in before Hiroki started to babble on again.

"You're going to be just fine. Nowaki said so himself, he was the doctor who got you out of the car, just so you know. You had a piece of glass stuck in your right side which is why your side is hurting-"

"Hiroki," Akihiko tried to cut in, but his friend just kept rambling on, his hands wringing something he was holding in his hands. It looked like a pale yellow scarf.

"And you have a slight concussion from the impact of the other car, but it's nothing serious. You also have a few bruises on your arms, and chest I think-"

"Hiroki," Akihiko tried again.

"Um, you also broke your left wrist. Also, you happened to break your right foot when trying to punch the emergency brake when the impact happened-."

"Kamijou!" Akihiko shouted, his good arm shooting out to grab onto one of Hiroki's arms. The literature professor immediately stopped his talking, his teeth sinking into his lower lip instead, his brown eyes glimmering with panic and sorrow. "What about Misaki? Is he okay too?"

Hiroki bowed his head down, pulling his arm away from Akihiko's loose grip so he could lift up whatever he had been holding in his hands and placed it on the author's chest. "He… would have wanted you to have this. I think," he grumbled. Akihiko looked down. It was Misaki's yellow scarf that he was wearing earlier today, and his stomach clenched when he saw a few drops of blood on the corner of it.  _Misaki's blood._

"You haven't answered me, Hiroki. How is Misaki?"

Hiroki fell silent once more, the only sound surrounding them was the constant beeping of Akihiko's heart monitor that was steadily speeding up in his dismay. He heard Hiroki swallow thickly before he raised his hand to lace his fingers with Akihiko's as comfort. "He… he didn't make it, Akihiko. I'm so sorry. He died just a couple minutes after the impact."

Akihiko stared at their intertwined hands, his heart literally stopping in his chest for a couple breathless seconds. You could tell by the brief silence of the heart monitor. There was no way. Misaki was alive. He's just in another room, being taken care of and healed so they could both be taken home together. They'd go back to being happy. In love. Healthy.  _Alive._

"You're lying to me," Akihiko bit out bitterly, tearing his hand away from Hiroki's as if it had burned him, but he had a delayed reaction to it. "He's alive, he's just fine. He's… he's waiting for me to wake up. And- and we're going to go home together, and we'll both be healthy and unwounded again." His voice was getting more and more choked with every word as the realization began to dawn on him.

Hiroki shook his head slowly, his head still looking down at the tiled floor, and Akihiko sees two tear drops fall from Kamijou's eyes and splatter onto the floor. He was serious. Hiroki would never pull a sick joke like this, especially when the man rarely jokes anyway. Misaki was dead. Gone. Never coming back again.

Akihiko dropped his head against the pillow, noisy sobs tearing from his throat before tears even began to fall from his lavender eyes. He could feel the warmth of Hiroki's hand back in his, and Akihiko squeezed onto it as he felt the first tears trace against his cheek. It felt as if they were cutting through his skin, scorching him. Why? Why now? Why Misaki?

"I'm sorry," Hiroki murmured quietly, reaching his free hand forward to run it through Akihiko's hair. "I'll be with you. I'll help you through this, okay? It's… it's going to be okay even though it doesn't seem like it right now."

Akihiko shook his head against the pillow, taking in huge gulps of air, trying to calm himself. "Misaki," he called out quietly, squeezing Hiroki's hand tighter. "Misaki. Misaki. Misaki!"

There was no more Misaki to hug, kiss, embrace, or love. There was no more Misaki to yell at him for doing something stupid and foolish. There was no more Misaki to blush at Akihiko's sudden confessions of love or his perverted jokes and innuendoes. There was no more Misaki to tell him, ever so shyly, that he loves him. There was only going to be the bitter silence in the apartment. The remaining smell rubbed off on Misaki's clothes, the bedsheets, and his pillow. There was only going to be Akihiko alone in the apartment again, though this time it will be miserable solitude because he knows what it's like to be in the presence of his love, but only had it torn out of his grasp with wicked laughter to follow. All he would have to be in Misaki's presence will be dreams and a graveyard.

****Wow… I seriously depressed myself with this and can't even feel horrified with what I wrote because of the** ** **_**feels** _ ** ****I gave myself. Um, I hope this story gave you the feels it did me, and I promise I'll make this up to those of you who feel depressed or sad because of this fanfiction.** **


	13. Massage

**Junjou Egoist**

Nowaki looked over towards his and Hiroki's apartment's entrance when he heard the door open and closed followed by stumbling steps and Hiroki's grumbled greeting. "Welcome home," Nowaki called back happily as he untied the apron he had on to make dinner. Hiroki entered the kitchen and placed his briefcase on the table as he walked inside. "How was work?"

"Same as usual," Hiroki said with a shrug as he looked over Nowaki's shoulder to see what his lover had made. "Except now that it's finals I've been grading so many tests since the beginning of the day that my back and shoulders are killing me. And, only a few have passed so far from the tests that I have graded."

"I'm sorry to hear that your back and shoulders are hurting," Nowaki said gently and wrapped an arm around Hiroki's shoulders, not in the least bit surprised that only a few of Hiroki's students passed. From what he's learned, a lot of the students that Hiroki taught were stupid and only were in college for partying. "I could give you a massage later tonight if you'd like," Nowaki suggested.

"That sounds good," Hiroki mumbled before leaning himself further against Nowaki's chest. Much to Nowaki's pleasure, Hiroki has grown more affectionate through the past few months. Nowaki leaned to the side slightly and pressed his lips against the crown of Hiroki's head.

"After dinner I'll give you that massage. So while I'm washing the dishes, you can go and get ready on the bed," Nowaki said with a small smile before letting go of Hiroki to get two plates out of the cupboard along with a couple of glasses.

"Don't get any perverted ideas," Hiroki snapped at him as he walked over to the table to clear off his briefcase from it so Nowaki could set the table. "I only want a massage, so you're not going to jump me halfway through it." He could hear Nowaki's amused laugh from the kitchen, and he could feel a blush rising to his cheeks.

"Hiro-san, if I'm remembering correctly, every time I've given you a massage you get turned on. It's not really my fault," Nowaki said as he placed two plates on the counter and began to pile food on each of the plates. He laughed again when Hiroki sputtered something in embarrassment, trying to deny the fact.

After they were both done eating, and Nowaki was finished washing the dishes, Hiroki was waiting on the bed with just his boxers on lying on his stomach. He heard Nowaki walk in after just a couple minutes of waiting, and his body stiffened slightly in anticipation. He knew where this massage was going, and he was sure Nowaki knew as well.

Nowaki climbed onto the bed and straddled Hiroki's waist, making sure to not crush him as he did so. He leaned forward, kissing the nape of Hiroki's neck sweetly before sitting back up and uncapping the lotion he was going to use for the massage. "Where are you feeling the most discomfort, Hiro-san?"

"My shoulders," Hiroki answered with a small roll of his shoulders for emphasis. "But, once you start massaging I'll be able to tell you exactly where you need to massage."

Nowaki nodded and squeezed some of the lotion onto his large hand before reaching down to press his fingertips against the back of Hiroki's neck after pushing his hair away. Hiroki let out a quiet hum when he felt the lotion that Nowaki was using warm against his skin immediately. Nowaki let his fingers dance along Hiroki's neck for a few minutes before slowly trailing down to where Hiroki's neck met his shoulders.

"Keep massaging there for a bit," Hiroki advised him quietly, licking his lips as his eyes drifted shut. Nowaki gave a small noise of acknowledgement, not wanting to talk much and distract Hiroki from the relaxation of the massage. He flattened his hands out, kneading against the strained muscles gently, just enough to apply good pressure but not enough to start hurting. He remained there, massaging that area of Hiroki's shoulders until he felt them relax and he moved on down Hiroki's back.

After about half an hour of thoroughly massaging Hiroki's shoulders, upper and lower back, Nowaki grabbed a towel to wipe of the lotion from Hiroki's skin. "Feel better?" Nowaki asked quietly once he pulled the towel away from Hiroki's back and tossed it into the dirty hamper they kept inside the bedroom.

Hiroki nodded against the pillow he was resting his head on and shifted his hips back slightly, pressing them against Nowaki's pelvis. "Yeah," he murmured, his tone almost husky. "But, I'm starting to feel a bit tense in another area."

Nowaki smirked and he lowered himself back down, sucking the skin behind Hiroki's ears where he knew his lover was sensitive. He felt a wave of satisfaction wash over him when he heard Hiroki's sharp intake of breath followed by a shuddered, breathy moan. "Well, we don't want that, do we?" he purred lowly into his ear. "I want you as relaxed as possible, after all."

Hiroki made a small sound of agreement as he quickly flipped himself onto his back and pulled Nowaki down for a kiss, grinding their hips together teasingly. Hiroki pulled away from the kiss after a few moments, staring into Nowaki's blown eyes. "Better get started on relaxing me even further then, Kusama-sensei," he said in a seductive whisper.


	14. I Want to Stay With Him

**Junjou Romantica**

Misaki nervously picked at a loose thread that he had found on one of the pillows that was next to him, winding it around his finger tightly before unwinding it, just to repeat the entire process over. His brother, his wife, and their child were sitting on the opposite couch from him and Akihiko again, his brother going on about how Misaki needs a place of his own so he can become independent. So he can become the man he needs to be. So he can find a wife and have a family. All the things that Misaki just didn't really want to do, at least, not in the way his brother wanted him to do them.

"Misaki," Takahiro suddenly called out, gently demanding his younger brother's attention. Misaki obeyed the order, his large green eyes falling away from where he was watching the red thread turn his finger a violet color from cutting off his circulation; he was getting too nervous. "You've grown up in hardships all your life, and you know how dark the world can be. I'm just worried you're being too pampered here and you'll forget how to live independently and strongly. I think it's best that you get out as soon as possible."

Misaki's eyebrows drew together, his gaze transferring over to where his secret lover was sitting, silent as ever. Why wasn't he saying anything this time to help him out? To convince his brother that Misaki was doing just fine here and wasn't at all being pampered too much? He only looked scared, and slightly betrayed and hurt in a way. That's when it dawned on Misaki, that Akihiko was believing all of the things Takahiro was saying, and wasn't trying to argue because he really only wants what's best for Misaki.

But, Misaki didn't want to leave. Maybe that wasn't what was best for him. Maybe he was being spoiled just a bit too much. But, he loves Akihiko and when has he ever really asked for a selfish thing in his life? If he just asks this one thing, this one selfish thing that means the world to Misaki, will his brother disagree? Hate him? Hate Akihiko? Or, would he just accept it and move on?

"Misaki?" His brother called out again. "You do know where I'm coming from don't you? You see how I'm looking into your best interest?"

Misaki swallowed thickly, pushing the pillow away from him as he took a deep, calming breath as he thought that  _this was it_. It was now or never, because he knew his brother wasn't going to be coming down here to talk about this with him and Usami again. "Nii-chan," he said boldly. "I understand that you think you're looking into my best interest, but I don't think that it's for my best interest at all."

Takahiro's eyebrows crinkled in confusion, not understanding where Misaki was coming from. "I always thought you wanted to move out as soon as you graduated and start a family? That's what you've told me before."

Misaki shook his head slowly, glancing back over his shoulder at Usagi-san, who was staring at Misaki in complete disbelief. Good. At least he and his boyfriend were on the same page, and knew exactly what Misaki was about to do. "I know I used to talk about those kinds of things, nii-chan, but I've gotten older and changed my mind. I… I don't want to leave Usagi-san."

Takahiro shook his head slowly, cocking his head to the side as his eyebrows pressed even closer together. "Is it because you like the way he spoils you or something else?"

"Something else entirely," Misaki replied automatically. He licked his lips nervously, his heart pounding against his ribcage as he balled his hands into fists, preparing himself for whatever outcome that was to come following his next words. "I'm in love with him, nii-chan. I don't want to leave Usagi-san because I'm in love with him."

The entire apartment fell into a tense silence. Akihiko stared at Misaki in amazement as well as complete adoration. He couldn't believe that Misaki had actually grown the confidence to come out to his brother. Manami was holding Mahiro close to her chest, a look of bewilderment taking over her features. Takahiro on the other hand was seeming to be flickering through multiple emotions until they all settled on one: anger.

Misaki's eyes widened at the look that crossed his usually kindhearted brother, but the look wasn't directed towards him at all. It was directed towards Akihiko. "How dare you?" he asked, his voice in a whisper, which made Misaki wish that his brother was yelling instead. His brother practically hissing in anger was incredibly… unsettling.

"Excuse me?" Akihiko asked, his normally calm voice shocked and hurt. Misaki winced, knowing that Takahiro directing all of his anger on him must be hurting his lover so much considering the fact that Takahiro was his best friend, and he used to be in love with him. Misaki really wondered what Takahiro's reaction would be towards  _that_ kind of information.

"How dare you take advantage of my little brother just to quench your own desires?!" Takahiro suddenly shouted and stood up from the couch. Misaki stood up as well, taking up a defensive stance in fear that this entire situation could turn violent very fast with the rash way his brother was acting. "Misaki is practically still a child and you've brainwashed him into thinking he's something that he's not!"

Misaki glowered, his heart beginning to pound against his chest in a new way instead of fear; but absolute rage. How dare his brother jump to these kinds of conclusions and attack his best friend like this and deny his younger brother's sexuality immediately? "Stop it!" he shouted, standing in front of a still surprised Akihiko. "How dare  _you_ automatically blame Usagi-san for- for brainwashing me into thinking that I was in love with him? Do you really think that lowly of your friend, and think that I'm just some stupid little kid who gets tricked so easily?"

Takahiro's angry expression slowly began to dwindle into one of shock, mirroring Akihiko's own look. Misaki only took this as an encouragement to keep on going.

"If I had ever once felt threatened, or uncomfortable with Usagi-san, I would have left. You gave me plenty of opportunities to go and live with you and Manami-san, but I didn't take them because I want to stay with Usagi-san,  _by choice_. Don't you think that if Usagi-san ever once took advantage of me in the way you're thinking, I would have called you?"

Takahiro looked at Misaki, seeming at a loss for words for a moment before he was finally able to stammer something out. "But, Misaki, it isn't  _normal_ ," he argued weakly.

Misaki's rage fueled on and he took a step forward, his entire frame shaking from anger. "Don't you fucking say it isn't normal! So what if Usagi-san is another guy? So what if he has a penis? Does it  _really_ matter when it comes to loving somebody? What if Manami-san was a man? What if you met her, and you fell in love with her despite her being another man? Would  _you_ like me coming up and saying that it isn't normal?"

Takahiro took a surprised step back, his eyes so wide his eyebrows were almost to his hairline. To see Misaki lash out like this was… horrifying to say in the least. Especially when he has never yelled at Takahiro like this before. In fact, he's sure Misaki has never yelled at somebody this angrily before.

"And guess what, nii-chan? I'm twenty-two years old now, which means I can make my own damn decisions and you can't tell me what to do. So, if you're saying this is going to come between me choosing you or Usagi-san, I'm choosing Usagi-san," Misaki finished, his shoulders heaving from all of his screaming. "If you're going to continue to have a problem with this, you can go ahead and leave."

Takahiro stood still silently for several moments before clearing his throat awkwardly and turned around to grab his coat from the couch. "Just… just give me some time to let this all sink in. I'll call you later when I can wrap my mind around this, okay? I don't want to be pushed completely out of your life, so I'll get used to this. Just give me a bit of time."

"Whatever," Misaki growled out, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared at the wall to his right. About a minute later of feet shuffling and Mahiro's curious, panicked questions, the condo's front door slammed shut with an empty echo surrounding Misaki. Just like that, he knew that even if Takahiro came to terms with his and Akihiko's relationship, Misaki and Takahiro's brotherly relationship would never be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty much how I believe Takahiro and Misaki would react. Honestly, I don't think Takahiro is going to be okay with Akihiko and Misaki being in a romantic relationship with each other. There will probably be some arguing and I do believe that whatever the outcome is, Takahiro will never really be able to see Misaki nor Akihiko the same.


	15. Apron

**Junjou Egoist**

About two years ago, Nowaki has a clear memory of at one point he had thought about certain things he wished Hiroki would do that would make their relationship even more engaging. One of these was his beloved fiance wearing a small apron, and that was it as his article of clothing. Never in his life had he actually expected to walk inside of his apartment to find his lover standing in the living room with just an apron on, his face directed towards the floor in an attempt to hide his red face. "W-welcome home," he stammered out, trying to cover up his embarrassment.

"Hiro-san," Nowaki whispered, blinking repeatedly as if to reassure himself that he wasn't just imagining or dreaming this. But, the heat stirring up in his lower stomach from arousal confirmed him that this was indeed reality. "Why are you… when did you- what?" he stumbled over his words, still not quite able to get over his shock from Hiroki's sudden advancements to make the first move in anything sexual.

"If you don't like this I'd rather you tell me instead of trying to sugarcoat it!" Hiroki exclaimed, tilting his head towards the ground further to shield his face with his hair. He had just figured that this was something Nowaki would have liked to see him in considering he was a romantic sap, and he remembers a conversation they had that was brought up from some weird television show they were watching one night where some guy came out in a dress as a joke. He teasingly asked Nowaki if he ever daydreamed about him being in some sort of slutty dress, and Nowaki had responded that he didn't really like the thought of guys in dresses because it was too much of a girl thing. But, an apron wasn't a dress. Or, did Nowaki think it was?

"No, that isn't it at all, Hiro-san," Nowaki got out before the small brunette could make a dash towards the bedroom or bathroom to change and hide. "I really like this, and I appreciate you wanting to do something like this for me. I just don't really understand why you're doing it so suddenly." In truth, he was kind of fearing that he was boring his boyfriend in the bedroom and he was desperate for doing something different from what they usually did.

"Be-because you were all upset the other day from a patient of yours not making it or something, and I didn't really know how to comfort you. I… I did this in hope that it would cheer you up because I don't know how else to! You've also been acting all depressed for the past couple of weeks anyways and it's making me worried. You won't even make any kind of reaction when I kiss you, or hug you, or even try to hold your hand! I was getting scared you were getting tired of me and I did this as a last attempt to make you notice me before I tried to talk to you about you wanting to break up with me."

Nowaki blinked a couple of times, angry with himself that he made Hiroki feel insecure about his feelings for him again. "That isn't it at all, Hiro-san. I've just been thinking about childish things and they've been making me a bit upset, and I have been so distracted I just couldn't really register what you were trying to do for me until now. I'm so sorry," he murmured and took a few steps towards Hiroki, wrapping his arms around the older man's slightly trembling frame. "If you're really not comfortable in this, you can go take it off. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, even if I really am enjoying seeing you in this."

"I'm fine," Hiroki mumbled out quietly, wrapping his arms back around Nowaki, curling his fingers in the back of his black hoodie. "I just want to know what you were thinking that made you feel so upset. You know… you can always come talk to me if something's bothering you, no matter how childish you think it'll sound to me. If it's really bothering you, I want you to tell me about it so we can talk." Hiroki paused for a moment. "Especially if it's about me, or about your past."

Nowaki's body stiffened slightly, and Hiroki knew he had hit the nail on the head. "Are you wanting to hear about it now? Because, if so, you're going to have to take off that apron because it's going to distract me," Nowaki mumbled into Hiroki's hair. Hiroki sighed heavily, chewing his bottom lip before pulling away from Nowaki slightly, just to grab his hand and tug him along with him towards the bedroom.

"We'll talk later. You always are more open with me during afterglow anyway," Hiroki said softly as they entered the room. He turned around and shut the bedroom door. Even if there was nobody else living in the apartment with them, he always felt more secure with the door shut. Nowaki nodded once before he put one hand on the back of Hiroki's head to tilt his face up and brought their lips together softly. Hiroki responded to the kiss instantly, happy to have Nowaki's attention back on him instead of constantly worrying and thinking about whatever he has been for the past couple of weeks. Come to think of it, they haven't done anything remotely sexual like this for the past two weeks, so he's feeling kind of pent up.

"Bed,  _now,"_ Hiroki managed to hiss out in between Nowaki's urgent and heated kisses. Nowaki hummed, letting Hiroki know that he had heard his demand as he continued to kiss him for a few more quick moments, before Hiroki felt his large hands on his hips as the taller man turned them in the direction of the bed. They both took a couple steps before Hiroki felt the back of his knees hit the edge of the mattress and he tumbled down onto it with a quiet surprised breath.

Nowaki's body was over him again after Hiroki got comfortable, and their lips met once again in a powerful clash. It had been far too long since they did  _any_ of this; even properly kiss. Hiroki shifted his hips up slightly, silently tempting Nowaki to start grinding their bodies together to start some sort of friction. His lure worked, and half a second after his body shifted, Hiroki could feel Nowaki's half hard erection pressing against his as he ground gently against him.

Hiroki gasped into Nowaki's mouth, the thin fabric of the apron barely keeping out any of the feeling of Nowaki grinding against him. He needed those clothes off of his fiance  _now_. His hands moved away from where he had placed them on Nowaki's back and hooked his fingers around the hem of Nowaki's black hoodie, tugging it up just enough so Nowaki would get the message. Nowaki pulled away from the kiss, pulling off his hoodie and shirt together before leaning down to resume their kiss.

"Pants too," Hiroki murmured out, turning his head to where Nowaki's lips only hit the bottom of his jaw. He heard Nowaki's small sound of surprise, but the figure hovering over him left as Nowaki stood to shed his pants quickly, leaving them in a pile with his shirt and hoodie. He was back over Hiroki in less than twenty seconds, kissing down his neck slowly, careful to not leave marks where anyone could see them.

Hiroki spread his legs a bit more, inviting Nowaki between them as his lover resumed his grinding. With the pants gone, the pleasured feeling returned, only heightened this time. He could feel the black haired man's smirk against his neck once Hiroki started to make louder noises -that Hiroki would smother into the pillow if he could- with every drag of his hips. "Feel good, Hiro-san?" he purred teasingly.

"Sh-shut up," Hiroki whimpered, embarrassed because he knew that Nowaki knew how much pleasure this was bringing him. "Don't ask such stupid questions."

"Sorry, Hiro-san," Nowaki breathed back in response, his warm hand trailing along Hiroki's chest and stomach until he reached where the apron ended. He pulled it up to the top of Hiroki's stomach, revealing Hiroki's fully hard cock. Hiroki flinched when cold air brushed against his leaking erection, but it was soon replaced with a hand that had wrapped around him. Hiroki groaned, tilting his head back, his eyes fluttering shut for a second.

"Mmm, oh God Nowaki, feels nice," Hiroki murmured out, licking his dry parted lips. Normally receiving just a handjob from his lover wouldn't feel this good, but today he seemed to be especially sensitive. Was it due to the pent up arousal he's been feeling for the past weeks? Or, just the sheer relief from knowing that Nowaki didn't hate him, and wasn't tired of him. He presumed it was both.

He missed Nowaki's sappy words of how he was glad he was able to make his Hiro-san feel good as he began to slowly kiss down his lightly trembling body and to his upper, inner thighs. Hiroki made a pathetic whimpered sound when he could feel Nowaki's warm breath ghosting across his cock, but never was able to feel the wet warmth of his mouth wrap around him. "Nowaki," he gasped, refusing to let himself beg.

"Yes, Hiro-san? Is there something you want?" Nowaki asked. Hiroki silently cursed him once he detected the teasing in Nowaki's low voice. This was so unfair; he knew exactly what he wanted. Hiroki grit his teeth and bucked his hips up, silently telling him what he already knew he wanted. No way he would be reduced to a begging, needy bitch. He closed his eyes, waiting for the warmth to surround him, but he was met with three fingers prying against his lips.

His eyes snapped open, his eyebrows drawn together in an angry furrow. Nowaki laughed quietly, shifting his hips forward so his covered cock pressed against his entrance. "I can give you something much better, Hiro-san. You've just got to suck," he whispered seductively, and how could Hiroki refuse when he was looking down at him with  _those_ eyes and talking to him with  _that_ tone?

He parted his lips, taking Nowaki's long fingers into his mouth and started to suck. He ran his tongue along the three digits, listening to Nowaki's breathing as it got a bit heavier from the way Hiroki was suggestively sucking on his fingers. Hiroki smirked around them as he sucked on them for a few more minutes before letting them go with a quiet pop. "C'mon, Nowaki," he purred in a voice he knew drove Nowaki crazy as he lifted up his hips. "Give me something better."

Nowaki's eyes narrowed slightly, taking on Hiroki's silent challenge confidently as he brought his wet fingers down to Hiroki's entrance, tracing along the rim in a taunting way. Hiroki arched his back, a desperate noise cutting free from his mouth as he pressed against the teasing fingers. He wasn't going to win this one. Nowaki was going to make him beg one way or another. "Nowaki, do something," he hissed.

Nowaki snickered and leaned down, poking his tongue out slightly so he traced it along the curve of Hiroki's ear. Hiroki jolted from the pleasant touch, his lips falling open once again in a silent moan. "What's the word, Hiro-san?" he murmured lowly into his ear. "I know you know it. Quite well, actually. You've screamed it before in upright desperation. Do you remember that?"

Damn Nowaki. Hiroki growled lowly in one last attempt to keep his pride in this moment, before breaking down and pleading with his clearly dominate lover. He could be persuasively forceful when he wanted to be, which wasn't a gift Hiroki was given. "Please," he murmured out when he felt the tip of one of Nowaki's fingers push inside him for a second before pulling back out. "Please, do something."

"That's more like it," Nowaki said, satisfied with Hiroki's begging. He wasn't going to be too mean and make the man sink into the mattress from complete embarrassment. Without a warning, he pushed in his longest finger and Hiroki arched up with a loud mewl, eyes closed, lips parted, and his cheeks flushed with lust. Nowaki felt his dick twitch in his boxers at the sight and sounds of his lover, and continued to move his finger faster inside of Hiroki before pushing a second one in, much to Hiroki's obvious pleasure.

"Nowaki," Hiroki panted, his body writhing against the now mussed up sheets, his fingers digging into the bed. "Another. I can handle another, please," he begged, not able to care anymore, being driven by the stimulation Nowaki's fingers were creating. The doctor listened to his pleas, and Hiroki arched up once again when he felt a third finger press inside of him.

After a few minutes of Nowaki concentrating on stretching his lover out, his suddenly crooked his fingers in the area where he knew Hiroki's prostate was and he was immediately met with Hiroki fisting the sheets tighter in his hands with a surprised moan. "Oh, God, Nowaki. Now, now, I need you inside me," he exclaimed, looking up at Nowaki through lust-clouded russet eyes.

Nowaki nodded briskly, reaching over towards the nightstand to grab the lube that they kept inside their top drawer, ignoring the condoms that were still in there. He and Hiroki only use those when they're trying to not make a mess. He pulled out his fingers slowly so he could apply the lube onto himself properly, ignoring the whining sound that Hiroki made, knowing that Hiroki would be given something better in just a few moments. He squeezed a bit onto his hand before quickly lathering himself up with it. He leaned over, one hand on his erection to guide it to Hiroki's hole. He paused momentarily when the head of it pressed against Hiroki's entrance, glancing up to make sure Hiroki wasn't giving him any kind of facial expression that expressed he wasn't ready yet.

When he found none, he bit his bottom lip gently and began to slide himself inside of Hiroki, listening to his lover's pained, yet pleasurable sounds. Nowaki let out a shuddered sigh, his hands drifting up to grip Hiroki's small hips in his hands as he continued to push inside every inch of him. It was amazing; no matter how many times they do this, it never gets any less enjoyable. Once he was fully inside, Nowaki's eyelids slid open and he watched as Hiroki's scrunched up expression of slight pain slowly transitioned into one of pure pleasure from having himself filled. "You're so tight, Hiro-san," Nowaki breathed heatedly. "You never get less amazing in this way."

"Shut up," Hiroki grunted quietly, wrapping his arms around Nowaki's neck to drag him closer. "Y-you can move now," he murmured right before Nowaki leaned down completely and pressed their lips together gently. Hiroki hummed softly, cocking his head to the side so he could kiss Nowaki easier once he started to thrust. Hiroki moaned against Nowaki's swollen lips, the top of his head brushing against the headboard each time Nowaki lurched forward.

After a few minutes of Nowaki thrusting slowly, yet hard, into Hiroki, the smaller man tangled his fingers through Nowaki's dark hair and gasped softly, calling out the other's name in an attempt to catch his attention. "Yes, Hiro-san?" Nowaki asked, his voice slightly strained by bliss as he continued to thrust his hips.

"Wanna… I wanna ride you," Hiroki managed to groan out after a few tries, because talking while Nowaki was hitting his prostate with every other thrust was a very difficult task. Nowaki stopped and nodded eagerly, reaching up to take hold of Hiroki's arms and pull him up while he lowered himself back onto the bed, keeping himself buried in Hiroki throughout the process. As soon as Hiroki was settled where he was sitting, he bent down slightly so he could press a loving kiss on Nowaki's lips. He sat back up and rotated his hips a bit before he actually started to ride him.

Hiroki picked his hand up away from Nowaki's chest to pick up the hem of the apron where it had fallen, covering his erection, so he could stroke himself with each of his movements. His thighs were beginning to burn minimally due to the constant work of having to lift himself up and down, but the pleasure of Nowaki's cock dragging so nicely inside of him, he couldn't even think about stopping. Suddenly, Nowaki's hips jerked up, and Hiroki threw his head back with a loud moan when the head of his cock slammed against his prostate harshly.

"Fuck, Nowaki, there there  _there_ ," he cried out, clutching one of Nowaki's muscular arms with his free hands. Nowaki grunted quietly, bucking his hips up to meet each of Hiroki's downward movements, his own eyes half lidded as he watched his cock disappear over and over from that space between his lover's thighs.

"Here?" he asked, pushing up against Hiroki's prostate in emphasis. Hiroki nodded once, his eyes closing fully as tiny sounds of pleasure continued to pour free from his kiss-bruised lips. His body slumped forward slightly as Nowaki took over, gripping Hiroki's hips in his hands, surely leaving some kind of mark there, but Hiroki couldn't care less at the moment. He could feel his lower stomach tightening with each one of Nowaki's frantic thrusts and he knew he wouldn't be able to last much longer.

"Oh, God, Nowaki don't stop," Hiroki pleaded loudly, his eyes clenched shut tightly as his hand moved frantically on his cock with sob-like moans tearing free from his throat. "I'm so close," he whimpered, warning Nowaki quietly.

Nowaki panted quietly, small groans leaving him as he felt Hiroki tighten even further around his cock. His fingers pressed against the skin on Hiroki's hips further, certain he was going to end up bruising the pale skin, but he couldn't find it in himself to loosen up his grip. The way Hiroki was tightening and contracting around him, crying out from ecstasy, calling out  _his_ name, it was all too much. Without even able to choke out a warning, his hips stilled inside of Hiroki as his head tilted back, body trembling as an orgasm wracked through him.

Through the bliss, he could distinctly hear Hiroki's trembling loud moan of his name as he came himself, all over his stomach and the small apron. After a few seconds that felt like perfect minutes, Hiroki slumped against Nowaki's heaving, sweaty chest with his eyes closed. He could feel the soreness on his hips coming on slowly, and a dull throb that pounded against his lower back that he could easily ignore by now; at least once he gets passed the afterglow.

Nowaki hummed lowly, pulling his hips back so he could slip out of Hiroki's trembling frame. He kissed Hiroki's temple, while his fiance shivered at the feeling of his lover's lukewarm cum leaking down his thighs. "Gross," he grumbled under his breath and Nowaki let out a breathless chuckle, knowing exactly what Hiroki was complaining about.

"I'll go get a washcloth to clean up both up with. We can talk afterwards, okay?" Nowaki asked as he gently laid Hiroki back down onto the bed so his head was resting against the pillow before he silently retreated the bedroom. Hiroki hummed quietly, reminding himself to stay awake right now so he and Nowaki could have a proper discussion about what has been plaguing his mind recently.

Whether it was the afterglow that was still pleasantly thrumming through his body, or it was just his knowledge towards the fact that he and Nowaki made it through whatever obstacle was thrown their way, Hiroki was positive they were going to make it through it with an even stronger relationship than they already had.


	16. Alone

**Junjou Romantica**

" **Alone. Yes. That's the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it and Hell is only a poor synonym."**

**Stephen King**

Akihiko isn't particularly sure when he started to have these insecure thoughts that nearly plagued his mind every second of every day, but he is certain that they've been happening for awhile now. He's also positive of the reason for them, and that reason is only one name. Ijuuin-sensei. That damned manga author who can't seem to take a hint from either him nor Misaki. Though, Akihiko is beginning to think that Misaki isn't giving the man anymore reasons to bugger off, and is only encouraging his motives with tiny gestures and thoughtless words. In fact, Akihiko is fearing that Misaki is only leaning towards them eagerly and will be telling the silver haired man goodbye for a final time very soon.

Akihiko has always told Misaki that he'll never let the younger man go, even if he has to tie him up and lock him up somewhere inside of this condo. But, each time he's said it's only a bluff. He'd never do that to his beloved Misaki, and if his lover wants to leave at some point he won't stop him from going, no matter how much he wishes to. What kind of man would he be if he were to really keep Misaki here without the other's consent? There wouldn't be any love coming from the other if he were to do that; and that's assuming that there was any love from him in the first place.

Everything about emotions aside, Ijuuin would be able to provide a much better life for Misaki in the long run anyway. Sure, Akihiko has a lot of money and can give Misaki whatever his heart's desire is, but sometimes money just doesn't cut it for quenching one's desires. Love towards another is one of those than a person cannot buy, no matter how much they wish it is true. Akihiko is certainly one of those people. If Misaki's heart truly lies with Ijuuin, what could Akihiko do to stop him from running to the man? He's done all he can in order to just have Misaki be a bit more willing in their relationship, and that is hard enough even in Misaki does love him. If he doesn't, and he is in love with that man, Akihiko's efforts would be futile.

Not to mention, Ijuuin would make a better partner for Misaki in other ways. Akihiko can't do much of anything in order to survive on his own, and he constantly needs Misaki for everything in his daily life until it comes to things as simple as heating things in the microwave. Sure, it was ideal to have the college student "pay" for his rent through doing household chores for Akihiko, but as the years go on and Misaki gets older, he wouldn't be able to handle all of the work on his own. Akihiko could always hire a maid, but Misaki would always have to be a sort of babysitter to Akihiko. With Ijuuin, Misaki could live a life in comfort with plenty of money, but also never have to worry about lifting a finger if it comes to Ijuuin's demands.

Akihiko sighed heavily as he leaned forward, staring blankly at his glowing laptop screen. Overall, Misaki would be much better off with the manga artist, no matter how much Akihiko wished that wasn't so. At some point, Misaki was going to leave him for a better match even if it wasn't Ijuuin, but Akihiko seriously doubts that he is an ideal person for Misaki to stay with for the rest of his life. That was one of the reasons he gets so jealous easily. Most of it is all just plain fear of Misaki finding his ideal and leaving him for good before Akihiko can even blink. Ijuuin is clearly Misaki's type, and Akihiko can't do a thing if the younger male chooses to walk out on his life and into Ijuuin's.

"Shit," Akihiko swore under his breath once he felt tears sting behind his eyes. He had nothing to be crying about; especially since Misaki wasn't even gone yet. He wiped his violet eyes furiously, gritting his teeth together with a rattled breath. If he was behaving this way now he has no idea what he'll do when Misaki officially leaves him. When he regained composure, he looked back up at his computer to read through the final paragraph of the story that he had been working on for the past month.

It was a different story than his usual ones. It's plot was more depressing, and this one never ends with a happy ending as many of his others have. In fact, it reminds him a lot of the short stories that he used to write as a child for his friend, Hiroki. He clearly remembers Hiroki asking him at one point if Akihiko was putting himself in all of his characters in a way to release multiple types of emotions, even in few of his happy stories. Akihiko has memory of confirming Hiroki's suspecions, and told him how he did it mostly in his angsty stories more often since those characters were much more relatable to him. He can see it in this story as well that he's starting to fall into those same patterns.

The very last paragraph actually includes some of Akihiko's old quotes that he had written in those short stories, and one of them was one of his best ones about the impact of the word "alone". He had always hated that specific word, and still despises it. It's an emotion he hates to feel, but unfortunately he has been feeling it more for the past few months than he has in the last few years. He knows that it's due to Misaki's current distance towards him and his sudden closeness towards Ijuuin. He's guaranteed himself that he'll be alone in just a couple of months.

"...And then Ijuuin-sensei  _praised_ me on my amazing performance of managing the stressful task of getting his manuscript to the editors as fast as I did, especially since I was under so much stress today from the many other things I was doing. It was so nice to hear that he appreciates me like that," Misaki continued to ramble on about his  _beloved_ Ijuuin-sensei. Akihiko doesn't even think that Misaki stopped once talking about his admiration for the man.

Akihiko tightened his jaw as he lifted his chopsticks from his bowl of rice, stomach churning sickeningly as he heard Misaki say his name again. He was starting on another story, and it was one that Akihiko has heard at least three times by now. Had Misaki even paused to ask Akihiko how  _his_ day was? Of course not, he just wanted to continue to talk about the guy he was currently in love with.

"Misaki," Akihiko suddenly interrupted and Misaki stumbled over his words for a moment before raising his eyes up to Akihiko's with curiosity. Akihiko lowered his chopsticks down into the bowl, making sure he never lowered his strong gaze away from Misaki's. Never let it waver.

"You know, I'm not forcing you stay here with me. If you want to leave me to live on your own, or break off our relationship you can if you wish to. If you think that you staying here unhappily is making me any happier, you're believing false thought. I'd rather you be happy somewhere else, with someone else even, than unhappy with me," Akihiko said confidently, not wanting to display how weak he was feeling in this moment. He was so tired of feeling insecure and living in a constant state of uncertainty and anxiety as he waited for Misaki to break up with him. He'd rather get it over with now, that way it's out of the way and he could hurry up and try to move on. He just wanted to hurry up and get through this painful experience that was bound to come regardless.

Tense silence fell across the two, and Misaki blinked multiple times before a nervous laugh erupted from his mouth. What was he waiting for? Skip the sugarcoating and just end everything already, that way it would be over for the both of them. Good for one, and bad for the other. "Could my brother have said something strange again? I've told you before, I'm not planning on moving out just because he thinks it'll be best for me."

Akihiko curled his hands into fists. "No," he said, his voice remaining steady. "You're brother hasn't said a word to me about you moving out except him understanding and respecting your wanting to stay. This is all just me stating that if you've found someone else, or if you never felt anything romantic towards me in the first place and you're only are staying with me out of pity, you can leave without feeling guilty."

Misaki furrowed his trimmed eyebrows together, obviously taken aback from Akihiko's sudden words. 'It must be a relief to him,' Akihiko thought silently to himself, yet kept his outward expression neutral. After a short while of Misaki taking in exactly what Akihiko had just told him, he opened his mouth to stutter out some kind of reply to him. Akihiko was expecting a thank you.

"I don't understand," Misaki said slowly, leaning up in his seat to look closely at Akihiko. "Where is this suddenly coming from, Usagi-san? I-I still need to be here to help you with the housework and-."

Akihiko cut him off suddenly, not wanting to hear Misaki's halfassed excuses for staying with him. "I can hire a maid for that, just as I have done in the past. I can be fully functional without you here, so I don't want that to be your reason for staying with me. I got by just fine for the past years before you came along, and I can do it again."

Misaki looked at a loss of words again, and he continued to stare at Akihiko with an apprehensive expression. "Usagi-san, where the hell is this suddenly coming from?" Misaki asked after another few heartbeats of silence of Misaki wracking his brain for another pathetic excuse for him to not leave Akihiko. "Have I done something to make you upset at me? If I have, I apologize." He paused for a moment, and opened his mouth again to speak, but Akihiko beat him to the punch.

"Try to be a little selfish once and a while, would you?!" Akihiko snapped. Misaki reeled back as if he had actually reached across the table and slapped him. His green eyes were wide, shining in shock and hurt. His hands were trembling against where they were resting on the furnished table, but Akihiko didn't stop his talking.

"I'm giving you a free invitation to leave and you're just not taking it at all without giving me some sort of stupid excuses for you to stay. Do you know how hard it is for me to just sit here and tell you that you can leave me for someone else so you can be happy for the first time in the past four years? It's hurting, a lot, but it hurts a whole lot fucking more to sit here and just watch you fall in love with someone else. Especially after I spent so much time trying to get you to fall in love with me, and he just sweeps in and captures your heart without breaking a sweat!"

Misaki continued to stare wide-eyed at Akihiko, but this time he didn't look all that surprised or hurt anymore, just concerned and sad. Akihiko's breath seemed to rattle as he took in deep breaths to calm himself down, and he hadn't even noticed he started to cry until he felt the warmness trickle down both of his cheeks slowly. This couldn't have turned out worse. First, Misaki didn't just whisk himself out as soon as Akihiko said the word, and now he was crumpling down into a crying fit before the door even slammed shut. This was just the cherry atop a shit cake.

"Usagi-san, I have no idea where you even got the idea that I'm in love with Ijuuin-sensei." Akihiko noticeably tensed up at the name. "But, I harbor no feelings towards him except respect and mere admiration towards his work. Sure, I see him as a kind of friend, and I will continue to love his work, but it doesn't mean that I love him in the aspect you're thinking."

Akihiko perked up slightly when he heard the sound of the chair sliding against the wooden flooring and Misaki's hands were suddenly cradling his face, carefully wiping away the tears that had spilled out of Akihiko's violet eyes. "There has never been, and never will be, another person that I love as much as you. I'm sorry that I don't tell you, and that I try to fight off your affectionate advances towards me even now but I'm just still shy. I've never been in a relationship before, so you're my first for everything and that just kind of nerves me a bit. It always will I'm sure, and I'm still not positive as to when I'll be comfortable with everything you do to me or with me, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm sorry for making you nervous and doubting our relationship, and especially my love for you. Please, don't cry anymore or tell me that I can leave, because I don't want to."

Akihiko lifted his eyes and let out a dry sob of relief before taking Misaki's body into a strong embrace, his face tucked into Misaki's neck. "I love you, Misaki. I'm sorry for saying those things and making you panic. I'm also sorry for you having to comfort me over something that shouldn't even be an issue."

Misaki shook his head and placed a warm hand on the back of Akihiko's head, running his fingers through the soft hair. "Don't apologize. I'm glad that you were able to tell me about your insecurity, and I want you to promise me that if you ever feel insecure like this again to tell me," Misaki murmured into his ear soothingly.

"I promise," Akihiko whispered.


	17. What Eyes Can Do

**Junjou Egoist**

" **I the first day I ever looked into your eyes and felt my entire world flip."**

**Unknown**

When Nowaki was young and was just beginning to understand that his biological parents were never going to come back and take him home, he learned to distance himself from his heart's desires. Many of the children in the orphanage did this so they would never have to deal with the pain of being left behind by a person that would have, or did, mean so much in their life. From the age of nine to eighteen Nowaki had never allowed anybody to get too close to him.

He had built a wall around himself and left himself guarded. Even his best friend in the orphanage was never able to crash her way through the barrier, and eventually had given Nowaki his way by taking herself out of his life. When she had left, Nowaki never once allowed himself to feel grief over it, telling himself that he had forced her away himself and that it was better this way. In the end, it was better that way because she had gotten adopted just a couple months later after their friendship was broken, and Nowaki didn't have to deal with the pain of her no longer being there.

So, when he reached the age of eighteen and was finally able to leave the orphanage legally, he didn't ever think about finding a wife and having kids. No matter how much he adored children, he kept himself busy and away from any potential love interests by keeping up six part time jobs. He would be so exhausted he didn't even have the time to think about a wife and kids, let alone finding a woman to marry.

But, there was one day he was allowed a day off from his construction job and he took one of his co-workers to the park to have a relaxing day at the park together. They had brought a toy rocket with them because one of his co-workers friends was interested in becoming an astronaut, so Nowaki agreed to launch it just for the man's amusement. After they had eaten, and the rocket was launched, Nowaki went off to search for it and in the end he found the one person who made him forget about his strong barrier that was still standing tall around him.

He had bent down to pick up the rocket, at first paying the man no attention until he heard a sniffle. Nowaki had never been a particularly cold person, unless he counted his couple years of bitterness and rage that he took out on himself through cutting and violence on others. So, when he realized the man was crying, he prepared himself to bring him some sort of comfort until he had met the red-rimmed, russet eyes and he felt his walls crumble just a bit. That was the moment his entire world turned in the most wonderful way.

Throughout the next few months, Hiroki had started to unknowingly tear down Nowaki's protective walls bit by bit. With every slight smile, compliment, laugh, friendly conversation and insult, Nowaki felt himself quickly spiralling down a path that he had always told himself he never wanted to go down. He was getting close to a person that could snap his already fragile, damaged heart in half with just a turned head and a door slam.

Nowaki was in a conflict with himself over keeping his contact up with Hiroki, or cutting him from his life as soon as he was accepted into college. He couldn't allow himself to fall any deeper than he already had, but at the same time, it was such an amazing feeling to care and be cared for by another human again. The feeling was so foreign and it made his entire body and heart relax, but at the same time it made his heart flutter with panicked beats and make his brain cloudy with anxiety. He loved it and hated it at the same time. It thrilled him and terrorized him.

So, when he had learned about Hiroki's love for the popular author Usami Akihiko, he should have been relieved. He wanted to be and his brain yelled at him for being anything but that, but his heart overruled the brain's words with whispered promises of something beautiful actually aspiring from this infatuation with Hiroki. Nowaki had settled on the emotion of envy, and made it his goal to make Hiroki notice him more instead of Usami.

When the day came of Usami's surprise visit on Hiroki's doorstep, Nowaki whisked his tutor away, claiming that the man was his. Hiroki had spat insults at him, yelled at him that his friend had totally gotten the idea about them, Nowaki had voiced out the feeling he had for Hiroki. At first, he had horrified himself from telling Hiroki that he loved him because he wasn't even really sure if he truly loved him quite yet, but when Hiroki turned around with wide eyes and flushed cheeks, Nowaki knew he had completely fallen in love with him.

Once they had made their romantic relationship official, Nowaki silently created himself a new goal that he will work on until the day he dies. He swore to himself that he would always keep Hiroki at his side and make him happier than anyone else has ever managed to. Hiroki was the reason his barrier crumbled down to nothing but dust around him, and Nowaki would make sure that Hiroki would always know that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I don't really know where I was exactly going with this. I'm sorry if this made anyone a bit confused, but I saw this quote and thought about when Nowaki had first met Hiroki. I'm sure he felt his world flip.


	18. You Didn't Get It

**Junjou Terrorist**

" **I didn't stop loving you. I decided to stop showing it because no matter how hard I tried, you wouldn't get it."**

**Unknown**

"This is why I've been telling you it's impossible."

Miyagi's words jabbed into Shinobu's stomach like a knife, and his eyes screwed shut tighter than they already were. He clenched his fists, dropping his legs away from where he had wrapped them around Miyagi's waist as he turned away from the figure hovering above his trembling body. Why did it have to come to this? Why couldn't Miyagi just understand that his feelings for him were genuine and he wasn't just spouting out stupid, cheesy lines about destiny? What more could it possibly take?

"Like hell you've done this before," Miyagi said, his voice much too calm for the situation. Shinobu choked back on a sob of humiliation and hurt as he completely rolled over onto his side, holding his clenched hands close to his chest. Why couldn't he just shut up and get on with it? If this was the only way Shinobu's words were going to get through to the older man, he would offer his body completely to him willingly.

"Shut up. Get on with it and…" Shinobu trailed off when he felt a sheet fall over his quivering form, and Miyagi's weight suddenly lift off of him.

"That's enough. No more shenanigans."

Shinobu's tearful eyes snapped open and he raised himself up from his curled position on the mattress, gasping out his love's name. He leaned forward, gripping onto the man's open, button up shirt and buried his face into Miyagi's bare chest. Why didn't he get it? What more could he possibly do to get Miyagi to realize his feelings were real, and that he wasn't just some stupid brat that was talking nonsense?

He swallowed thickly, trying to mute these embarrassing sounds that were escaping him as his body still shook. His hands slowly lowered from Miyagi's shirt, as thoughts continued to whirl around inside of his clouded head. 'He is never going to get it,' Shinobu concluded in his head silently. No matter how many times he reaches out, puts himself out there and makes his feelings known, Miyagi will never see his true feelings. He'll always just see him as a pathetic brat who has no idea what he's talking about.

"Don't humiliate me," he gritted out after a few moments of tense silence. He meant this in so many ways that Miyagi was probably not even aware of, but the most obvious way stuck out to Shinobu. He was sick of being humiliated by Miyagi just brushing off his love confessions by saying Shinobu was just going through a phase and would get over it in a few weeks or months. If it was just a phase, why would he still be drowning in it after three years of separation?

"This isn't about humiliation or anything like that," Miyagi replied. Shinobu fought back the bitter chuckle that was crawling up his throat. Of course the man didn't understand what he was saying. He never did, so why would he understand now of all times when Shinobu was deciding to give up?

"Think about what it is you're trying to do."

Shinobu grit his teeth at Miyagi's words and felt the urge to hit him for the upteenth time in the past few weeks. He knew exactly what he wanted to do, it was Miyagi who had no clear idea on what he was attempting on doing. "Of course I know," he whispered, thinking about voicing his intentions, but decided against it by clamping his mouth shut. Even if he tried to explain it again Miyagi wouldn't understand. It was best to just give it all up now before he got hurt even more.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before he shakily pushed himself to the edge of the bed and walked over to the open bedroom door. Distinctly, he could hear Miyagi lighting a cigarette from behind him on the bed, and Shinobu reached up to place his hand on the door as if to steady himself. "I'm sorry," he muttered before walking on out of the room and eventually out of the apartment.

He was apologizing for a lot of things, and Miyagi would most likely not be able to read through them all, but Shinobu didn't stick around to hear his response. He was apologizing for Miyagi's wasted time on him that he would never be able to get back. He was apologizing for being such a bother, even though he tried his best to stay out of the way and just make his feelings known to the literature professor. He was also apologizing for Miyagi never being able to understand how much he truly loved him.

**-Page Break-**

Shinobu quickly rummaged through the closet it Miyagi's hallway, trying to find the bag that he had accidentally left behind in his hurry to leave a couple nights ago. Just last night he had made the decision to go back to Australia to continue his school there and try to forget about Miyagi that way. He made the plan to never come back to Japan unless it was to see his family, and leave Miyagi alone for the rest of his life. It would be better for the both of them in the long run, and Shinobu could only hope that he would be able to get over his long time love interest after a few more years in Australia.

Just as he grabbed the bag, he heard the front door to the spacey apartment open and his entire body froze. He heard Miyagi's quiet noise of shock, and Shinobu tightened his grip on the bag straps he was holding onto as he turned his head to face the black haired man. All he had to do was explain why he was here and just leave. Keep it simple and no one would wind up getting upset.

"Uh, I'd forgotten my notes. I didn't think you would be getting home this early, so… that is, pardon the intrusion," he stammered out as calmly as he could manage without having his voice shake. He could only hope that Miyagi would let him by without any trouble, because he really isn't sure if he can handle any further company from the man right now. He's not sure if he could ever be able to handle it again actually.

"Hey," Miyagi said suddenly, and Shinobu stopped walking, his eyes wide. Why did he stop walking? Just keep going. Hurry. That way he can't hurt anything anymore and they can just continue their lives as normal. "Um, a student gave me cherry blossom tea. So… want some?"

Shinobu stayed silent for a moment before politely agreeing while his brain screamed at him to just get up and get out. It wasn't worth the effort anymore, he knew that. He just wanted to forget Miyagi for good and try to start over with his life. Maybe find a wife, or a boyfriend in Australia and train himself to never regret everything that could've been with Miyagi.

"So, are you attending school properly?" Miyagi asked a bit awkwardly as he poured the tea in both of the cups that were set in front of them on the coffee table.

Shinobu decided to keep out of the conversation that he was going to be going back to Australia in just a couple days. "It's normal," he decided on replying with, that way Miyagi wouldn't ask too many more questions about it. He just needed to drink the tea and bid a final goodbye, and be done with it.

"I see. That reminds me, um, when we were talking about destiny and stuff the other day, you mentioned something about the library. What was that about?"

Shinobu kept his face neutral, trying to not show any kind of reaction towards Miyagi's question. Why did he suddenly want to know? What did it have to do with anything now after Miyagi had made it perfectly clear that he did not harbor, or understand, the feelings that Shinobu had towards him? Then again… it doesn't really matter now. He could explain it and then be on his way. Either way, Miyagi would never love Shinobu, so he had nothing to lose.

"You used to go to the Central Library a lot, right?" Shinobu asked, clutching the tea cup in his hands tightly.

"I'm surprised you knew that," Miyagi said quietly.

"You don't remember me?" Shinobu questioned, forcing down the feeling of hurt that was swirling uncomfortably down in his stomach. 'It doesn't matter anymore,' he reminded himself. 'In all actuality, it never really did considering Miyagi never felt the same way, and never will.'

He carefully started to explain how he would always notice Miyagi reading a lot of old books there, and how he would wonder what was up with him. But then, there was the day Miyagi had saved him from those two guys who were threatening him for the money he didn't have, and how he had believed it was destiny when Miyagi swooped in.

"Sorry. About all that I remember is during the candlelight ceremony at my wedding, you were glaring at me with a terrible look on your face," Miyagi admitted, somewhat sheepishly.

Shinobu's eyes widened and he stood up from the couch suddenly, his usual unsettledness coming back in a crashing wave. He hates it when he gets like this while trying to explain his infatuation with Miyagi. He shouldn't be like this anymore, it's pointless.

"That is…! I mean, you never imagine that someone like that is going to end up being your big sister's husband. So I thought my destiny was cursed. I was trying so hard to give up on you, and the next thing I knew, you'd gotten divorced. So…" he slowly started to trail off once more, hating the fact he was trying to explain himself now even after he told himself that he had to give up.

"Destiny, huh?" Miyagi muttered uncomfortably over where he was still sitting on the couch.

"I  _thought_ it was destiny," Shinobu said, looking anywhere but at Miyagi. He wanted to make it clear to Miyagi that he was done trying, and he didn't have to worry about him coming around and bothering him anymore. "I'm leaving," he said, leaving out that they were never going to see each other again. At least, he hoped not.

He started to walk over to the front door, holding the bag so tightly in his hand that his knuckles were turning pasty white. He listened to Miyagi call him, but he wasn't going to stop again just so he could get worked up over trying to get Miyagi to see that he really loves him. He was done. "I'm sorry. It doesn't matter anymore."

"What doesn't matter anymore?" Miyagi nearly shouted after him as Shinobu opened the door. Shinobu refused to hear the panic in Miyagi's voice, telling himself it was just his imagination and to get out of there as fast as possible.

"All of it, of course!" Shinobu exclaimed, mentally yelling at Miyagi to just shut up. He was leaving and giving up, wasn't that what the man had wanted? What the hell did he want from him? "Thanks for the tea."

"What do you mean, all of it?" Miyagi asked from behind him. Shinobu quickened his pace through the entryway and felt his jaw tighten and the area around his eyes tense. Why did he suddenly care? Why wasn't he just sitting on the couch, lighting up a cigarette like he had done just a couple of nights ago when he didn't care.

"All of it means all of it!"

"Shinobu, you see, I…" Miyagi suddenly shot out his arm and gripped Shinobu's wrist tightly in his hold, effectively stopping the younger teen in mid step, turning around to look at him through wide eyes. What? What was he about to say just now? Judging from the look of it, with Miyagi's own horrified expression, he wasn't even sure. He gradually released Shinobu's wrist, and Shinobu backed away, his wrist feeling as if he had been burned.

He kept his eyes trained on Miyagi for a few seconds as his body slowly turned towards the door, but eventually decided Miyagi was finally done talking. Whatever Miyagi was about to say was because of the heat of the moment, and Shinobu really didn't want some sort of fake love confession. Especially from  _him._  He wasn't going to play fake relationship with Miyagi, so it was best to get out of here as fast as possible, no matter how fast his heart was beating in his chest.

"Thank you for having me," he muttered out politely before the door slammed shut behind him. He may not be pushing Shinobu away, but Miyagi isn't fighting for him either.


	19. My Breath

**Junjou Romantica**

" **He kissed her. Without warning, without permission. Without even deciding to do it, but simply because he couldn't have done anything else. He needed the breath she was holding. It belonged to him, and he wanted it back."**

**Unknown**

Akihiko watched silently as Misaki hunched over on the sidewalk, gasping breaths escaping him as he started to cry. He furrowed his eyebrows together slightly, stuffing his hands in his coat's pockets, not quite able to understand why this kid was suddenly crying. His brother was engaged, so wouldn't that be a happy occasion for him? He was already confused due to Misaki's sudden outburst when Takahiro had announced the engagement and had dragged Akihiko away from the awful setting.

"Sorry," Misaki had choked out, catching Akihiko's full attention, and out of his whirlwind of thoughts.

"Why are you apologizing?" Akihiko asked in a much more calm way than he felt at the moment. He was confused, hurt, heartbroken, yet he still managed to keep his composure. It had been something he had learned as a young child when he was old enough to realize how bad his home life was, even if his family had lots of money.

"Because! That was awful! After you loved him all this time… after all the care you've shown him. For him to say that he wanted you to be the first to meet her… it's so incredibly insensitive," Misaki began to choke out through his sobs, wiping his eyes furiously as if he wanted to stop the tears, but made no other attempt to do so. "For the first time in my life, I wanted to hit my brother!"

Akihiko watched and listened to the younger male closely, his brain slowly picking up on the things Misaki was saying. He was crying  _for_ Akihiko. He wanted to hit Takahiro for the man that Misaki seemed to dislike majorly. He couldn't help the tiny smile and laugh that puffed up the cold air in front of him. He would never be able to understand Misaki, but he couldn't help but feel grateful for Misaki's sign of obvious care for him.

"The way you cry is appalling," Akihiko said after a moment of silence, aside from Misaki's quiet sniffling. He wanted to hear Misaki say that he was crying because of him, because of his pain, and his desire was granted when Misaki exclaimed angrily that he was crying for him.

He suddenly turned away from the pole he was facing, and glared at him. The angry look was much less threatening with tears still falling down Misaki's red cheeks at a quick rate. 'The idiot must be freezing,' Akihiko noted to himself. 'He didn't even think to bring a coat he was so upset about what happened.'

"Once you start crying, you can't stop, even if you want to!" He yelled, and it looked like he was going to rant further, but his face twisted into one of great despair as he started to cry even harder. Akihiko sighed quietly and took a step forward, reaching out to place a cold hand on Misaki's head, ruffling his brown hair a tad.

"You're right," Akihiko agreed, watching as Misaki's eyes clenched shut again. Suddenly, despite just being told that Takahiro was engaged and would never return his affection, Akihiko felt a new kind of need stir up inside of him. There was this kid right in front of him, crying for him even though it shouldn't have been any of his concern. But, he had made it his concern the minute he slammed his fist against the wall in a fit of rage.

Akihiko had never thought he would see such a kinder heart than Takahiro's, but he could never imagine Takahiro crumpling into a puddle of tears for somebody that he had just recently met. Misaki sucked in a large breath as soon as Akihiko felt as if he had lost his with a sudden realization. His heart had whispered, 'that's the one', in a hushed breath.

Akihiko trailed his hand down towards Misaki's hand and gripped it gently in his hold, leaning forward. He wanted the breath that Misaki was holding; it belonged to him, after all. Misaki had taken his breath away without even trying to, and when he suddenly pressed his lips against Misaki's, he could feel it rush back into his lungs. He could feel Misaki's fingers twitching against the fabric of his coat, unsure of what to do with his hand before he dropped it back down to his side.

Akihiko pulled away after a few long moments, a small smile gracing across his lips. Out of the shock, Misaki had suddenly stopped crying, and was just staring up at him with shocked, green eyes, "You've stopped," he murmured out, and Misaki's cheeks flamed up even more, but he never started to yell at him, even if Akihiko had kissed him without permission.

Suddenly, Akihiko felt his smile drop and the sadness he felt towards Takahiro's recent engagement all came flooding back. Even if he suddenly felt a new affection towards Misaki, and he wanted to kiss him gently again, he still couldn't quite move on from Takahiro completely yet. "I'm sorry," he whispered, leaning down to press his face against Misaki's shoulder, pulling his shivering body closer.

He wasn't quite sure what he was apologizing for. It could have been for suddenly kissing him, for starting to fall in love with him, for not being quite over Takahiro yet, or for the fact that he was now the one about to cry in Misaki's presence. "Just for a little while."

He felt Misaki's arms wrap around him, pulling him closer as snow started to fall above them. "U-usagi-san," Misaki started shakily. "If you want to cry, go ahead and cry."

"Moron," Akihiko said quietly, though he couldn't help the first tear that grazed along his cheek and drop onto Misaki's shirt. "A brat has no business spouting precocious lines like that. I'll have you know, I haven't cried in front of strangers since the day I was born. You're the only one. I'll be damned… if I let anyone but you see me in this wretched state."

He could feel Misaki place his hand gently on the back of his head, only pressing him closer as Akihiko allowed himself to finally let go completely and cry. He gripped the back of Misaki's shirt, closing his eyes as sniffles started to echo around them in the silence. 'This is it,' he told himself silently. 'This is the very last time I cry over Takahiro, and if I cry over anyone ever again, it'll be Misaki. No one else.'


	20. Like The Sun

**Junjou Egoist**

" **He looked at her as if he was seeing the sun for the first time."**

**Unknown**

Hiroki groaned unhappily, the noise muffled by the pillow that he had shoved his face into the night prior, when he was jostled slightly and when he felt Nowaki's weight press against his back. If Nowaki was asleep and he had decided to roll over to use Hiroki as a body pillow again, it was most definitely  _not_ appreciated. Hiroki tried to shove him off as gently as possible with an elbow to the ribs, but Nowaki made no movement and only released a quick breath when Hiroki made contact with him, a bit rougher than intended.

"Glad to know that you're finally awake, Hiro-san," Nowaki purred quietly against the shell of Hiroki's ear, biting the lobe gently. A pleasant shiver trailed up and down Hiroki's spine, his ears happening to be a very sensitive part of his body, and Nowaki often took advantage of that little fact. "I've missed you so much this past week, and I want to get started on catching up with time lost as soon as possible."

Hiroki felt his cheeks flame, especially when he felt a certain hard part of Nowaki press against his lower back. "Why the hell are you so pent up?" Hiroki grumbled, trying to ignore his own arousal that was starting to swirl up in his lower belly warming his skin. But, the way Nowaki was subtly shifting his hips against him, it was all slightly difficult. "We've done some stuff this past week, so it's not like you should be going insane from sexual tension."

"Yes, Hiro-san, but we haven't really been able to make love," Nowaki murmured sensually against Hiroki's cheek, his warm breath tickling the soft skin there. "If I'm not able to join with Hiro-san completely for a while, I start to get a bit agitated. Don't you feel the same?"

"I-idiot, don't say such embarrassing things!" Hiroki exclaimed, trying to sound more angry than abashed. "And of course I don't! Unlike you I can keep my sexual urges under control," he argued, his face still hiding in the pillow in order to hide his red face. Despite his denial, he could feel his body getting more and more warm to the point he was already half hard. Nowaki's low voice and gentle kisses along the back of his neck were not helping his situation either.

"Really, Hiro-san?" Nowaki asked teasingly, his right arm snaking over to Hiroki's hip so his lower body lifted up instinctively. "Because, it seems to me as if you know exactly where I'm coming from," he whispered as his long fingers ghosted across Hiroki's crotch. Hiroki gasped at the contact and felt his body tense, expecting Nowaki to continue touching him there, but much to his disappointment the hand left. "Or am I wrong?"

Hiroki growled lowly in his throat, finding Nowaki's teasing infuriating, but he couldn't help but feel majorly turned on by it at the same time. "Y-you're not wrong," he mumbled into the pillow and scooted his body down along the mattress slightly before raising his lower body again, pushing his ass against Nowaki's clothed erection. "So… hurry up and do something."

Nowaki chuckled quietly, sticking out his tongue to run it along the shell of Hiroki's ear, making the other flinch and gasp quietly into the pillow. "As you wish, Hiro-san," he breathed against the back of his neck as he ground his hips down to meet Hiroki's own upward movements, causing each of their breaths to hitch. After a few slow minutes of just grinding against each other and heating each other up, Nowaki raised himself up so his knees were on both sides of Hiroki's calves. Hiroki attempted to flip over, thinking that Nowaki was wanting him on his back, but a firm hand on between his shoulder blades made him pause. "Stay there," Nowaki murmured lowly.

Hiroki nodded and let his eyes drift shut when he felt Nowaki's lips press against the area his hand had just been. They had both gone to sleep in just sweatpants last night, so luckily not much clothing was blocking them from each other this morning. Nowaki continued to kiss down his back, his hands working on lowering Hiroki's sweatpants down his legs. Hiroki helped him out by lifting his hips, and was quickly rewarded by a quick kiss on the shoulder. Hiroki allowed himself to smile behind the pillow, feeling his heart flutter from Nowaki's tenderness.

"I love you, Hiro-san," Nowaki said under his breath, causing Hiroki's heart to pound against his ribcage once again. No matter how many times his lover uttered those words, they would still sound brand new to the literature professor and always make his heart warm as if he was hearing them for the first time.

"I… love you too," Hiroki whispered in return, bringing his face away from his pillow just long enough to say those words, and to make sure that Nowaki was able to hear them. For Hiroki to reply with those words was still a rare occurrence, but slowly he's been growing bolder in voicing them. However, Nowaki still appreciates how rare it is to hear them sometimes since to him it just makes it more special.

"I know," Nowaki whispered before pulling down Hiroki's boxers, leaving soft kisses along the areas that were slowly revealed as he peeled the fabric away. Hiroki breath rattled out of him with anticipation, his grip on his pillow tightening as Nowaki's warm hands pulled his cheeks apart, pressing a dry finger against his entrance gently.

Hiroki gave a low whine, his back arching itself closer to the bed when he felt the finger daring to push itself through the first ring of muscle. "Nowaki," he gasped, lust-clouded eyes snapping open wide when he suddenly felt something warm and  _wet_ pressing against his rim. Was he-? When Nowaki's tongue pushed inside slightly and strong hands gripped Hiroki's hips, that answered his unfinished question.

His face tipped away from the pillow, eyes rolling to the back of his head when Nowaki's skilled tongue pressed even deeper inside of him. Loud sounds poured out of his mouth that he would be embarrassed about if his mind wasn't so hazy with pleasure. "Oh, Nowaki, mmm," Hiroki hissed through clenched teeth, pressing himself as close as physically possible to Nowaki's tongue. Hiroki has no idea how many times he has lied to Nowaki about not really liking rim jobs, and how many times Nowaki knew he was bluffing and proved it each time he went down on Hiroki in this way.

By the time Nowaki had his tongue as well as two fingers inside of Hiroki, pushing against his prostate, the annoying sound of a blaring phone suddenly cut throughout the bedroom. Nowaki paused his ministrations for a split second out of shock from hearing the abrupt sound, and Hiroki whined -not out of pleasure- when he realized whose ringtone it was.

"Nowaki," he grumbled reluctantly, his body slumping back against the bed, one hand reaching out to the nightstand. He heard Nowaki's confused and faintly hurt quiet call of his name when he spotted Hiroki grabbing his phone. "It's my mother, Nowaki. I've got to answer it because it could be an emergency."

Nowaki nodded in understanding, pulling his fingers out of Hiroki as soon as his boyfriend pressed the call button. Hiroki cried out softly into the phone when he felt the pleasurable sting from the movement, and felt his face flush when he heard his mother's confused, awkward silence from the other line. "S-sorry," he stammered out, casting Nowaki a quick glare. "I, um, just hit my hip against the corner of the TV stand in the living room." Was his voice too breathy?

"Oh," was his mother's only meek response, obviously buying his excuse. "Well, I'm glad that you're awake. I have come down for a quick visit today, and I don't know what you're apartment number is. I'm already outside of the apartment complex."

"You're what?!" Hiroki exclaimed, shooting up from where he was relaxing against the bed. All arousal was drained from his body in an instant, and all that was left was the chilled feeling of panic. "What the hell are you thinking? How do you even know where my apartment complex is? I don't recall ever telling you!"

His mother gave a disappointed sigh from the other end of the call. "It was on the address of the note you sent me a couple weeks ago. When you told me you had someone you treasure and you weren't going to accept the matchmaking photos. I'd like to meet this little lady who has stolen my Hiroki's heart."

Hiroki groaned, nearly regretting ever sending his mother the response towards the matchmaking photos that she had sent. But, there was no way around not eventually sending her a reply like that since Nowaki had already seen them, got the wrong idea, and his mother would have ended up just sending more. "It's room 257. Eighth floor. I'll see you in a bit," Hiroki muttered into the phone before hanging up.

"What's going on?" Nowaki asked with furrowed eyebrows.

"You've been wanting to meet my parents, right? Well, today you're going to, but only my mom and we're not coming out to her yet. Just get dressed and try to make it look like you didn't just have your tongue up my ass," Hiroki hissed as he quickly pulled on a random shirt and a pair of jeans.

"Huh? But… Hiro-san, the apartment is a disaster right now! And I haven't showered yet! She can't meet me like this," Nowaki rambled out quickly, standing to pull on fresh clothes instead of his ratty sweatpants.

"You're meeting her as my roommate, not my boyfriend. She understands that we both work too, so she shouldn't comment too much on the mess. Just relax," Hiroki said as soon as he heard his mother's familiar knock on the front door. Hiroki turned to leave the bedroom, but paused to glance at Nowaki over his shoulder before he left. "She'll love you anyway, okay?"

He didn't stay to hear Nowaki's response before he went towards the door, took a deep breath, and answered it with his usual frown. "What happened to telling somebody that you're coming to visit?" Hiroki asked grumpily before his mother showed herself in.

"I wanted to surprise you. Now, where's that girlfriend of yours?" she asked with her hands propped up on her hips. Hiroki had been half expecting Nowaki to pop in and casually say that he was technically the girlfriend, but it never happened. His shoulders slumped in relief.

"She doesn't live here," Hiroki said, partially lying. It was true that a girl didn't live here, but there was no girlfriend to begin with. "I do have a roommate though, and I think he might be in the bathroom right now brushing his teeth," Hiroki informed. The exact reason why his roommate was currently doing this did not need to be shared.

His mother opened her mouth to respond, but Nowaki's voice had beat her to the punch. He walked through the room, looking as calm as ever, but Hiroki could tell he was actually shaking with nerves on the inside. This was the first time meeting his mother, and even if it wasn't as his boyfriend, he still wanted to make a good first impression. "Nice to meet you, Kamijou-san," Nowaki greeted politely with a bow and small smile. "I'm Kusama Nowaki."

His mother quickly returned the bow and smiled warmly at Nowaki, clearly already liking the young pediatrician. "I'm Kamijou Fukiyo," she greeted once she straightened herself back up. "Your last name sounds quite familiar. Do your parents happen to be family friends of some sort?"

"Oh," Nowaki said easily while Hiroki winced slightly at his mother's comment about Nowaki's parents. He probably should have informed his mother that Nowaki was an orphan first. "It's probably because you've heard of the Kusama Orphanage. I was dropped off there when I was a baby, so I'm not sure who my parents actually are."

Fukiyo's green eyes widened and she quickly began to start an apology for mentioning it. Nowaki only laughed quietly, brushing off her sincere and sheepish apologies. "It's alright, Kamijou-san. I'm used to it now, so it doesn't bother me anymore when people ask me. Would you like some tea?"

"Oh, yes please. Thank you for your kindness," Fukiyo said before leading herself out over into the living room and sitting down on the smallest of his and Nowaki's couches.

The rest of the day breezed by quickly without any more hiccups after that, and Hiroki's mother had obviously quickly taken a liking to Nowaki, especially when he had said he was a pediatrician. Fukiyo had always admired doctor's who helped children, and Hiroki felt a bit of pride hearing that somebody else was glad to hear that Nowaki was such a gentle, caring soul.

When Fukiyo excused herself from the apartment, ready to go home, Hiroki had politely walked her to the door. When she had her things organized and was halfway out the door, she suddenly turned around and faced Hiroki with a gentle smile. "Good luck with him, Hiroki. He's most definitely a keeper, and make sure you come by some time with him so your father and I can meet him as your lover."

Hiroki felt his face heat up all the way to the tips of his ears. He had no idea he had been so obvious. "H-how did you figure it out?" he asked after a few failed attempts at successfully talking.

"He looked at you as if he was seeing the sun for the first time, and you smiled because you saw it each time you met his gaze. How could I not have noticed?" she asked with a smile before turning around and started making her way to the elevator. "Mother knows everything after all, right?" she asked playfully as the doors slid open, and Hiroki realized how lucky he was to have such an understanding mother.


	21. I Can't Give You Everything

**Junjou Egoist**

There have only been very few times when Hiroki has wished that his and Nowaki's situation was different. By "their situation" he means the fact that they are both men. Hiroki has never once in his life truly wished he was born a woman, and he wasn't planning on going through one of those weird procedures that make you the opposite gender. But there were times when he wished that his body was capable of doing more than it's able to. One of these things would be used to give Nowaki something that it's clear he wants: a child.

Since Nowaki had grown up in the orphanage until he was old enough to live on his own, he's never been able to experience a real family. He's told Hiroki before that he was all the family he needs, but Hiroki has seen those longing glances that Nowaki casts to a happy family walking down the street, or to the sick children he works with almost every single day. Sometimes Hiroki wonders if Nowaki only decided to become a pediatrician when he realized he wouldn't ever have a child of his own unless he leaves Hiroki to look for a wife.

Hiroki hopes and prays that Nowaki will never make the decision to leave him, because if he does Hiroki is positive he'll fall apart. But, if he does and Hiroki can't convince him to stay, what else could he possibly do? He would have already lost to any woman that Nowaki could choose over him because they can give Nowaki what he truly longs for.

Come to think of it, Hiroki has a fuzzy memory of Nowaki mumbling something about how their relationship can sometimes be more difficult than one between and male and female, for more reasons than those obvious. In their case, they've done everything they can do in order to take distinct "next steps". If they were a man and woman, they could've gotten married and have a kid or two by now, but they're unable to do either of those things. It pains Hiroki knowing that he really can't do much else in order to show Nowaki his dedication towards their relationship, and how he wants to spend forever with him. Or, at least, until they're forced to part by the cold hands of death.

If Hiroki had been a woman, he would have given Nowaki a child by now despite the fact he had never wanted one himself. But he  _can't._ Hiroki isn't so sure as to why Nowaki even decided to stay with Hiroki for so many years if he wants a real family. Of course, the answer would be because Nowaki is hopelessly, overwhelmingly in love with him, but how long can that stay the only reason?

Hiroki hates it when he has doubts such as these, mainly because they constantly plague his mind, even if they don't make themselves completely noticeable. They're still there, always making Hiroki insecure when he sees Nowaki just spare a single glance towards a woman passing them in a grocery store or in any other establishment. They make themselves known especially in predicaments he's caught himself in tonight, with his back pressed against a hospital wall right outside of the room Nowaki was currently in and his forgotten overnight bag clutched close to him as some sort of defensive shield.

He didn't know exactly why he was hiding; it wasn't like he walked in on something he shouldn't have seen. It was just that the air around them was too warm and happy, and Nowaki and that nurse were too close to his liking as they played with the children around them. ' _God_ ,' Hiroki thought to himself, bowing his head down as he squeezed his eyes shut. 'It was like looking at a big family with two wonderful parents just loving and playing with their kids.' He swallowed thickly, fingers curling around the bag straps until his hands throbbed and his nails were biting into his skin. 'Something Nowaki and I will never ever be.'

He heard Nowaki laugh from inside of the room, and Hiroki's eyes snapped open. He had never heard Nowaki laugh like that in front of him, but he did in front of that nurse and those injured/sick kids. Who was he kidding? Like he would be able to make Nowaki happy his entire life with no kids, especially with his shitty personality. Nowaki was a family man. Someone that a woman would die to have a family with because he's just so fucking  _perfect._ Any woman and child would be lucky to call him theirs. Hiroki, himself, was more than lucky to be able to call him his for seven years, but it looks as if his luck is starting to run out.

He hadn't even realized he had been walking until he was standing near the front desk in the paediatric ward. A receptionist was smiling politely at him, yet her kind eyes shone in subtle concern. Hiroki knew he must look awful, but he didn't want her pity, or anyone else's for that matter. He stepped forward, putting the bag on the desk and scooted it towards her. "Could you give this to Kusama Nowaki next time he comes by? I went to give it to him but he was… busy," Hiroki mumbled.

"Oh, of course," the nurse chirped and she took the bag from Hiroki's trembling hands to set it beside her chair on the floor. "I'll page him down here as soon as I can, so don't worry about him being without this tonight."

"Thanks," Hiroki grumbled, turning on his heel to walk away before the bubbly nurse could say anything more. He was relieved now that Nowaki had the overnight shift and he wouldn't be seeing him until noon tomorrow. He wasn't sure if he would have the heart to face him at the moment after seeing that display. He's not sure if he'll ever have the heart to look him in the eyes ever again.

**-Page Break-**

By the time noon the next day rolled around, Hiroki was a shaking ball of nerves. He really wasn't sure how he was going to be able to start up the conversation. He had no clue how he was even going to manage bringing up the topic at all without dropping down to his knees, begging Nowaki to stay with him even though he can't bless his life with children.

"Hiro-san! I'm home!" Nowaki suddenly called out, jerking Hiroki out of his thoughts and startling him enough for him to drop the book he was failing at reading to the floor. He bent down to pick up the book up hurriedly, fumbling out his own usual greeting.

"Are you alright, Hiro-san? I heard something fall," Nowaki said worriedly from the living room entryway, his voice almost slurring from exhaustion. Hiroki's face flushed and he turned to face his tired boyfriend, feeling a bit ashamed that he was even thinking about bringing everything up when Nowaki had just worked a fifteen hour shift.

"Yeah, it was just a book. Get to bed and stop asking stupid questions," Hiroki demanded and slid the book over onto the coffee table in front of him, turning on the television instead. It wasn't like he was able to concentrate on the book anyway, so he might as well just zone out while staring at the TV screen.

"Hiro-san, are you sure you're okay? You seem a bit… off," Nowaki commented, his eyes narrowing at Hiroki slightly in an attempt to see him clearer. Hiroki had been acting a bit strange the past few days, but Nowaki had never asked about it since he figured it was just because he was over thinking about work like he normally does. But, today he seemed particularly restless.

Hiroki fell silent, not able to fish out the words to yell at Nowaki with as he curled his fingers into the long sleeve hems of his hoodie. His eyes lowered down to his feet, not wanting to talk about this now, or ever, but it looked as if it wasn't going his way today. Nowaki was stubborn and he wasn't just going to take a "I'm fine" as an answer. He never does. "I'm just… thinking about something. Have been for a while I guess."

"Let's talk then. If it isn't going away then it's because you need to discuss it. Does it involve me?" Nowaki asked as calm as ever, lowering himself to sit next to Hiroki on the couch. The other man refused to look at the doctor, not sure if he would be able to speak about this if he were to meet those deep, blue eyes that he can get lost inside in an instant.

"Yeah, it involves you. It's because of you that I'm thinking like this," Hiroki admitted, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. He heard Nowaki's confused sound, almost as if he was catching his breath in his throat, but otherwise remained silent, patiently waiting for Hiroki to continue.

"You know that I can't give you everything you want. Things that I should be able to give you, but I'm physically unable. You… probably don't think about it too much, but you're not the one who would typically have this kind of problem laid on your shoulders," Hiroki whispered, his voice sounding more drained than anything else.

"Hiro-san, I don't understand what you're talking about," Nowaki murmured and placed a warm, gentle hand on his shoulder. A hand that he could've already held his first child with. "You've given me everything that I want. There isn't anything else I can ask you for."

"So I can give you a child?" Hiroki burst out, his head turning around sharply to face Nowaki properly. However, seeing Nowaki's puzzled expression and apprehensive eyes didn't waver his resolve. "I know how much you want a child, Nowaki. You've told me before and even when we don't talk about it, I can see it when you look at a real family! You need to find someone else who-."

"So we're not a real family?" Nowaki asked sharply, and Hiroki had never heard his lover use that kind of tone. It sounded angry, betrayed, and almost disconnected. "What are we then? Just two guys who sleep together for pleasure?"

"That's not what I meant," Hiroki urged, his eyes wide with a panicked shine. "I meant that I can't give you a child, which is something that is included in the definition of a family. I can't give birth, Nowaki, and I'm just scared that one day you're going to get frustrated by that fact and leave me for someone who  _can_."

Nowaki sighed and pressed his forehead to the top of Hiroki's head, stunning the brunette. "I know you can't give birth, Hiro-san, but that will never make me want to leave you. It's true that I'd like a child, but I would never have one with anyone but you. What we have now is plenty enough for me, even if you don't believe it is."

Hiroki pulled his head away, looking up at Nowaki's face, his own mouth opened to argue, but Nowaki silenced him with a chaste kiss. When he pulled away, Nowaki had a smile etched onto his lips that almost looked sad. "Let me tell you something, Hiro-san. To be honest, I never thought about romance until I met you that one day in the park. To me, it was a pointless thing that would just result into someone getting hurt and I didn't need to get hurt anymore than I already had by my unknown parents, kids at the orphanage, and those who cared for us there. I stayed far away from relationships, and any kind of physical connection with another person. So, that means I never thought about children until I had been dating you for a while. So please, don't feel inferior to any other woman or man that I want absolutely nothing to do with besides a possible friendship."

Hiroki sniffled quietly and couldn't help but let a relieved smile cross over his lips. "So, in other words, I'm your cheesy definition of an only exception?" Hiroki asked with mild humor wanting to edge away this feeling of tension that had been settled between them.

Nowaki let out a laugh, one much better than the one he had heard him make with that nurse, and pulled Hiroki close, placing a kiss to one of Hiroki's temples. "Exactly. You're my only exception, Hiro-san, so don't ever forget that."


	22. Smoke Filled Lungs

**Junjou Romantica**

**Warning: Major Character Death + possible triggers**

" **If you must die, Sweetheart, die knowing your life was my life's best part."**

**Keaton Henson**

It all started with a nasty cough that kept both Akihiko and Misaki up all night. It eventually caused Misaki to move out of the bedroom at night so he could get some sleep for his job at Marukawa Publishing, because he couldn't afford to sleep on the job  _again,_ or they would have no choice but to fire him.

Misaki had tried everything to cure Akihiko's persistent cough that was only getting worse as they days dragged by. Keeping Akihiko hydrated by making sure he was drinking at least six cups of water a day, lozenges and hot drinks, steamy showers and humidifiers, and medications. Nothing seemed to work for more than an hour, and each time the cough returned it was worse than before.

Misaki urged Akihiko to call his doctor to just talk to him about it, but his lover refused by brushing it off as a common cold that would be over in a few more days. Though, the cough never gave any signs of taking it's leave, and it had remained there so long that it pained Akihiko's chest just to breathe and made his voice hoarse. No matter how much Misaki had wanted to contact Akihiko's doctor himself, he respected Akihiko's wishes of just letting the cough run its course.

That was until Akihiko suddenly lost his appetite entirely and nearly gagged at just the smell of food, and started to wheeze. When Akihiko had finally collapsed from pure exhaustion of never being able to sleep, Misaki dialed Akihiko's doctor and talked to him. The man had only told Misaki that he had to take the author to the hospital as soon as possible to make sure he got a proper check up, because the symptoms sounded very familiar, but never told Misaki what they were from.

Now, two days later, Misaki is sitting in one of the many rooms in the local hospital with Akihiko, examining the many graphic posters that were hanging on the walls surrounding them. "This paper on this bed is extremely irritating," Akihiko commented dryly, shifting his body once again which caused to thin paper to crinkle underneath his weight.

"Then maybe you should stop moving every three seconds," Misaki exclaimed, turning his eyes away from a poster about brain tumors and cancers relating to that. He watched Akihiko open his mouth to argue, but before he could cut a word in, the accustomed sound of his cough echoed around the small room. Misaki frowned and turned his head away, trying to ignore it, until he heard a retching sound come from behind him.

He quickly snatched up the trash can beside him and shoved it underneath Akihiko with his nose crinkled in disgust when his lover immediately started to heave up whatever was left in his stomach. After a few seconds of Akihiko vomiting into the bin, he wiped his mouth, staring at the mess in the object with a horrified expression. "Misaki? Is vomit supposed to be that color?" he asked, voice rough.

Misaki furrowed his eyebrows and glanced shortly into the trash can, expecting just some sort of transparent color because basically the only thing Akihiko has had for the past couple of days was water. But, what he was met with instead was a dark red color, with little bits of food mixed inside. He puked up  _blood._ Not water, but blood.

"Oh my God," he gasped and continued to stare into the waste bin with an unreadable expression on his face. What the hell was wrong with Akihiko? What did it mean when people vomited up blood? That they were dying? That's what he's heard before but… that couldn't be it. Right?

Before he could fly out of the room in a blind panic to find a doctor for some help, the door opened and a cheerful doctor walked inside. How could he be so damned cheerful when Misaki was holding a trash can full of blood that his lover just puked up? "What seems to be the problem today?" he asked, looking at the clipboard in his hands.

"Well, he just puked up blood if that means anything," Misaki answered, unable to disguise his tone of bitterness. It wasn't directed towards the doctor himself, but the fact that he could be so happy at this time. How could someone walk through the hospital with a smile when it was full of sick, injured, and dying people?

The doctor's eyes lifted away from his clipboard in an instant when he heard the mention of blood. "Let me take that from you," he said to Misaki, his smile gone and now replaced with a professional looking frown. Misaki obediently handed the man the trash can, and the doctor glanced inside it before setting it on the counter beside him. "Was this the first time for it to happen?"

"Yes," Misaki answered, his hands wringing together nervously in his lap. "Does that mean he's dying?"

"Of course not," the doctor replied, reassuringly. "But, it does mean that there is something wrong with his body, and the possibility of dying is not immediately turned away. I'll need to check over him to make sure that there isn't anything seriously wrong."

Misaki nodded, mute. How could he find any words for this? If it wasn't for his stubbornness, Akihiko's illness might have not gotten this bad. Much to his relief, the doctor didn't say anything more for the next few minutes as he checked Akihiko's heart, pulse, and other common check up procedures. "So, besides him just vomiting blood, what has brought you here today?"

"Well, he's been coughing for the past two weeks. Really badly. And his chest has been hurting him, and he hasn't been eating much of anything for the past few days," Misaki explained, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth until he punctured the weak skin.

"I see," the doctor mumbled under his breath, scribbling down a few notes on the paper on his clipboard. It was silent for the next few minutes, save for Akihiko's coughing and the doctor typing something on the computer in the room. "I'm going to take Usami-san into the X-ray room to take some pictures of his chest. If we find anything strange we'll work up to a CT scan today. After that, if there is anything found, we'll work from there."

Misaki furrowed his eyebrows slightly in confusion, not sure as to what the doctor was expecting to find. "What kind of strange things are you looking for, uh?" Misaki's question faltered when he realized he still didn't know this doctor's name.

"You can call me Hase-sensei," the doctor said, but didn't wait for Misaki to correct himself. "And from what you've described, it sounds similar to a case of lung cancer. The X-ray will be able to detect any masses or spots on the lungs. If those are found, the CT scan will be able to tell us if there are any tumors on the lungs."

Misaki's mind went blank, and he felt his heart stammer in his chest. Lung cancer.  _Cancer._ The same illness that people die from every single day, and his lover might have it. That can't be right. Akihiko was fine, he just needed to go home and rest and get over this stupid cold. This doctor had no idea what he was talking about. There was no way Akihiko could have lung cancer.

"Hase-sensei," Akihiko spoke out suddenly, pulling Misaki out of his thoughts of denial. The author sounded too calm, too relaxed, and Misaki hated it. Shouldn't he be panicking right now, or yelling at the doctor for saying something so foolish? "How high of a chance do you think I have of having lung cancer?"

"Fairly high, from what I've heard," Hase-sensei said as he picked his clipboard back up. Why was he being so casual about this? This kind of conversation shouldn't be one that the doctor can have with a person, ruin their lives, then just go home as if nothing ever happened. Why was it so easy for him? "But there is no way to know for sure until we run a few tests. Your friend is going to have to stay in here while we go take the X-ray. If anything is found, he can stay in a waiting room outside of the CT scan room."

Akihiko nodded and took one last glance at his silent boyfriend, before slipping off of the noisy bed and slipped out of the room with the doctor. When the door clicked shut, Misaki let his head fall into his hands as he sighed in deeply, trying to shove his panic back down. There was no use freaking out over this right now. He wasn't even sure if Akihiko  _had_ cancer. If he did… they'd cross that bridge when they got to it. The thing was, Misaki didn't ever want to get to that dangerous bridge and cross over it.

**-Page Break-**

Fifteen minutes later, Misaki raised his head back up when he heard the door open, and only Hase-sensei stepped inside. "You're going to need to follow me into the waiting room on floor six. Unfortunately, we found a mass on one of Usami-san's lungs, and we need to take a closer look at it."

'Fuck,' Misaki thought to himself, yet obediently got out of his uncomfortable chair to follow the doctor out. They found something. They really found something, and it wasn't normal. It wasn't supposed to be there. Misaki walked silently throughout the hospital halls, nearly bumping into other nurses, doctors, and visitors in his numbness spell. Nobody else mattered right now. All that mattered to him was Akihiko's health.

"Take a seat in here. It might be about thirty minutes until he's out, and if we find a tumor we'll let you know. After that, we'll just have to schedule appointments to take a couple other tests to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else," Hase-sensei said, before walking away and into the room that Akihiko was in.

Why was the doctor talking in a way that sounded as if he was positive Akihiko had cancer? Were they sure he did, and they were just not telling Misaki until this test was done? How cruel that would be. They might know his lover has cancer, but they are just letting Misaki sit out in the hospital waiting room with his nerves so shot he felt as if he was about to throw up. At that thought, a flash of the blood flickered through Misaki's mind, and he screwed his eyes shut tight, trying to shut his brain down for just a few minutes. He didn't want to think about it anymore.

By the time the door to the CT Scan room opened, Misaki had nearly rolled himself up into a ball, his face hidden between his knees. He heard careful footsteps approaching him, and the doctor's tentative voice, calling out to him. He only squeezed his legs closer to his chest knowing what the doctor was going to tell him. They found a tumor. They found cancer inside of Akihiko, and there was probably a large possibility of death. He didn't want to hear about it. Ever.

"Me and Usagi-san are going to go home. I already know what you're going to say, so I'll call up here later to schedule an appointment for the other tests," Misaki said quietly, his voice muffled against the cloth on his knees. He picked up the tired sigh from the doctor, but he didn't ever say that Misaki was wrong about there being cancer.

"Usami-san is changing right now, so he'll be back out in a bit. He already knows, and I imagine you two will talk about your options later," Hase-sensei replied and set a packet next to Misaki before walking away. The soon-to-be college graduate lifted his head when he was sure the man was gone, and grabbed the packet with a shaky hand.

He took a glance at it, already knowing what it was going to be about. He picked up the small card that the doctor had placed on the top of it. It was a recommendation card for a doctor who specializes in lung cancer, so he would be able to care for Akihiko's future tests and procedures properly. Misaki swallowed thickly before shoving the card into his back pocket just as soon as Akihiko stepped out of the room and headed over to Misaki.

"I'm guessing the doctor has already spoken to you," Akihiko said, noticing the packet Misaki was holding.

"Obviously," Misaki replied, his voice weak and shaky. How was his lover's voice still so collected, like he wasn't just told he had cancer. If Misaki had been in his place he would be in a crying fit, not because he was scared for himself, but for Akihiko, his brother, Todo, and others close to him. Wasn't Akihiko worried about how other people were going to handle the news? Like Misaki and his brother. And wasn't he best friends with Kamijou-sensei, too? How would he take it?

"Let's go home. I'm driving," Akihiko muttered dully, turning around to head over to the hospital elevators. Misaki narrowed his eyes and stood from his chair, walking behind Akihiko with stiff movements. Why didn't Akihiko care about how he was reacting? He was just acting so… numb and calm. It scared Misaki.

When they were in the car and moving, Misaki was resting his head on the passenger side window, thinking about how they were going to go about treating Akihiko's cancer. Of course they would talk to the doctor first and listen to his own professional opinions on what to do, but what else was Misaki supposed to think about right now? He couldn't bare to think about talking to his brother about it, and tomorrow at school he would have to tell Kamijou-sensei before class. He really didn't want to be dealing with this. Why Usagi-san? What did he ever do to deserve this?

He was starting to doze off from exhaustion after being so mentally strained from everything that had happened today until he caught a whiff of smoke. Cigarette smoke? His head whipped around towards Akihiko to see a cigarette dangling from his lips, and his immediate reaction was to reach across the middle console and slap the damned thing out of Akihiko's mouth. "What the  _fuck_ do you think you're doing?!" Misaki shouted, his voice almost sounding like a growl.

"Smoking," Akihiko replied, his free foot moving to stomp out the cigarette that was burning on the floor of his car. "I already have cancer now, so what does it matter? Either way, I'll die." This time, Misaki reached out and punched Akihiko's shoulder harshly, tears stinging behind his eyes.

"Shut up! Just shut up! You're not going to die! I'm not going to just let you leave me like this," Misaki sobbed out, his fists curling on top of his trembling thighs. He bowed his head down to face his feet, sobs racking through his body, yet he didn't feel any tears falling. Was he hyperventilating? Why couldn't he properly cry?

Akihiko quickly pulled the car over to the side of some road they were on and caught Misaki's wrists in his large hands, turning him in a way so he was forced to look up at him. "Misaki, I'm sorry. I won't say it again, okay? I'm just shocked right now and feel kind of… hopeless. Please, just calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Misaki yelled, his entire body shaking with the force of his tearless sobs.  _God,_ they were starting to really hurt his chest right now. "You're sick, and you might die! How the hell can I calm down at a time like this?" he asked, tilting his head down again so he didn't face Akihiko. "Don't leave me, please please don't leave me. I couldn't bare it if you-."

Misaki was silenced by a pair of lips, and only then did the tears finally start to slide down his reddened cheeks. He lifted up his arms, wrapping them tightly around Akihiko's neck to drag him closer, desperate to just be near him, to breathe him in so he could never leave him. Through the rush of emotions, he could distinctly taste tears in their kiss, and whether it was from just him or both of them, it didn't matter. They were both grieving over a loss they never thought they would have to experience.

Telling his brother was just as horrific as Misaki expected it. His brother had immediately dissolved to loud, ugly tears when the word cancer had left Misaki's mouth, and it took all of Misaki's willpower to not join in with him. But, he had done all of his crying last night when he and Akihiko had joined together in a fit of grief, just trying to get through it together in the only way they knew how. Takahiro would have Manami and Mahiro to help him through everything because that was what family was for sometimes.

Telling Kamijou-sensei wasn't nearly as bad. Not just because he wasn't close to the man at all, but because he hadn't reacted nearly as badly as his brother. He had fallen into a kind of shocked silence for a moment, much like Misaki and Takahiro had, before he sighed and thanked Misaki for telling him. He had also told him to let 'Bakahiko' know to let him know if he needs anything or to call him if anything feels a bit off that he didn't want to go to the hospital for, since his "roommate" was a doctor and could probably help a bit if it wasn't too serious, or at least tell him if it was best to get to the hospital immediately. Misaki wasn't sure if he had ever been more grateful towards his literature professor.

**-Page Break-**

"Well, from these tests, the cancer has already spread to Usami-san's brain," announced Akihiko's main lung cancer doctor, Shimoda Katsumi. "And, I am feeling a bit hesitant to perform any surgery on his brain because the cancer has located itself in a part of the brain where if there is a mistake, I could either lose him in surgery or he would become paralyzed in his entire right half," he explained.

Misaki furrowed his eyebrows, and he could feel Akihiko squeeze his hand even tighter, his breath catching in his throat. What did that mean? Did that mean that he was just going to let Akihiko slowly die from the lung, and apparent brain cancer? "So you're just going to let him die without trying anything?"

"Of course not, Takahashi-san, but we need to take a different route of curing him," Shimoda-sensei answered, not seeming at all bothered by Misaki's hostile tone. "I also need to give him the TNM test before he leaves today in order to stage the cancer. That will not only tell us the best way of curing him, but his survival rate as well."

Misaki swallowed nervously, nodding his head slowly. What would happen if his cancer staged badly? What was the highest it could even get to? "How long will it take for the test results to get back to us?" Akihiko asked from beside him, his voice slow from fatigue. Lately, even if he manages to sleep throughout the entire night, he still wakes up feeling exhausted.

"Just a couple of days," Shimoda-sensei assured them, jotting something down on a clipboard beside him. "And the test itself shouldn't take too long either. Takahashi-san, you can just wait in here while I go perform the test on Usami-san, alright?" Misaki only nodded, the familiar uneasy feeling settling deep in his gut as he picked at his nails to do something to distract himself from his doubtful thoughts.

Why were things just getting worse and worse for Usagi-san?

**-Page Break-**

Stage four. Akihiko had stage four cancer in his lungs and brain, with a 1% chance of survival due to not being able to have the surgery. Why do they even give you a percentage of survival that low? That's basically just saying, 'hey, this person is going to die, so better start planning their funeral! Have a nice day!' Bastards. Stupid bastard doctors who don't feel any sympathy to those suffering. Misaki hates them all.

After he and Akihiko had gotten the test results back, and called the doctor asking questions, Misaki had just crumpled to the floor, not even able to cry. He was just shaking, and repeating, "I love you, please don't leave me," over and over again until his voice got hoarse. He's pathetic. He isn't the one dying, and yet he grieves as if he is. But… then again, a piece of him is, and when Akihiko is gone, Misaki will never be the same again. He has a right to grieve like this.

It has been a month now since they received the news, and Akihiko was just getting worse as the days went on. Misaki had tried talking him into doing radiation and chemotherapy, but Akihiko refused each time Misaki begged. He would tell him that there was no point in it because without the surgery there was only a 1% chance he would survive, so he would rather go without damaging his body even more, and getting more sick.

Misaki had yelled at the doctor as well, telling him that he just didn't care that his lover was dying, and he didn't give enough shits to perform the surgery. He knew it was childish to do such a thing, because the doctor had a very good point to not do the surgery. It could wind up paralyzing Akihiko's right side, or killing him, and Misaki would rather have Akihiko die now than be paralyzed for the rest of his life. He would never be happy that way, and neither would Misaki. No matter how they looked at it, it was best this way.

Akihiko had been doing okay, well as okay as a dying man could get, but he was progressively getting sicker. He could barely stomach anything anymore, he couldn't hold a conversation without falling into a coughing fit, and he was asleep most of the day. But tonight, he was upbeat and walking around as if he wasn't sick at all. Out of celebration and relief, thinking it was a miracle that his lover was recovering somehow, he had called Kamijou-sensei to let him know that his friend was getting better and didn't seem sick. He had a roommate, or lover from what Akihiko has told him, who's a doctor so he might be able to explain what's happening. What Kamijou-sensei had replied with was something Misaki wasn't expecting.

"I don't think that he's getting better, Takahashi. Nowaki, my roommate, has told me stories about how people on their last day on earth will seem to miraculously recover and just spend time with their family. But, the next day they die. Doctors believe that it's some peoples way of saying goodbye to their loved ones."

Misaki looked down at the phone cord, watching it wave back and forth with every small movement he made. He had heard about that kind of thing too, but that couldn't be it, could it? Akihiko was just getting better and wouldn't be dying until he's old and wrinkly. That was the way it was supposed to go. "But-" Misaki stammered, unable to say anything after that.

"I know it's sad, Takahashi, but I just don't think Akihiko has much time left with you at all. Make it worth it tonight, all right? That way… you don't have to regret anything," Kamijou-sensei said softly over the phone, almost as if he were consoling a temperamental toddler.

"Y-you're wrong," Misaki spat angrily. "And I'll prove it to you when he turns out to be completely healthy in the next month or so! You're just a pathetic man who doesn't have anyone to love so you want to hurt others. You're sick!" Misaki knew that was a horrible thing to say, and an overreaction, but he couldn't help but fear that his professor's words were true and Akihiko would leave him tonight. Tonight would be it, and Misaki would never see him again. He wanted to take his anger and fear out, and Kamijou-sensei was just there to take it.

"That isn't what I'm doing at all Takahashi, and I'll also have you know I've been in a very good relationship for seven years, so keep your comments to yourself. I'm just trying to warn you so you don't end up regretting your decision tonight. But, if you don't take my advice, that isn't my problem. Goodnight."

Misaki winced when the dial tone played through the phone, and for a moment all he was worried about was how Kamijou-sensei would most definitely be planning his murder by an avalanche of books. That was, until he thought hard about his teacher's words about Akihiko possibly be saying goodbye to him. This would be it. This would be their last time together. Forever.

The thought chilled Misaki to the bone, his heart freezing up with it. He had to make this worth it, even  _if_ Kamijou-sensei was wrong. It was better to be safe than sorry, right? Misaki set the home phone down and dashed up the stairs where Akihiko was waiting at, and jumped into the bed next to him so he could show Akihiko how much he loves him. If this was it, he would make sure Akihiko left happily.

**-Page Break-**

Happy isn't exactly the word Misaki would use right now, or anything close to it. With him standing next to Akihiko's hospital bed, gripping his cold hand, and the heart monitor beeping weakly next to his ear, he would use the word heart-wrenching.

"Usagi-san?" Misaki asked quietly, gripping tighter onto his lover's hand. "This… this is it, isn't it?"

Akihiko focused his lavender eyes on Misaki's own red-rimmed ones, and smiled sadly at him. "I'm afraid so," he whispered quietly, his breath rattling out of his lungs with each short breath. Misaki let out a dry sob, his head dipping down, unable to look at Akihiko anymore at the moment.

He looked so different from earlier today, even two hours ago. He looked as if you could snap him in half with two fingers, his skin was so pale Misaki could almost see every vein winding underneath it. There were also too many IV's pricking through Akihiko's pale skin, and that strip connected to a large machine to help his lover breathe wasn't supposed to be there. Why was this happening? "Misaki," Akihiko called out quietly, pulling on his hand gently. "Can you promise me something before I go?"

"What is it?" Misaki inquired, his voice shaky.

"When I die… don't stop living. I don't mean to not kill yourself, but don't do that either. What I mean is, go out and find somebody who makes you happy. Someone that you can lean on and love. I don't want to watch you live in a constant depression, because I'll feel even more guilty about leaving you like this," Akihiko whispered. He sounded weak and tired… oh, so tired. Misaki hated it.

"That's something you would never say. You should be saying that you're going to lock me away even when you're gone," Misaki said with a humorless laugh, resenting the fact that Akihiko was hurting himself by saying he wanted Misaki to find someone else to love.

"You wouldn't be happy," Akihiko rasped. "I just want you to be happy, even if it isn't with me. At least, this way I won't have to watch you trade me for someone better. I don't actually have to deal with the pain of watching you go to another man."

"You jerk," Misaki whimpered, pressing his face into Akihiko's chest, listening to his quiet heartbeat. It was so much weaker than usual, it sounded as frail as Akihiko looked. " _I_ have to watch you go, and the last thing on my mind right now is finding someone else. I… I never imagined the end like this. It isn't fair."

"As if I wouldn't have gone first anyway," Akihiko replied, a light laugh leaving his chapped lips. Misaki shivered when he felt the familiar feel of his lover's fingers carding through his hair, gentle and reassuring as always. "I wouldn't have bared being in your situation. I would have done something drastic just to be with you again. You know that."

"Yeah," Misaki murmured lowly, trying to breathe in as much as Akihiko's scent as possible, but it was tainted by the pungent smell of hospital. "I know. But… I can't promise you that I will be able to find someone else to love like I do you. It's impossible. But, I'll live my life to the fullest, just like I know you want me to."

"Thank you," Akihiko hummed, continuing to run his fingers through Misaki's soft, brown hair. "That's all I wanted to hear."

"I want you to promise me something, too," Misaki said seriously, but didn't move his head away from Akihiko's chest. He wanted to hear his heartbeat for as long as he could, even if it was only for a few more minutes. Judging from the beat against his ear, and the continuous beep from the monitor, he didn't have much longer with him. Tears started to slip from his eyes at the thought, but he kept his voice steady as he spoke again.

"If you must die, I want you to die knowing that your life was my life's best part. I love you."

"I love you," Akihiko responded, taking hold of Misaki's cheek and guided his face over to his own to bring their lips together in a last kiss between them. Misaki could taste the tears between them, but he never moved away until Akihiko's lips became unresponsive under his own. And they suddenly grew so cold, so so cold.

He jerked away, staring at Akihiko's relaxed face. He looked asleep, as if he was having a good dream from the small smile that was gracing along his lips. However, he was gone. His chest wasn't rising and falling with struggled breaths, and his eyelashes weren't fluttering against his cheekbones. There was no movement. Nothing. There was no sound in the room except Misaki's sobs and the long, drowned out beep of the heart monitor. He was dead.

Suddenly, rough hands were gripping onto Misaki's arms, dragging him out of the room. Misaki kicked, yelling at whoever was tearing him away from his lover before he was ready to be physically torn away from him. He was pushed out into the hallway, and he could hear frantic chatter from behind the door from doctors trying to save him, but Misaki knew it was too late. Akihiko was gone, and he wasn't going to be coming back.

He sunk down onto the floor, staring at his hands that were splayed flat against the tile. Hands that Akihiko would sometimes just sit and hold in his own, playing with Misaki's long fingers. He would never have that again. He would never hear his low, soothing voice again. He would never feel his skin against his own again. He would never feel their breaths mingling together as their lips meet for a kiss. He would never have Akihiko again. Nothing but a memory of him.

That was when Misaki allowed himself to scream.


	23. Longing

**Junjou Terrorist**

**"I am constantly surprised by the longing for you that never quiets."**

**Tyler Knott Gregson**

"I don't think I'll be getting home early tonight. This entire week is going to be really hectic, so don't wait up for me."

Shinobu wasn't surprised by this news since Miyagi has been held up in the office for the past couple of nights due to midterm finals he was grading for himself as well as a few of his subordinates. Shinobu couldn't even find the will to be angry or jealous about the fact that Miyagi was helping Kamijou out because he didn't see him as a major threat to their relationship anymore. He had been going to the university to pay Miyagi a visit, but instead found Kamijou hunched over on his desk with some tall man's hand shoved in his pants. To be frank, Shinobu believed Kamijou was quite content in his relationship at the moment. (The guy  _was_ pretty hot, and how Kamijou scored him was above Shinobu's knowledge.) Shinobu was concentrating on his sister trying to weasel her way back into Miyagi's life at the moment anyway.

He wouldn't mind that Miyagi was held up at the office every night if it wasn't for the cold bed he was alone in every single night. A few months ago sleeping alone in a bed didn't bother him, but that was when he wasn't used to the warmth of pressing close to Miyagi every night, or the comfort of his rhythmic heartbeat against his ear. Now, the absence of Miyagi is so prominent it makes falling asleep an extremely difficult task, and he really wasn't looking forward to it. The covers never provided enough warmth, and the pillow didn't lull him to sleep with a gentle heartbeat. It was just so... lonely.

"Whatever," Shinobu said into the phone, his tone passive. "Just don't work yourself to death, Old Man."

He wasn't about to complain about it to Miyagi though. It was work, so it wasn't like he could help that he was coming home late. Shinobu would just be acting selfish if he asked Miyagi to come home and finish work later, and he wasn't going to let Miyagi see him as a self-centered brat. They uttered a few more words of goodbye before Miyagi hung up to get back to his work, and Shinobu turned back to the pot of boiling water in front of him. He had been wanting to surprise Miyagi with a new type of meal that wasn't pumpkin or cabbage, but that would have to wait. He turned off the stove before dumping out the water and giving the pot a quick rinse since it wasn't used for anything except water. With that done he retreated to the bathroom to take a quick warm shower in hopes that it will make the bed seem less cold.

When Shinobu crawled into the bed an hour later, the fan blowing into the corner of the room just for noise, he realized the shower had helped nothing whatsoever. In fact, the chill of the room was settling over his once warm skin, leaving goosebumps underneath it. With a huff, Shinobu deemed himself as pathetic and rolled over onto the opposite side of the bed where Miyagi normally slept. Miyagi's non-attendance shouldn't affect them this much, especially since he should be more accustomed to sleeping alone than with someone. However, his body disagreed and refused to let reason keep it from shivering. Shinobu buried his face into Miyagi's pillow, breathing in his scent as he clutched the duvet as close to him as possible. 'This is so stupid,' he thought bitterly to himself, mentally telling Miyagi to hurry home.

**-Page Break-**

Three hours later, Shinobu was teetering on the edge of slumber when he heard the bedroom slowly open. His eyes opened, ignoring his embarrassment from being caught on Miyagi's side of the bed while smothering himself in his pillow. "W-welcome home," he muttered, rolling back over to his side of the bed while Miyagi loosened his tie.

"Were you up waiting for me? I thought I told you not to do that," Miyagi replied, tossing his tie onto the dresser before moving to unbutton his shirt. Shinobu tried hard to not watch as the fabric parted, revealing Miyagi's chest, then stomach, and –shit- his pants are hanging dangerously low on Miyagi's hips. With a thick swallow, he raised his eyes up to Miyagi's face so he didn't tempt his arousal any further. While he would love to have sex with Miyagi since it had been so long, he knew his lover was too tired now and he still had a long day of work ahead of him tomorrow.

"I didn't," he admitted quietly, feeling the familiar burn on his cheeks. "I just couldn't sleep because you were gone. You better... take responsibility for this once your work get's done. It's another stupid side effect from your Miyagi disease." Unable to watch Miyagi's reaction without embarrassing himself any further, Shinobu rolled back over and hid his flushed face in his own pillow. Much to his horror, he heard Miyagi  _laugh_ from the other side of the room, and Shinobu brought the blankets closer to himself in an attempt to make himself appear smaller. He should have known Miyagi would have thought that sounded dumb.

He felt the bed dip on his side, and Miyagi's chest was pressing against his shoulder with his mouth right above his ear. "I'll make sure to take full responsibility. Don't worry," he murmured, and Shinobu quivered from feeling the man's warm breath dancing across the shell of his ear. Miyagi never ceased to surprise him with words of reassurance, love, and care. When they had first started this relationship, Miyagi freaked out from simple brushes of hands or thighs, and now he was whispering these kinds of lines into his ear. He must have no idea what he did to Shinobu. Not a clue.

Shinobu turned his head, and from their close proximity, Miyagi's lips trailed from his ear to the corner of his mouth. The literature professor kept them there, feeling comfortable enough to not jerk his head back from sudden shyness as Shinobu's eyes clashed with his own. Shinobu was sure Miyagi knew that he felt touched by his words from the blush still staining his cheeks, and the sweet, sappy, giddy expression that was most likely taking over his face. "You better," he muttered, trying to make it sound demanding, but his voice was too breathy.

Miyagi, however, didn't seem to mind because all he did was smile for a moment before pressing their lips together, his hands cupping Shinobu's face tenderly. Shinobu smiled into the kiss, shifting his body so he was laying on his back, Miyagi hovering over him between his legs. He moved his hands away from Miyagi's hips, trailing them along his back until they reached the nape of his neck, curling his fingers into the bottom on his hairline there. He arched his body up, Miyagi's bare skin's warmth seeping through the soft material of Shinobu's shirt, and he couldn't help the mewl that escaped his mouth at the feel of it. Miyagi swallowed the sound, changing his hand placement from Shinobu's cheek to gently pressing the back of his head, pushing their lips closer.

They continued to kiss slowly for awhile, letting themselves reconnect with every move of lips, brush of tongue, trace against warm skin. When Miyagi pulled away, Shinobu choked back the whine of desire to have his lips back, but he knew they had to stop before they got any further. He could  _feel_ it against his thigh as Miyagi shifted to get up and finish changing. As much as he wanted Miyagi back on top of him, inside of him, he knew they were both too tired to do anything tonight. He could feel the drowsiness sinking into him, weighing down his eyelids, now that the moment of passion was dissolving into the cold air of the bedroom.

'Tomorrow morning,' he promised himself as he finally allowed his tired lids to close and Miyagi's body joined his in the bed. Shinobu felt Miyagi shift into a position where he was forced to pick his head up and rest it on top of Miyagi's chest. Shinobu smiled because he knew that  _Miyagi_ knew exactly what he needed for a comfortable sleep. Body warmth and his strong heart beating against his ear.


	24. First and Last

**Junjou Egoist**

**January 27, 2004**

_"Takahiro..."_

Why? That was the only question that was managing to coherently echo throughout Hiroki's jumbled brain while he stood underneath the scalding water of his shower, yet still shivering with his blood cold beneath his skin. Heat pricked behind his closed eyes, his hands curled into fists beside his thighs so tight that he could feel the stinging bite of nails in his palms. There were a lot of things that could be connected to that simple word that was whirling around his brain, but the most obvious one was standing out to Hiroki in big, prominent, black letters behind his eyelids.

_**Why couldn't you be in love with me?** _

Hiroki swallowed thickly around the lump in his throat that wouldn't sink back down even though tears were beginning to mix in with the water cascading down his face. It really isn't fair, Hiroki reasoned with himself the millionth time in the past two years since Takahiro has been around. Hiroki had been best friends with Akihiko since they were ten, and they had been through so much together, but apparently kind words from a stranger was what Akihiko wanted. Hiroki had read everything Akihiko has written, fell in love with every word scribbled on notebook sheets, but Akihiko fell in love with a boy who noticed his scrawled writing on a desk. Then, just like that Hiroki had been traded in every way.

Even though he had grown up with Akihiko, knew every one of his secrets, and cared for him more than any other person had cared for him before, he was still tossed away for someone who said his writing was 'pretty good'. His writing was wonderful, pieced together beautifully, and spoke to the reader more clearly than anything else Hiroki had ever read. It wasn't just pretty good, that was something his father would say to compliment his writing, and why Akihiko found that comment so heart-touching was beyond him. Takahiro should be a nobody compared to Hiroki, but he knows that's just his selfishness talking. Not only his selfishness, but his heartache.

_'Takahiro...'_

More tears slipped past his clenched eyelids, and Hiroki choked on a sob that was crawling angrily up his throat. He loves Akihiko more than anyone else in the world, but Akihiko hasn't ever noticed because he's so blinded by his precious Takahiro. Even tonight, with Hiroki riding him and trying to communicate his feelings as much as physical touching would allow, Akihiko still couldn't see passed his Takahiro Barrier and called out to him. Not to the person standing in front of him with a loving smile, but to the person who sees Akihiko nothing more than a pretty good author and a friend. Why couldn't Akihiko figure it out? Why couldn't he just walk away from the heartbreak he was facing with Takahiro and turn to Hiroki instead so they could both be  _happy?_ Right now, for both of them, all falling in love was doing for them was proving how much of a mistake it was. It was right; falling in love has been Hiroki's greatest mistake.

He knew this very well, it was written out clearly in front of him, but he still couldn't fix his mistake. It seemed unfixable, just something that he was going to have to live for with the rest of his life, because if it wasn't, why hadn't his feelings for Akihiko stopped years ago? Takahiro only stood out as an obtrusive reason for him to give up and make another love-filled mistake somewhere else. However, no one compared to Akihiko no matter how hard Hiroki tried to forget his feelings for the man. He had enough loveless relationships to prove it, and enough one night stands to prove his loneliness. 'Akihiko could be added to the one night stand list now', and at the thought, Hiroki let the struggling sob to escape.

It  _hurt._ Why did love hurt? From the stories that his parents always told them, after seeing happy couples skipping around everywhere, love shouldn't ever hurt this much. How can you be in love with someone who just hurts you by not loving you back? Hiroki slumped forward with another rough sob, his back hitting the shower wall as the warm water steaming up the water started to ice itself down. It caused him to tremble, hand shivering over his mouth, but he made no move to exit to frigid liquid. It was easier to cry in the shower because he wasn't able to hear himself as well under the hiss of the water, and it was harder to feel the throb in his heart because the extreme temperatures surrounding his body ached his skin.

Sleeping with Akihiko was a mistake for too many reasons. Akihiko had, in a way, defiled his pure feelings towards Takahiro by thinking of him in such a situation. He had also marred his friendship with Hiroki because they're friendship wasn't about having sex with each other because they were hurting, it had always been about being there for each other innocently. They made everything complicated and it was going to take Hiroki ages to be able to look Akihiko in the eyes again because this guilt was never going to go away. Having sex with Akihiko hadn't helped anything for his case either, at all. In fact, it only made him hurt more because even while they're joined so intimately like that, Akihiko didn't see him behind that blindfold.

Although he knew that Akihiko never loved him, the fact was only just beginning to settle inside of him. The realization showed with each tear that dripped down his cheek, in the shameful flush on his cheeks, and every dull throb his heart felt with each beat. It was over now. Akihiko didn't love him, having sex with him didn't help prove his feelings, and that just showed it was time to move on. He needed to really try and move on this time, instead of having drunk nights with strangers in order to fill the hole in his heart. He needed  _someone_ who would love him with their whole heart and make him happy that he didn't end up with Akihiko. That, however, was easier said than done.

**-Page Break-**

**January 27, 2015**

_'Hiro-san...'_

Why? That was the only question Hiroki could ask himself as he stared at the picture in his hand. It was a picture that his mother had just sent him with a note written in her neat kanji on the back of it. He looked over the features of both him and Akihiko from when they were younger, their hands both clasped together innocently between them, looking obediently at the camera his mother had been holding with some kind of zoo animal behind them. They both seemed so happy in the picture, and Hiroki was actually surprised that he didn't see a blush staining his cheeks due to the fact that they were holding hands. His best guess was this was taken before he developed a crush on his friend, and that would explain why he was able to smile to freely and hold hands at the same time. There was nothing else he had desired from Akihiko at the time; just friendship.

**Why had I wanted anything further than friendship from him?**

Hiroki looked at his and Akihiko's joined hands again, a bitter smile settling across his lips for a split second as anger towards himself rose up in his chest. What he had with Akihiko before his crush on him messed everything up was perfect, and he's not sure why he hadn't been able to see that back then while he was suffering. Upon realizing that, he would have been able to get over the stupid crush and it everything wouldn't have escalated the way it had. He would have been able to tease Akihiko about his crush on Takahiro instead of making spiteful comments about it while wishing that Akihiko liked him instead. It would have all been so much easier.

He would have been able to meet Nowaki and fall in love with him happily instead of the strange way he had. He wouldn't have had a jaded view on love, and would have accepted Nowaki's feelings with an open heart at first, just like he wished he had now. He wouldn't have been confused by his feelings for Nowaki while still trying to get over the slight falling out that he and Akihiko had after sleeping together. None of that would have taken place, and he wouldn't have such sullen memories if it had happened the way he wishes now. He's sure Akihiko would have a lot less regrets as well.

_'Hiro-san...'_

Hiroki sighed, setting the picture down on the television stand in front of him, turning around to make his way into the kitchen where he could smell whatever Nowaki was cooking. He would be sure to stuff the picture in one of his books in his library like the others so he could surprise himself by coming across it one day. They were always nice reminders of his friendship with Akihiko before everything started to fall apart for him with the crush. Seeing them also always made him appreciate Nowaki just a bit more.

"Ah, Hiro-san, dinner will be ready in just a few minutes," Nowaki said with a small smile upon seeing Hiroki enter the kitchen. Hiroki only nodded, walking closer to the taller man so he could rest his head on Nowaki's right shoulder, watching closely as the man cooked. He wasn't typically one to initiate any kind of affectionate touching, but Nowaki had a hard week at work, and he was also feeling really thankful for his lover at the moment.

"Hiro-san?" Nowaki asked when he felt Hiroki stand so close to him with his head on his shoulder. The action wasn't too rare, and Hiroki seemed to do this every once a month, but it still surprised Nowaki when it happened. "Are you feeling alright? Or, are you sleepy?"

Hiroki looked up, gazing into those  _blueblueblue_ eyes staring back down at him, and for a split second he lost his train of thought, which happened every time he got a good look at Nowaki's eyes. They were so pretty, and gentle looking which matched Nowaki's personality perfectly. In fact, one of the first things he noticed about Nowaki when he met him, besides his hands, were his eyes. He fell in love with their unique shade, and they still make him believe that one of his parents were American due to how strange it was to inherit blue eyes if you have two Japanese parents. "I'm fine... I just want to be close to you right now," he mumbled, hiding his face in the crook of Nowaki's neck when he felt his cheeks warm.

Nowaki stilled with shock for a second, but smiled gleefully just as quickly before pressing a tender kiss to the top of Hiroki's hair. "After dinner we can go to bed then, Hiro-san," he said softly, not wanting to break whatever spell that was making Hiroki act so affectionate, and speak comfortably with him like this. It was nice, and it only happened every once in a while, so Nowaki always cherished the moments when they did happen.

Hiroki knew exactly what Nowaki meant by going to bed after dinner, and nodded again, because that was what he wanted right now. He wanted to connect with Nowaki right now, and the need for it was blooming further in his chest with every passing tick of the clock because it had been far too long since they've been able to make love. "I love you," he whispered shyly into Nowaki's neck, his lips ghosting against the skin right below Nowaki's ear. He felt Nowaki shiver slightly against him, and Hiroki held back a smile at that.

"I love you, too," Nowaki replied, and suddenly Hiroki was being twisted around in his strong arms until Nowaki could bend down so their lips would press together. Hiroki hummed quietly, eyes falling shut instantly, melting into the kiss, pressing his body against Nowaki's warmer one. Their noses bumped as Hiroki raised his arms to wrap them around Nowaki's neck, and he choked back the giddy giggle that was bouncing up his throat from it.

'I know,' Hiroki thought to himself when he felt Nowaki's large hands grasp his hips, dragging him even close until he wished their clothes were off so he could feel skin-on-skin. 'I know you love me. And, thank you for loving me so much that I'm overjoyed that Akihiko and I never happened. Thank you so much, Nowaki.'

"Hiro-san..."


	25. Not Your Fault

**Junjou Romantica**

Misaki's childhood fell apart with swerved tires on a rainy street, and a crash of metal against concrete that resulted in two tragic deaths. Even fourteen years later after the incident, he clearly remembers the phone call he had with his mother as his parents had been rushing out of the restaurant they had gone to just to spend some well deserved time together.  _Hurry home_ he had said fearfully through the phone, his body quaking even in his brother's comforting embrace because the thunder outside was scary, and the occasional flash of lightning startled him each time because the electricity was out. All he wanted at that moment was his mother's soothing words, and father's protective embrace. In the end, he wasn't ever even able to hear their voices again. All because he was a selfish little kid.

He remembers the call his brother received from the hospital down a block from where the wreck happened, the operator solemnly informed them that their parents were never coming home, and his brother was going to have to go to where their bodies were to confirm them. His brother cried, and at the time, Misaki was too naive and too stupid to understand what was going on and why his mommy and daddy weren't coming home.  _"Why are we going to the sick place, Nii-chan?"_ He had asked with big wet, confused eyes.  _"Are Mommy and Daddy sick?"_ His innocent question had only reduced his brother to more tears.

When they had entered the room their parents were lying dead in thirty minutes later, Misaki could hardly recognize them as his parents. Now, he wonders why the hospital even allowed an eight year old child to see the mangled, bloodied bodies of his parents, and why his brother let him see it. He's sure now that his brother was just dazed, grieving, and his last priority at that specific moment was making sure Misaki's innocence stayed in tact. When Takahiro had tearfully confirmed the bodies to be their parents to the nurse with them, funeral arrangements were made and Takahiro had adopted Misaki, resulting in ruining his own dreams of going to Mitsuhashi University. Misaki tore Takahiro's dreams away from him. Everything was his fault.

That fact, that everything is his fault, has marred itself into his heart, brain, and skin so many times that he lives and breathes in it on the date of their death. He always tries to think up ways of how he could have prevented their death, and he always comes back to the same conclusion:  _if I just hadn't begged my brother to call._ They wouldn't have rushed out of the restaurant, they wouldn't have sped down a slick street in pouring rain, they just wouldn't have died. Misaki should have just accepted his brother as his only comfort during the blackout and storm until his parents had made it home in their own time, but he hadn't. In a way, he murdered his parents.

Today, that statement will repeat itself until he feels so dizzy he has to lay down for the rest of the day, and will fall into a restless sleep with another nightmare of the sound of crumpling metal and his parent's horrified shrieks. At this exact part of the day's schedule, he's curled up under the sheets of his bed that he never uses anymore because he and Akihiko have been sharing a bed for the past few months, and he's trying to drown out the negative thoughts directed towards himself with silence. It never seems to work, and it isn't trying to work now either, because with every tick of the clock nearby, the thoughts just get louder. He would flick on the television or read some manga, or even one of Akihiko's BL mangas he's so desperate, but he just can't summon up the energy to do so.

At the same time he sighs and tries to curl in on himself, his unused bedroom door opens, and he realizes that he must be worrying Akihiko greatly on these days. He arches his neck up so he can look up at where his lover is standing in the doorway, his posture hunched and so not like him. It's causing concern for Misaki, and it angers him, because he knows he's the cause of Akihiko's obvious distress. "Sorry," he starts in a hushed voice, sitting up. "I'll go down to cook lunch now. I'm sure you're hungry." That's the most he's said all day, and he hates how weak he sounds, and he wishes he doesn't have to be talking, but it's to reassure Akihiko. It's all for him, Misaki doesn't want to be selfish in front of him.

"It isn't your fault," Akihiko says suddenly, and one of his arms is reaching out so Misaki is pressed against the mattress again. Normally this action would soon result in Akihiko hovering over Misaki and kissing him, but the author stays where he is, looking at Misaki sadly. At first the university student is confused, thinking that Akihiko is referring to his hunger since that was what Misaki had been talking about a minute ago, but eventually his brain makes the connections.

"You're parents didn't pass away because of you. You were only a child who was scared, and you did what any other eight year old would do while panicking. You called out for your parents, and they responded, but sometimes death decides to destroy life."

Misaki watched as Akihiko lowers himself to sit next to him on the bed, and he tries to stop his stupid eyes from leaking from his boyfriend's words. He should believe them, because they make sense, but something that he's grown up blaming himself for isn't just going to go away with a few hushed words. "I know I'm usually good with words," Akihiko starts to say, his hand reaching out to wipe away the tear that has slipped from Misaki's eye despite his best efforts to prevent it. "But, right now I feel a bit speechless because I have no idea what you're going through. I never felt connected to either of my parents, and I honestly wouldn't care if they died. Sometimes I wish my life had been different, not for my benefit, but so I could help you with this more."

Misaki released an embarrassing wet sob as he shook his head, sitting up so he was almost curled up in Akihiko's lap. He could feel Akihiko's large hands press against the small of his back to draw him in closer, and his hands felt unnaturally warm, but Misaki melted against the gentle touch with a sigh, eyes closing. "Don't feel guilty, Usagi-san," Misaki whispered, wrapping his legs around Akihiko's waist, just wanting to be held. "Just... stay with me, please."

"Okay."

Misaki rested his head against Akihiko's chest, breathing slowly as he tried to get himself to relax again. It was a possibility that he would spend the rest of his life thinking that his parents' death was somehow, minimally, his fault. However, with Akihiko's strong heartbeat lulling the dark thoughts to sleep until they were drowned out with just a white noise playing in his ears, Misaki knew that these days would just be a bit more bearable.


	26. The Second

**Junjou Terrorist**

Shinobu had heard somewhere that first love makes a person feel more special than if they were their partner's second or third. At first he always figured that was true because if a person had been in love with someone else before you, wouldn't that mean their entire heart doesn't belong to you and you alone? Being someone's first love used to be so important to him, and now, he really doesn't understand why.

He's Miyagi's second love. Before him, Miyagi had been infatuated with his dead Sensei from high school and had never gotten over her, even after being married to Shinobu's sister for three years. The marriage used to bother Shinobu constantly. It always made him feel as if he needed to be better than his sister in every way, and Sensei, in order to keep Miyagi in love with him and no one else. Now, he knows his relentless efforts were just a waste of energy and nothing more.

The marriage had really just been a convenience for Miyagi and his sister. While Risako was in love with Miyagi for the short few years they had been together, Miyagi had really only been with her in a fruitless attempt to get over his previous love. When the divorce had come, Risako had seemed to be the only one affected.

The Takatsuki's hadn't been able to offer their daughter any kind of real sympathy because they had seen the divorce coming since Miyagi's emotionless "I do" made Risako's heart jump during the wedding ceremony. Shinobu had been too busy trying to get back to Japan as soon as possible, which was a couple months later after the papers had been signed and his semester in Australia was over, to care much about his sister's broken heart. He was never too close to her anyway, so when their parents called him the night she ran from her old home with Miyagi and he could hear her blubbering in tears in the background, he isn't too ashamed to say that it only gave him hope.

Her tears and failed marriage, that had been mostly her fault in the first place because of her constant cheating, meant that he still had a chance to win Miyagi's heart. And he did. It took effort, and a near trip back to Australia in order to do it, but Miyagi had finally been able to realize his feelings before Shinobu boarded the plane.

He had been so drunk on the love that Miyagi was finally showering him in that he hadn't ever understood, or thought about, his sister's warning when she figured out he was seeing someone but he wasn't specific who. She had said that everyone, especially if you aren't their first love, always compares you to the person who first stole their heart. He hadn't taken her words seriously because he knew that Miyagi had never been in love with her, so when he gained the knowledge of Sensei, it was like cold water splashed over him and jerked him from his drunken haze.

The last thing he ever wanted was to be compared to a woman who was dead and still had Miyagi tied around her finger like a clinging thread. The picture in Miyagi's glove compartment had proven that Miyagi still cared for her and didn't go without thinking of her. When he had stalked out of the parking garage with Miyagi's questioning gaze following him until he was out of sight, Shinobu finally understood what his sister must have felt those three years of loveless marriage. For the first time, he felt pity for her lost marriage because he was suddenly the one dealing with the pain of heartache.

Days after he had left, the plan firmly settled in his mind to end things with Miyagi as soon as he had enough strength to do so, Miyagi came looking after him. He had been in a stupid disguise that didn't work at all, and he looked so disheveled like he didn't have any idea why Shinobu had been avoiding him and it was driving him insane. The sight made Shinobu's heart hammer against his chest and cause the same fluttery, light-headed feeling he was so familiar with when he was around Miyagi, but remained in control because he couldn't let Miyagi fool him with the love he thought was fake.

His retaliation to what Miyagi was saying that day only made Miyagi's frustration grow to the point he dragged Shinobu away from his foreign friend, tossed him into his car and drove him to where his Sensei's grave was. Shinobu had yelled at him, demanded why he was taking him to this woman's grave because the last thing he wanted to do was watch Miyagi break down in front of him over someone Shinobu can't take his love from.

Shinobu complained the entire way up, trying to pry his wrist out of Miyagi's hold so he can flee and beg to just go home so he can try to finally get over him. His fighting never worked, and he didn't quiet until Miyagi and he were standing in front of Sensei's grave, Miyagi holding their linked hands up towards the sky as he professed his love for Shinobu to Sensei.

Shinobu has never, to this day, been able to fully explain the feeling that had swept over him when Miyagi did that. It was that same drunk feeling, but it almost felt as if it hit him tenfold. His heart had pounded in his chest happiness, surprise, relief and so many other reasons he can't place a name to. He had never known Miyagi truly loved him through the weeks when they first started dating, so when he had heard he won Miyagi's heart from Sensei, he had never felt so happy.

People say that it's the most wonderful feeling to be able to be someone's first love, and while that might be true in some way, Shinobu can't help but disagree. To know that he was able to take Miyagi's heart into his own hands when his sister never could, even after being married to him for three years, made him feel so incredibly special.

When he thinks about it now, he really wouldn't want it any other way.


	27. A Real Heart in a False World

**Junjou Egoist**

Nowaki has always been a soft person who cares about the wellbeing of others, even if those people don't deserve his concern. Hiroki has been told by the orphanage that Nowaki, even as a child himself, cared about those younger than him and constantly tried to make them feel welcome and cared for in the place they lived in; to make them feel as if they were in a family already.

Hiroki had heard from the orphanage director that at some point in Nowaki's teenage years he had lost himself along the way and grew mean and rebellious. Suddenly the weight of being rejected by everybody, especially his parents, pressured itself on his heart to the point he tried to push everyone who would have him away so he couldn't get harmed further, and hurt those who already had.  _Like himself._ The uneven feeling of the bumps on Nowaki's wrists from scars still pressed themselves on Hiroki's fingertips.

Sometimes Hiroki wonders if Nowaki did it not only to injure himself to distract him from the pain of his inner turmoil, but also in hope that somewhere his parents would possibly know their baby was hurting himself and come back for him. They never did and Hiroki really hates them for that. Nowaki deserved so much better than the cards he was dealt. He deserves a mother who held him close to her even after he was out of the womb because she loved him so, and a father who stuck close to him and showed him how to get by in the world, he deserves siblings who he could care for while they pepper him with thankful kisses and grate on his nerves at the same time because that's just what siblings do.

Nowaki never deserved the cruel treatment that was given to him in the orphanage, he didn't deserve the hateful sneers tossed his way in middle school just because he was poor and without a loving family, he didn't ever deserve his bruised heart or the outward self-inflicted cuts on his wrists to forearms that showed his hurt. He didn't deserve any of that, but then again, maybe nobody else does.

When Nowaki arrived home that night, or early morning, Hiroki was already awake and bustling around in a frenzied rush to get to the university. He had a meeting that morning and it was already a struggle enough to get up early enough for his regular classes, let alone a board meeting that took entirely too long for pointless things that they've discussed a thousand times and never do anything to accomplish them. Hiroki sometimes feels bad for all of his students that have to sit so many lectures that go on like the board meetings, but then again, they paid to go through that so that was their own fault.

"Nowaki," Hiroki acknowledged once he saw him stumble through the living room and to the couch. He found it slightly odd that the other hadn't announced himself like he always does, even when Hiroki is sleeping. "I have a meeting this morning so I wasn't able to make breakfast. Will you be okay to make it yourself?"

"I'm not really that hungry." The defeated tone in Nowaki's voice made Hiroki stop knotting his tie halfway through. He only ever hears that tone from Nowaki after a very hard, tiring shift or when one of his patients passes away. Hiroki winced, somehow knowing that it was the latter reason that was bothering Nowaki. He figures that working with kids in a hospital can be fun, but devastating at the same time when one of them ends up dying and doctors just watch as a life that hadn't even been lived to its fullest slips away.

Hiroki turned around slowly, taking in Nowaki's exhausted expression. His eyes seemed to be sunken in, the dark bags underneath them seemed to contrast badly with his sickly pale skin. The sight of his normally upbeat lover so wretched made his heart lurch uncomfortably in Hiroki's chest. Fuck the meeting. Surely the Dean would understand that he had to stay home and comfort his boyfriend who had clearly just lost a patient.

Hiroki abandoned his black tie and laid it sloppily over the back of the couch as he took a seat next to Nowaki. While Hiroki had never been particularly good at comforting people, he had been dealing with Nowaki's heartbreak over losing patients more times than he could count on his fingers, and God, wasn't that thought horribly depressing.

"Was… was it the girl you've been worried about lately?" Hiroki asked, cautiously.

Nowaki pulled his lower lip between his teeth and chewed it a few times, a telltale sign that he was upset, while he shook his head slowly. "No, she was actually checked out a couple hours before. It was actually a young boy, no older than fourteen, that was brought to the hospital in critical condition."

Hiroki hummed quietly and reached forward to start popping out the buttons of Nowaki's shirt. It wasn't anything sexual, just a system that had developed between them when they had these discussions. After Nowaki wore himself out emotionally by completing this talk, Hiroki would take him by the hand and lead him to their bedroom where he would leave him to sleep the dreadful day away.

"Apparently his parents found him on the bathroom floor lying in a pool of his own blood with cuts aligning both of his wrists all the way up to his elbows," Nowaki continued, his words coming out choked and distant, almost as if he wasn't the one speaking them.

Hiroki's fingers faltered, and despite himself, had a flashing image of Nowaki as a teenager in the same situation. He swallowed thickly, breath catching in his throat as he pushed the envision away and raised his eyes to meet Nowaki's own fatigued ones. The tip of his tongue ran across his bottom lip nervously before asking: "you thought of yourself, didn't you? When you were hurting yourself."

"Yeah."

The single word answer hit Hiroki like a heavy truck even though he had known the answer was coming, and he was forced to close his eyes for a moment as his hands instinctively trailed down to Nowaki's wrists and ran over to bumps there.

"It scared me because it got me thinking: 'what if I had actually followed through with killing myself like I had planned in the orphanage'?" Hiroki's sharp intake of breath and stammer of fingers against his scars made Nowaki pause. "It didn't scare me because I'm scared of dying for my sake, but yours. If I had gone through with it, I would have never met you, and to me, that's more lonely than a suicidal death.

I tried so hard to save him because I knew that he would eventually find the one thing in life that would make him think that everything he had gone through, or going through, was worth it in the end. We lost him under five minutes because I was too fucking shaken up to do a thing."

Hiroki's fingers immediately flew up from their resting position on Nowaki's wrists so he could cup his face in his hands and force Nowaki's eyes to meet his own once again. "You did everything you could, Nowaki. You know that, and so does everyone else who was trying to save him, and so do his parents. As a doctor you should know better than anyone that your job does not guarantee that everyone going into that place is going to be walking back out. When it's there time, it's there time and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it.

"And as for the what if's, they're pointless. You're here with me now, and you aren't going to be leaving me anytime soon. Yes, I'm so glad you didn't hurt yourself even further when you were in the orphanage, but if you had I, unfortunately, wouldn't have known I was missing you. Whoever that kid was going to meet will find a new destiny with someone else, and you're just going to have to find comfort in the fact that the poor kid isn't hurting anymore."

"But… what about his parents? I never had any parents to worry about, but their expressions when I had to tell them was just-". Nowaki's voice cut itself off with a dry sob, and his hand raised up to his mouth to stop more sounds from spilling out. Hiroki knew he hated it when he saw him break down like this, and Hiroki hated to see it just as much, but he reached out anyway and pried Nowaki's hand away from his trembling lips so he could embrace him.

"It isn't worth your energy to worry about them. They'll be fine. Of course, it'll always hurt and I have no idea how ghastly it must feel to lose a child, but they'll pull through just like every parent you've had to tell their child didn't make it. They have each other to get through this, and they'll need each other now more than ever, but what you need to worry about is here with  _your_ family."

Nowaki desperately gripped onto Hiroki's dress shirt as his cries were stifled in his shoulder. As Hiroki wrapped his arms around Nowaki's body, and gently cradled the back of his head with his right hand, he listened to every jumbled "thank you" that overflowed from Nowaki's mouth.

"I love you," Hiroki murmured into Nowaki's hair and began to rock him slowly in hope that the motion would relax Nowaki. "Don't ever forget that."


	28. Losing Your Memory

Losing Your Memory

(Warning: major character death and possible triggers!)

Nowaki was brilliant. It was a fact that was blatantly obvious, and it was one that Hiroki picked up as soon as he started tutoring him. Honestly, Nowaki was so smart, determined and self-disciplined that even as an eighteen year old, he could have gotten his GED without any of Hiroki’s help. Knowing how smart Nowaki is was one of the reasons why Nowaki’s unknown -at the time- illness had brought so much concern for Hiroki before he even classified him as truly sick.

It had all started in mid-October while Hiroki’s semester grading was in full force and Nowaki had just recently become an actual paediatrician instead of just an intern. Hiroki and Nowaki had both been so stressed out at the same time that Hiroki hadn’t been able to pay much attention at all towards Nowaki’s sudden slowness. However, when grading came to a stopping point and Nowaki was settling into his new position at the hospital with no improvement in his health at all, Hiroki started to raise an eyebrow. It wasn’t only Nowaki’s deteriorating mind that made Hiroki call in a doctor’s appointment for his lover tomorrow, but it was also because of his sudden clumsiness, abrupt constant migraines, sensory changes and a numbness in his right arm that had started early that morning and proceeded into nightfall. Hiroki somewhat remembers reading somewhere that was a sign of a threatening seizure, but as he settled into bed that night, he ignored the thought.

At 3:17 in the morning, he regretted ever dismissing that plaguing thought. When he was jostled from sleep with the bed trembling underneath his person he had thought for a fleeting moment that a small earthquake had hit their area of Japan, but when he felt Nowaki’s hand twitching against his forearm for just a fraction of a second, he knew that wasn’t at all the case. He turned his head around quickly, eyes widening at the sight of Nowaki convulsing like a fish out of water, jaw clenched tight, and face screwed up in obvious pain.

“Nowaki!” The exclamation came out choked and breathy, as Hiroki’s body struggled to catch up with his brain and move so he could get to the phone, or his lover, or something to help him. He stretched forward, arm shooting out to force a corner of their duvet into Nowaki’s mouth so he didn’t end up breaking his teeth or biting his tongue. He kicked the covers off of his legs hurriedly, blindly reaching for the phone as he straddled over Nowaki’s body as if it would stop the seizure.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, head dipping so his bangs covered his eyes and his shoulders shook with the strain of trying to compose himself enough so he could make the phone call. With a deep breath and trembling fingers Hiroki managed to dial the emergency hotline number while casting a look at his digital alarm clock. How long had this seizure been going on? What was a normal time limit? What would happen if it went over that time limit? Hiroki swallowed thickly and decided he didn’t want to answer that last question as a woman’s voice sounded on the other end of his frantic phone call.

“119, what’s your emergency?”

“M-my boyfriend has been having a seizure for the past three minutes since I woke up, and it won’t stop. I need to get him to a fucking hospital but we don’t have a car.” Hiroki took in a heaving breath, trying desperately to calm his racing heart. “Why don’t we have a car?” he asked in a helpless whimper, the question directed toward himself more than anyone else.

As Hiroki was telling the operator his and Nowaki’s address, the body beneath his slowly settled down, and Nowaki’s eyes finally slid open and he stared up at Hiroki was a confused, tired expression. Hiroki almost interrupted himself in order to slot their lips together in a relieved kiss. When he tossed the phone back over on the nightstand, not caring at all when he heard the object fell to the floor instead, he bent down to tuck his face into the crook of Nowaki’s damp neck.

“Hiro-san?” Nowaki’s voice was raspy as if he hadn’t spoken in weeks.

“It’s okay,” Hiroki murmured, his dry lips ghosting across Nowaki’s skin. “It’s going to be okay.” He wasn’t sure if those words were being used to reassure himself or Nowaki.

XxX

Three hours later, Hiroki was standing in a hospital waiting room, and with a wince he realized for the first time since arriving that this was the same place that Nowaki saved lives at daily. Now he was the one who needed saving. Hiroki clicked his tongue with his mouth still clamped shut as he reached for his coffee, trying to ignore the way his hands were still shaking.

Nowaki might be alright. He never had any health problems before this, so why would he suddenly be deathly ill?

Hiroki tried to keep his thought process stuck on that as he raised the styrofoam cup to his lips and took a gulp of the watery coffee. With a grimace he figured that the hospital provided its staff members with good coffee because he had never heard Nowaki complain about it before, and his boyfriend was strangely particular about his coffee.

Yes, that’s better. Just relax. Hiroki slumped back into his seat he had been waiting in for the past few hours and tried not to recoil in horror at the sight of a man being rolled by with a heavily bleeding wound in his abdomen. He had really seen one too many scenes like that this morning and all he wanted to do was get Nowaki and go home.

Oh, God, please let Nowaki be okay. That wasn’t the first time that the thought had crossed Hiroki’s mind in the last three hours. Despite his mental coaching on telling himself that everything was fine, and Nowaki just had some sort of freak bad health moment, he couldn’t help but feel as if there was something seriously wrong. He really didn’t want to believe what the chilling, nagging feeling in his gut told him. He wanted to believe his own fantasy of Nowaki’s doctor calling out his name out and telling him that Nowaki was perfectly fine and… and…

“Kamijou Hiroki?”

Hiroki’s head snapped up from where he had been staring at the black coffee that was slowly starting to lose its color and look more like tainted water. He set the cup aside, not caring at all about what the stupid coffee resembled at the moment because that doctor standing near the nurses’ desk had his answers. Whether they were good or bad he wasn’t sure, but all he knew was his stomach was in so many knots that he had to clench his teeth tightly while he walked over, in fear of vomiting all over the floor. Not like I would be the first one tonight.

Once Hiroki was standing face-to-face with the doctor he realized that the man seemed to be completely worn out. Whether this was because he had been on call for one too many hours or it was Nowaki’s condition that seemed to wear him down, Hiroki wasn’t certain, and he prayed it wasn’t the latter.

“Good morning, Kamijou-san,” the doctor said politely, and Hiroki really wished that the sympathetic look in his dark eyes would just go away. It’s not helping, Hiroki thought to himself as icy fear just settled deeper into his lower intestines. It just makes everything seem so much worse. “I’m sure you would like to see Kusama-san now. He’s changing at the moment, but I need you to follow me so I can discuss his current condition with the both of you.”

Regardless of Hiroki’s nod and attempted polite flash of a smile that felt more like a grimace, he knew that the doctor was about to tell them something that neither he nor Nowaki wanted to hear. While he followed the doctor through the long, confusing hallways of the hospital, he worked on keeping his breathing under control. It seemed too erratic, and it wasn’t helping his clenching stomach or hammering heart.

What’s wrong with him? Why can’t they just send him home instead? Hiroki glanced down briefly at the doctor’s hands at his sides and noticed he was holding some sort of packet. Due to the gripping hands of curiosity, and the need to get some sort of idea of what was wrong with Nowaki, he skimmed over one of the bolded words that stood out against the white paper. As soon as he did, he felt his world sway underneath his feet and his right arm shot out so he could support himself against the elevator wall, an unexpected sob tearing free from his instantly clogged throat.

**Cancer.**

“Kamijou-san!”

Hiroki hunched over, pressing the heel of his hand against his mouth until he felt his teeth throb from the pressure, eyes screwing shut as if it would make this entire day erase. Without even opening them again, he knew it didn’t. His heart was still aching against his chest, he was still struggling to swallow bile back down, and the elevator lurched to a stop on the floor Nowaki was currently being kept on.

Cancer. Nowaki had cancer. Nowaki had that same illness that people die from every single day. Nowaki could very possibly be struggling in the strangling hands of death.

“He has it, doesn’t he?” Hiroki asked when he finally gained enough will to pull his hand away from his mouth. “Cancer, I mean.”

The doctor released a heavy sigh, and really, that was all Hiroki needed for confirmation. He could feel the world shift around him again, but he didn’t let it make him lose his balance again. He couldn’t let it because Nowaki needed him now more than ever before. It didn’t matter if he only had a week or years left; he was going to struggle until his very last breath. Even if it’s cured, people never really do recover from it, do they?

“I’m terribly sorry, Kamijou-san, but yes. I’m bringing you to his room so we can discuss treatment options and his likelihood of getting better.”

Hiroki nodded and honestly wished that he could detect any kind of sincerity in the man’s apology as a source for some sort of comfort. Of course, he couldn’t. It was all routine for the doctor now, all part of the job description and he probably didn’t have enough heart left to feel sorry for every poor soul that comes in and out of this place that is either dealing with the weight of their own illness, or the weight of a loved one’s sickness.

“Does he know?” Hiroki asked while the doctor lead them down the hallway where Nowaki’s room was. He watched closely for the doctor’s response, and he seemed to have known Hiroki’s watchful eye was on him because he chose to not verbally reply. A shake of head was all Hiroki needed as an answer anyway because he suddenly felt the crushing burden of being the one to tell Nowaki about his cancer. What kind of cancer is it?

He wasn’t about to let one of these apathetic doctors or nurses tell him. No, even if it tore him to pieces by forcing the words out of his mouth and watch Nowaki fall apart, he would be the one to tell him. This was something that Hiroki and Nowaki were going to have to deal with together and it was going to start off exactly that way. Together. He didn’t want Nowaki to be told unemotionally by a nurse or physician who knew absolutely nothing about him, unless they worked together occasionally. Even so, he wanted to be the one to comfort Nowaki because this was their trial as a couple. This was going to be the thing that would either build up their relationship or leave Hiroki shredded to bits in the end.

When Hoshino-sensei -the doctor- opened Nowaki’s temporary hospital room door, Hiroki saw his boyfriend sitting on the edge of the bed and staring out of the large window, his eyes distant. For a split moment Hiroki feared that one of the hospital’s staff members already broke the news to him, but when he turned to look at Hiroki in the doorway and an almost lazy smile crossed his features, the professor knew he still held the unfortunate privilege of telling him.  

“Hiro-san,” Nowaki said briskly, his eyes blinking slowly as if he was just waking up. Hiroki swallowed dryly and knew that Nowaki was still recovering from the seizure that snatched his body earlier that morning. God, how was he going to be able to do this? Nowaki almost looked like an innocent child sitting there. With a shiver, he realized this must be what Nowaki feels every time he has to tell a family that their little blessing is either sick or dying.

“I’ll leave you two alone for about five minutes but I cannot provide any more time than that. It’s a busy morning and I have many other patients to attend to,” Hoshino-sensei said curtly, his tone light, then shut the heavy door with a click once Hiroki was standing near Nowaki’s bedside.

“What’s the matter, Hiro-san? You look as if you’re about to cry,” Nowaki said gently and lifted his hand to brush his fingers against the man’s pale cheek. Hiroki himself felt flushed, but from Nowaki’s wary eyes, he could tell he probably looked the opposite. When he felt Nowaki’s fingertips dance delicately across his cheekbone, he didn’t flinch away from the touch, and in fact leaned further into it while resting his eyelids for just a moment.

His mouth opened, eyes still closed, as he prepared himself to come right out and say it because he didn’t have the time on his hands to beat around the bush. However, his tongue felt too heavy to get the words out and he abruptly felt as if he was a toddler just learning how to speak. He felt a rush of frustration at the feeling of not being able to express himself verbally, especially at a time like this, and felt all of his strong emotions bubble up inside his chest until he felt as if he were about to explode.

Nowaki had cancer, and how the hell were they going to deal with this? How was he going to be able to deal with the pain of ever losing Nowaki? How could he lose the man who made him remember how to feel positive about love again?

“Hiro-san,” Nowaki’s persistent voice cut through his thoughts. “Please, tell me. What’s wrong with me?”

That was when Hiroki realized Nowaki was scared too, terrified, and he didn’t even have anything to be frightened of at the moment besides the unknown.

“Cancer.” The word tasted bitter, foreign, and he wanted it to just go back from where it came from. “You have cancer.”

He held Nowaki’s crumbling gaze bravely, watching as Nowaki’s face shifted from the different emotions that were flickering through him quickly. He had eventually settled on one Hiroki had only seen on his face a handful of times: guilt. Hiroki was about to speak and ask why Nowaki was feeling anything except anger, disbelief, or sadness right now, but he was cut off when he was suddenly being held against Nowaki’s chest.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered hoarsely into Hiroki’s hair, his warm hands pressing against the small of his back, just drawing him closer. Hiroki blinked, his eyes aching and stinging with the effort of keeping his tears at bay. He drew in a sharp breath in order to try to stop them once again, but when he felt warmness trickle down to his shoulder, being the only indication that Nowaki was crying, he finally lost the battle.

With tears finally falling down his cheeks, he shook his head against Nowaki’s chest and clutched the cloth of his shirt tightly in his hands. “Why’re you apologizing?” Under normal circumstances, he would have added some sort of degrading name at the end of his question, but this wasn’t a normal situation. He and Nowaki were crying in each other’s arms in a hospital room where Hiroki just had to tell Nowaki he was ill with cancer.

Why us? Why him?

“You’re going to have to deal with this, and me-”

Hiroki wasn’t going to let him continue going down whatever path he was going with that sentence. He jerked his head up, his eyes staring into Nowaki’s eyes with such ferocity that the younger man fell silent instantly. “Don’t you dare apologize for you being sick. And don’t think that I’m just going to up and run because of this. We’re getting through this together, just like we always do.”

Nowaki stared down at Hiroki for a few long, breathless seconds before he nodded wordlessly and dipped his head down to kiss him gently. Hiroki accepted the public affection without any type of resistance except for the slight tensing of his body because of the shock of it. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, but it was long enough for more despair to sink lower into his body, and short enough to leave him yearning for more.

When Hiroki heard the door to the room open, he backed away from Nowaki reluctantly and wiped whatever residue tears that were still sticking to his cheeks. Now was not the time of cuddling and crying, he and Nowaki would have plenty of time for that once they returned home. Right now he needed to hear any kind of treatment options that could be offered for his boyfriend so they could get a little bit of hope in this fog of misery.   

“I apologize for not being able to offer you any more time in order to talk about this alone, but the sooner that we’re able to talk about Kusama-san’s treatment options, the better,” Hoshino-sensei said in a professional manner.

Hiroki managed a feeble nod before he lowered himself onto the twin sized hospital bed, next to Nowaki. He sat close enough so that their shoulders, thighs, and knees were touching and he resisted the longing to rest his head on his shoulder or lace their fingers together just so he could get closer. He had to restrain himself though because now wasn’t the time to try and comfort each other. This was about taking Nowaki’s illness into account and finding the best ways to treat him. This was all business now, no emotions needed.

“Now, from Kusama-san’s tests, it’s obvious that he has a brain tumor. It’s not entirely large, but it is still a major concern because it is a tumor, and not only that, but it is located at a very sensitive part of the brain,” Hoshino said once he sat himself down on one of the chairs in the room. “A very important part, and because of this I strongly recommend that we do not try performing surgery.”

Hiroki felt his breath catch in his throat for a fraction of a second before his breath rattled out of his lungs, hand shooting forward so he could grip Nowaki’s. Business or not, this was Nowaki they were talking about and there was nothing that contained Nowaki that didn’t make him feel something.

“I thought that was the only way you can get rid of the tumor,” Hiroki said, praying that there was some other way to cure it and make sure that the cancer continued to stay out of Nowaki’s body.

Before Hoshino could answer, Nowaki squeezed Hiroki’s hand and turned to him. “No, there’s chemo or radiation therapy that they can use. The only thing is, is that it can take a longer time and it’s going to make me sick.”

Hiroki furrowed his eyebrows, rounding on the doctor in front of them. “I thought your job was to make people better, not to make them worse.”

Despite Hiroki’s flare in temper, Hoshino-sensei displayed no outward reaction. “The chemo and/or radiation therapy would help Kusama-san in the long run. It would get rid of the tumor, but yes, both treatments do have their cons. Both make the patient sick because it is basically poison entering their body, but it’s the thing that kills the tumor.”

“What kind of sick are you talking about?” Hiroki asked, feeling extremely wary about this kind of treatment the doctor was offering. The only treatment he was offering because apparently it would be far too risky to attempt any kind of surgery. Hiroki really didn’t even want to hear the reasons as to why it was too risky to perform it. Death was one of the most obvious reasons standing out in his mind.

“Nausea and vomiting, fatigue, anemia, incontinence, fertility and sexual side effects,” Hoshino-sensei listed carefully. He obviously knew he was treading on thin ice with Hiroki’s current uncertainty towards the treatment. “I know that these side effects sound bad, and they’ll only get worse with each visit, but this is the only way that we can get rid of the tumor without risk of death or paralysis through surgery.”

Nowaki nodded slowly and gently lifted his hand to silence Hiroki when he saw him opening his mouth once again to argue. He knew Hiroki was only arguing because he was worried about how the chemotherapy and radiation will affect his body, but the cancer in the end would hurt him far worse. “With these treatment options, what is my percentage of survival?” He hated asking the question, but he was a doctor himself, and he knew he wasn’t even close to out of the woods.

He heard Hiroki’s sharp intake of breath when Hoshino said the percentage, and Nowaki could only cling onto his hand tighter.

“Seventeen percent is all you have in your favor, I’m afraid.”

XxX

When Hiroki and Nowaki both returned to their flat, they were silent. So much had happened this morning and Hiroki couldn't wrap his head all the way around it. He understood that Nowaki was currently struggling with a life-threatening brain tumor that was only going to be managed with treatment that will only make him more ill. How did that make any sense? Japan's Cancer Research Society had to have enough money and technology to have another cure for cancer by now. Of course it made no difference in their case to be angry at cancer's lack of treatments because the reality of it was that there were only so many treatments and Nowaki needed the help now. Nowaki didn't have the time to wait around until they break through with a final cure. **  
**

When they walked into the main living area of their apartment, Hiroki glanced over towards the kitchen and back at Nowaki. "Do you want tea or coffee?" he asked cautiously, purposely leaving out the option of lunch because if he wasn't hungry at all himself, he was positive Nowaki wasn't either. He was never all that hungry anymore anyways, thanks to the brain tumor.

"No," Nowaki replied, shaking his head slowly, his voice coming out distant and soft as if he were in some kind of trance. "I think I'm going to take a shower. I feel... gross." When Hiroki gave him a simple nod in return, Nowaki made his way towards the bathroom. As soon as Hiroki heard the tap water turn on in the shower, he turned around to go into the kitchen to make himself a warm cup of tea, even though he was sure he wasn't going to even touch it once it was prepared. In the very least, he would just set it on the coffee table in front of the sofa while reading a book and pretend that everything is normal, at least for a few minutes.

By the time Hiroki lifted his head again and let reality sink back onto his shoulders, Nowaki was standing in front of him with a damp towel draped over his bare shoulders and his dripping bangs covering his eyes. Hiroki waited patiently for Nowaki to meet his eyes, and once they did, Nowaki's composure finally cracked and shattered with a crumbling expression and tearful eyes. He plopped ungracefully onto the couch and buried his face into the crook of Hiroki's neck, breathing in his scent that was being masked by the familiar smell of the hospital. Hiroki pulled Nowaki closer when he felt warm tears splat against his skin.

"My head hurts," Nowaki mumbled into Hiroki's neck and Hiroki closed his eyes, a short breath escaping through his nose. The statement sounded so simple, so innocent, like something a small child would say when they feel the start of a fever or the flu. But they both knew the deeper context to it now and it just made Hiroki curl up against Nowaki, pulling his shorter legs up onto the couch and to Nowaki's lap so he could press his forehead against Nowaki's shoulder.

"I know," he said through the lump in his throat and the beginnings of tears. "We're getting your medication tomorrow after... chemo." The name of their first chosen treatment tasted bitter on his tongue and made him screw his eyes shut to the point he felt his nose crinkle with the action. They stayed silent for a few more minutes after Hiroki's last utterance, and said man had been staring at his cup of cooling tea through the silence. He wasn't going to ever have time to pretend this wasn't happening to them anymore. There was a stage four tumor pressing against Nowaki's brain making his entire body slowly, but surely, shut down and they couldn't ever just ignore that.

"Hiro-san?" Hiroki raised his eyes to look at Nowaki's face at the call of his name and gradually let his legs start to slip back down onto the floor. "Can we go lay down? I just... feel really tired and want to be close to you right now."

"Yeah," Hiroki answered softly as he raised himself up to his feet. Nowaki followed suit and on their way to the bedroom Hiroki felt their fingers interlock and he doesn't think he's ever felt so relieved to have the warmth of Nowaki's palm pressing into his own.

Nowaki's body was lying beside him, and Hiroki could hear his soft snores through the otherwise silent room. Hiroki shifted his legs underneath the duvet until they tangled with Nowaki's much longer ones, and he sighed quietly in comfort from the warmth he found there. Even though Nowaki's entire front was pressing against his back, and his warmth was seeping through his shirt and into Hiroki's, the man wanted to be close to him; needed to be close to him. The thought that one day, a day that is probably entirely too close for his liking, he's never going to have this warmth and body beside his again scared him. Terrified him. Petrified him.

He curled his fingers into the corner of his pillowcase, and the chill of the white silk against his cold fingertips startled him for some strange reason. Eventually, he mused to himself, this chill is going to be the only thing with him in this bed. Suddenly driven by panic, a frantic, blinding panic, Hiroki was untangling himself from Nowaki's limbs and sheets, so he could hover over the man's body. Before he could logically think about how ridiculous he was acting at the moment, he brought his lips to press against Nowaki's, eventually waking the man after a few desperate movements. "Hiro-san?" Nowaki asked sleepily, so sleepily, and Hiroki felt absolutely rotten because he knew that was one of the very few times that Nowaki has been able to get proper sleep and escape his constant headache. However, now that he was awake, and staring at Hiroki with such concern in his eyes that it made him wonder how he must have looked at that moment. He supposed he looked pretty damned awful from the way Nowaki was looking at him as if he was one of his old patients. "Hiro-san, what's the matter?" Hiroki only shook his head and weaved his fingers through Nowaki's slick, black hair and kissed him again, albeit more lightly and much less desperate.

"Just... need you," he murmured, which was so uncharacteristic of him to say in itself, it made the worry etch its way into Nowaki's face all the more. He didn't say anything though, and for that, Hiroki was grateful. Nowaki just pulled him up into his strong arms and kissed him back so gently that it reminded him of their time back at the library. He shivered and pressed himself closer against Nowaki's form, the words rushing out of his mouth before he managed to stop himself. "I can't lose you." And Nowaki looked so hurt, so guilty, over something that he had absolutely no control over, that Hiroki wished that he had taped his mouth shut. Instead of saying anything more, Hiroki just buried his face into the area between Nowaki's neck and shoulder, letting his lover take over and communicate everything else he wished to through body language. During everything, Hiroki severely yearned for the understanding of the silent language, but he could tell by Nowaki's slow and gentle movements, that he was trying to reassure Hiroki in any way he could that he was never going to lose him. Even if he wasn't physically there, he'll always be with Hiroki. The professor hated that it only made him feel so completely and utterly lonely.

Eventually, they had pulled all their clothes off and Hiroki was caught between Nowaki's body and the mattress with fingers deep inside of him. He had bent his legs up so they were spread enough for Nowaki's body to fit between and his eyes were focused solely on Nowaki's face. He watched as the man's eyebrows pinched together in concentration, as his lips parted just slightly every so often to gasp out when he lost his control for a split second, as beads of sweat rolled down his forehead to his nose only to drip onto Hiroki's body somewhere. He thought about how all of this could be gone in an instant, how he will eventually never get to feel Nowaki's fingers pressing inside of him in this way, how he won't be able to feel Nowaki's heart beat against his chest so erratically each time they do this, how he won't ever hear Nowaki's whispered, desperate confessions of his love for him, how Hiroki will eventually never get to respond.

Hiroki felt tears roll down his face from the corners of his eyes that Nowaki must have taken as his usual tears of pleasure, and he reached up for Nowaki as a cry of longing escaped his swollen lips. He placed his hands against the nape of Nowaki's neck, his fingertips trailing through the black hair that was splayed just above there. Nowaki's eyes narrowed and his fingers faltered their movements inside of Hiroki, crooking quickly again in just the way so they pushed against the spot inside of him that made Hiroki see stars. "I can't hold back much longer, Hiro-san," he murmured heatedly against the shell of Hiroki's ear.

"Then don't," Hiroki replied in a voice that was normally far too needy for him to stand. "I need you," he continued, eyes drifting shut momentarily as his eyes rolled to the back of his head when Nowaki's fingers grazed against him just right. When he had opened them again, he set them on Nowaki so everything else in the room blurred around them. "I need you inside of me."

Nowaki's fingers were pulled out in an instant, shortly replaced with something else that made Hiroki toss his head back against the pillow and dig his fingers into Nowaki's shoulders, to the point he figured it had to hurt, but Nowaki never said anything about it. When Nowaki was fully inside waiting for the other's command to go, Hiroki loosened his grip on Nowaki's shoulders and looked up at him through watery eyes. "Don't go fast," he gasped out tenderly, tracing abstract shapes into Nowaki's shoulder blades with his index fingers. "I just want to be close to you right now."

"Of course Hiro-san." Nowaki lowered his head down so their lips pressed together for a fleeting second as he started his first few movements, keeping his word on not taking anything too fast. His kisses were slow, his thrusts stayed at a rhythmic gentle pace, and his words of affection were uttered smoothly. Hiroki arched himself up so their bodies were pressed together, crossed his legs around Nowaki's waist so the heels of his feet gently tapped the small of Nowaki's back with every forward movement. Everything around them was so sweet and so different that Hiroki could feel his heart tremble inside of his chest and his next sound was a sob instead of a cry of pleasure.

As Nowaki continued to push himself inside of Hiroki, the man below continued to release sobs of grief rather than the one's of pleasure that Nowaki had grown so accustomed to hearing. “Hiro-san?” Nowaki asked, voice raw as his hips stilled.

“Why does this feel so final?” Hiroki asked, looking up at Nowaki with glassy, red-rimmed eyes. When Nowaki looked into them, he realized that they weren’t nearly black with lust or love, but of fear and sorrow. Nowaki choked back the response he couldn’t bare to see Hiroki react to at the moment, and dipped his head down so their foreheads pressed together, lips ghosting across each other with each of Nowaki’s resumed movements. Hiroki stopped his noisy sobs, but Nowaki continued to feel the warm tears from Hiroki’s eyes smudge against his own cheeks. And when they both reached their climax, it was Hiroki that reached out for Nowaki and kept him on top of him and inside of him instead of shoving him off.

"I love you," he sniffled into Nowaki's cheek, his nose nudging against Nowaki's jaw line like a cat trying to gain its owner's attention. "I love you so much, please remember that, no matter what happens."

"I will," Nowaki responded, his eyes closing once he felt tears cling to his eyelashes. "As long as you promise me you'll remember the same for me."

"Like I would ever forget."

Hiroki's reply made Nowaki cry silently into his hair until he regained sleep once more.

XxX

The next few days had passed just as they had been for the past few months, except with the added trips to the chemotherapy clinic and the heavy feeling of grief that had not yet lifted from their apartment. Chemo had gone just as Hiroki expected it to. Nowaki had been fine the few hours afterwards, and even was hungry enough that afternoon for them to stop by their favorite family restaurant after picking up his pain medication. However, as soon as they arrived home Nowaki felt exhausted and weak so he had gone to bed and hadn't woken up until the next morning. Hiroki didn't dare tell Nowaki how many times he stopped by the room to make sure he was still breathing.

Hiroki had also made a few calls to his close friends and family. His mother cried at the news and let him know that if they, or Hiroki, ever needed her for anything to call at any time. His father had sighed sadly and talked personally to Nowaki through the phone, letting him know that he was glad Hiroki found and fell in love with a man as good as Nowaki. When Nowaki had handed the phone back to Hiroki he looked happier than Hiroki had seen him in the past weeks.

Miyagi was also told just for work reasons, and the man said he would be glad to help out with whatever Hiroki needed, whether it be for work or personal reasons. At that moment, Hiroki had told him that he needed to cut his smoking habits out completely unless he wanted to leave Shinobu much earlier than either of them would want. Miyagi had stayed silent for a few moments before he quietly said that he was already working on it after his past cold that gave him and Shinobu a scare because of how bad his coughing had been. Hiroki told him to work harder on quitting because he had seen him smoke too many cigarettes in the office even with cutting back.

When he had called Akihiko it was during Hiroki and Nowaki's first trip to the chemotherapy clinic. He had been sitting in the waiting room as he waited for Nowaki to finish with his appointment, and had made sure to call at a time he was fairly sure Akihiko’s brat wouldn’t be home.

“Hiroki,” Akihiko had greeted him with when he answered. “It’s rare for you to call me in your own time. What’s going on?”

Akihiko’s immediate understanding that something was wrong made Hiroki almost smile. Despite the author’s outward appearance, and how he typically came across as, he was kind-hearted and was able to read people very easily, which probably helped him when it came to his writing. Hiroki always found it easy to tell Akihiko about things because he knew he could trust him, but this time the words were constricting his throat, making it hard to breathe, let alone talk.

“Hiroki?”

“Yeah, I’m still here,” Hiroki murmured, pulling the phone away from his face once he said so, to exhale shakily. When he pressed the phone back against his ear Akihiko was still hushed on the other end, calmly waiting for an explanation from Hiroki. “Nowaki and I are going through alot right now and I decided it was important for me to let you know exactly what’s happening.”

“Are you fighting?”

“No,” Hiroki promptly replied before his voice wavered and he scoffed. “Well, at least not in the way you’re referring to. A couple weeks ago I made a doctors appointment for Nowaki because he had been sick for the past month or so. The night before the appointment I woke up because he was having a seizure.”

Hiroki stopped talking when he heard Akihiko’s meek noise of surprise, but didn’t wait long enough for him to ask any questions. “He went to the hospital and after a few tests the doctor concluded that he had a brain tumor. Stage four, and of course it’s located in a place on the brain that it’s too risky to perform a surgery. I’m sitting in a chemo clinic right now because that’s the only kind of treatment available for him.”

“Hiroki-.”

“Don’t apologize,” Hiroki cut in hastily, his fingers trembling against his black phone case, finally beginning to lose his poise towards this whole situation. “I don’t want anymore pity, I’ve gotten it enough times from doctors and even Nowaki even though he’s the one dying.” Hiroki’s throat abruptly tightened at his realization, and he pressed the heel of his free hand into the center of his forehead. “He’s dying, Akihiko, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when he’s gone. I’m so… I’m just so scared.”

“You don’t know he’s dying, Hiroki,” Akihiko said in an obvious futile attempt to console his closest friend. “People have lived from stage four brain tumors before, even without surgery. I don’t believe that Nowaki is going to allow this sickness to take him away from you.”

“He’s got a seventeen percent chance of survival, and if that isn’t a hopeless percentage I don’t know what is. The doctor might as well have given him a certain number of months he has left, because from the way it looks to me, Nowaki doesn’t have very much time left. I don’t care how stubborn and persistent he is, when cancer wants to kill somebody, it does.  

Akihiko sighed tiredly from the other line, the sigh playing out like static through the phone. “This cynical view towards Kusama-san’s cancer is not going to help him in the slightest. If I were in his position, I wouldn’t want to hear Misaki gripe and moan about how unfair the illness is. Of course it’s unfair, I don’t care if you have a ninety-five percent survival rate, it’s still cruel, and Kusama-san knows it is. He probably knows it much better than you do, and you have to think about how much he must be suffering at the moment. Not only does he know he’s dying, but he knows that he’s hurting you by doing so. The people left behind are not the true suffers, so if you can do one thing for him while he’s living the last months of his life, it’s to encourage him through everything. When he’s gone and he’s done with his hardship you can give yourself time to grieve, and when this happens I’ll help you through it. He isn’t leaving you completely alone Hiroki, I don’t think he would ever be able to do that.”

“I’m sorry,” Hiroki muttered into the phone, blinking his stinging eyes repeatedly. It was nearing noon and Nowaki was going to be done with his appointment any minute and the last thing he needed to see was Hiroki sitting in the waiting room sobbing whilst on the phone with Akihiko. Like his friend said, that would only wound Nowaki more. “It just hurts.”

“Of course it does, it wouldn’t be reality if it didn’t.”

“I just wish we could escape it for a bit. Just long enough to breathe.”

“Everyone wishes the same thing, but we can’t do that. So, at most, all we can do is hang on and make the most of what we have available to us. Make his last days count and let him go peacefully without any regrets.” That, Hiroki decided, was exactly what he was going to do.

The next few weeks had continued in a similar way, with the frequent chemo visits and the usual daily struggle with the tumor. Things seemed to take a turn for the worse on a chilly December night close to Christmas. Nowaki had gone to his usual chemotherapy appointment, but also attended his very first radiation one as well. The doctor had assured them that if they did both treatments at once it might boost Nowaki's chances of survival, even if it did increase his side effects from the poisons being forced into his bloodstream. Nowaki readily agreed, and Hiroki hadn't said anything, because what could he say? Nowaki was the one who was truly suffering and if he wanted to take this risk for a better chance of healing, Hiroki was going to let him take it.

Hiroki was sleeping soundly that night when he was jostled awake roughly by Nowaki stumbling out of bed and towards the bathroom connected to their bedroom. When Hiroki had blinked the sleep out of his eyes and his brain was finally able to catch up with reality, he heard the sound to loud retching coming from where Nowaki had run. Hiroki had known this was coming from day one of the chemo and calmly stood from bed and made his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water for Nowaki before going to the bathroom, knowing how much Nowaki hated it when he saw him get sick.

When he arrived to the bathroom Nowaki was finished and was weakly spitting out whatever taste and bile that was left in his mouth, his large frame shaking, skin pasty and sweaty, with residue vomit stuck to the corners of his mouth and chin. Hiroki reached under the sink and grabbed a washcloth to run under some warm water. "Flush it," he instructed quietly, looking down to Nowaki until the taller man opened his eyes. "The smell will only make you sick again even though you don't need to get anything else out of your system." Once Nowaki followed his instructions, he bent down and helped the other off of the floor. "Brush your teeth and I'll go get you some more pain medication since you probably just expelled what you took earlier. And wipe off your mouth with that washcloth there."

As Hiroki brushed passed Nowaki, he threaded his fingers through Nowaki's black hair and pretended that the small clump of it that clung to his fingers briefly before falling to the ground was just his imagination.

XxX

Hiroki and Nowaki’s Christmas that year was spent inside a hospital room with cords and tubes sticking into Nowaki’s skin from almost every direction. While Hiroki was sitting in the chair beside Nowaki, eating a nearly expired turkey sandwich from the vending machine and his lover was eating a strict hospital diet meal, he came to the conclusion that their most likely last Christmas together was going to be spent inside a hospital room.

They were currently in this predicament because of Nowaki’s constant headaches that the tumor gave as an extra little gift. The headaches had been progressively worsening ever since Nowaki’s first trip to radiation therapy, but on Christmas Eve they were worse than Nowaki had ever experienced. He had to lock himself up in the bedroom with all lights off, curtains drawn tightly shut, no background sound, and a cool washcloth kept on his forehead at all times in a fruitless attempt to soothe the headache. Even when Hiroki gave him as much medication as he dared to give him the migraine still stubbornly persisted until Nowaki said that he needed to go to the ER.

So, they went and got Nowaki help. To Hiroki’s relief, Nowaki wasn’t put in the intensive care unit as he predicted because the doctor had said the headache really wasn’t anything that needed fret over. In fact, it apparently meant that the radiation and chemo were working and fighting against the cancer like they were supposed to. However, the doctor had amended, they needed to keep Nowaki here for a couple of days so they could find a new dose, or even type, of medication to keep the pain at bay until the tumor recedes slightly.

Since the doctors were working their hardest to find Nowaki a new medication to help him, they were pumping many kinds of medicines into his bloodstream to decide which one helps him out the most. Due to this Nowaki had been high through the rest of Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day itself. Hiroki felt like he was already spending his Christmas’ alone.

“I hate this,” Nowaki grumbled to himself as he shakily shoveled another spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. His glazed eyes darted over to Hiroki, a small, sad smile settling over his features once he caught Hiroki in his blurry view. “Holiday’s shouldn’t be spent like this. Especially not Christmas.”

“There isn’t much at all we can do about it,” Hiroki responded with a seemingly careless shrug. “You shouldn’t hate it so much. Shouldn’t you be the one saying that it doesn’t matter where we are as long as we’re together?”

“It isn’t really where we are that I hate, we’ve spent a Christmas in the hospital before. It’s the situation the I can’t stand, especially since I feel really strange and can hardly make sense of anything that I’m saying.” Nowaki swiftly shoved the tray of food away from his body with a heavy sigh, his eyes closing to the point a crease formed between his thin eyebrows. “And I also hate how being sick is affecting my attitude. I am normally never like this, you know that.”

“I don’t blame you at all for being a little moody, Nowaki. When people are sick, they get grouchy, especially if they’re as sick as you.”

“That’s not an excuse,” Nowaki snapped sluggishly, voice clipped as he shook his head, clearly not wanting to hear whatever Hiroki was about to say. “When I’m gone I don’t want you to remember how unreasonable I was for my last few months. I-.”

“Don’t say that!” Hiroki shouted, slamming his fist against the edge of Nowaki’s hospital bed that was closest to him. The expression on his face made Hiroki look wounded and he kept his face directed towards the floor as he hesitantly reached forward for Nowaki’s hand. “Please, don’t say that. I can’t… the last thing I want to think about right now, or ever, is you leaving me. I have no idea how I’m going to deal with it this time.”

“Hiro-san,” Nowaki breathed, the cloudiness in his eyes seemed to vanish in an instant.

“This wasn’t the way it was all supposed to happen. I was supposed to go first after we get all old and wrinkly and crabby. I was supposed to go peacefully and you were supposed to go after me just a little while later so we didn’t have to be apart for long.” Hiroki took in a deep breath, clutching onto Nowaki’s hand so tightly he feared it would break. But he didn’t let go, he couldn’t, not right now. Not while everything he was trying to hold back was overflowing without his permission.

“Why does it have to happen this way?” he whimpered, curling so close to Nowaki’s body that his face was pressed against his side. “It sucks. It sucks so much and I wish more than anything that I could reverse everything so we could go back to the way it’s supposed to be. The way it was.”

“I want that too, Hiro-san,” Nowaki said once Hiroki managed to calm himself down slightly, reaching an arm around him so he could hold Hiroki’s shaking body near his, as if he could stabilize him. “But… this is what fate we were given so we just have to live with it, for however long we have to. But before you can do that, you have to accept the fact that I’m dying. I’m not going to come back from this, and I don’t like saying that at all, not because I’m scared for me, but for you. I can’t leave you like this if I don’t know if you’re going to be okay without me.”

“Of course I’m not going to be okay, idiot,” Hiroki choked out. “Nobody in their right mind would be okay after the person they’re in love with passes away. But there isn’t anything that we can do so I’m eventually just going to have to deal with being alone. You can’t… you can’t die while feeling uneasy about me. If you have to go like this, I would want you to go peacefully. If it comes to the point when you’re dying, it’s obvious we tried everything we possibly could and it’s just your time. Don’t run yourself down faster by worrying about me so much.”   

“I’ll stay with you as long as I can, Hiro-san. I’ll fight harder than I ever have before just to get a few more months with you. All I want to know before I go is that I made you happy, even when everything seemed to be falling apart.”

“Idiot,” Hiroki cried into Nowaki’s side before he sat up straight and pressed his forehead against Nowaki’s temple, the tip of his nose brushing against Nowaki’s cheek so he could feel the tears slipping down there. “We’ll get through this. Even… even if you really have to go, I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay because I know even death can’t take you away from me.”

“Nothing could take me away from my Hiro-san,” Nowaki affirmed with a tearful laugh. “You’ll never be able to get rid of me.”

“I’d never want to get rid of you anyways.”

XxX

As the months dragged on Nowaki’s health deteriorated at such a fast pace Hiroki could hardly keep up with everything. Even with the medication keeping the ever-present migraine at arms length, Hiroki could tell Nowaki was still hurting. The chemotherapy made his body ache, made his stomach so weak he was barely able to even keep down water, made him so tired that most days all Nowaki wanted to do was sleep.

The radiation was causing mouth sores that made it difficult for Nowaki to eat whenever he had an appetite and it was slowly, but surely, making his hair start to thin and fall out. He wasn’t yet bald, or really close to it, but each time Hiroki ran his fingers through it he could feel the difference.

One evening after work Hiroki was preparing dinner for himself, mostly because all Nowaki could keep down anymore was tea and basic, unspiced meals. Nowaki was sitting on the couch in the living room, watching some sort of documentary over endangered animals that he was clearly not paying any attention to. Nowaki was simply staring outside the balcony window, continuously stirring the tea Hiroki had given him a couple minutes ago.

Hiroki looked at Nowaki worriedly, his behavior reminding him of the night of his seizure. He had been spacey all day, or at least since Hiroki arrived home from work, and he was starting to complain about how he was numb in a few of his limbs. Didn’t that happen on the night he had the seizure?

“Hiro-san,” Nowaki called from the couch as he slowly started to raise himself up from the couch, his left hand gripping tightly onto the arm of the couch. “I feel really weird right now,” he murmured, catching Hiroki’s full attention.

“Sit back down-!” Hiroki called out, dropping the mug he was holding onto the counter. His exclamation was cut short by a gasp when he watched Nowaki collapse onto the floor. He rushed over to him, his heart pounding against his rib cage madly to the point he felt a little breathless when he reached his writhing lover.

Choked, alarmed noises were escaping from somewhere in Nowaki’s throat and Hiroki reached for the fleece blanket on the couch to shove between his teeth. “Nowaki,” he whispered, voice rough with the startled cries he’s been holding back. “Hang in there, okay? I’m going to call for an ambulance and we’re going to get you help.” He ran his fingers fleetingly through Nowaki’s thinning hair before he stood shakily to his feet and snatched up the home phone.

By the time the call was finished it was silent in the apartment, and the sounds Nowaki had been making earlier quieted down until they were nonexistent. Hiroki turned around and saw Nowaki staring at him through hazy eyes, the blanket lying on the ground next to his foamy mouth.

“I should have taken you to the hospital as soon as I got home,” Hiroki said as he sunk to the ground, his knees pressing against Nowaki’s limp arm. “This wouldn’t have happened if I did.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Hiro-san,” Nowaki argued, his voice hoarse and tired. Oh, God, he sounded so tired. “The seizure would have occurred anyway. There isn’t anything the doctors could have done to stop it from happening.”

Hiroki merely shook his head and rested it against Nowaki’s chest, placing a couple gentle kisses along Nowaki’s collar bone as reassurment. “I love you,” Nowaki murmured, his voice slurred, as Hiroki kissed his exposed skin tenderly.

“I love you, too.”

“I know.”

He wasn’t sure how long they had laid there like that in the complete silence, save for the quiet hum of the endangered animals documentary from the television. When the ambulance sirens cut through the quiet, Hiroki had never been so relieved, especially when he discovered Nowaki had passed out under him.

A couple hours later Hiroki was being confronted by Nowaki’s usual doctor, who was staring at him with a grim expression. Hiroki wasn’t stupid, he knew what that face meant on a doctor’s face, especially since he’s seen Nowaki make the same expression towards patient's parents. This was it. Nowaki was losing this fight.

“Kusama-san is not giving any indication of waking up. I don’t think he ever will, even if he survives through the night. His body is starting to completely shut down, and even if he does wake up, it will only be for a couple days at most. He’ll stay in this coma-like state with the life support for about another month before his organs eventually all stop functioning. I know that this decision is hard, but you need to choose whether or not you’ll keep him on life support.”

Why did doctors always have to beat around the bush?

“I’ll give you a while if you-.”

“Pull it,” Hiroki said so quietly that the doctor had to strain to hear his response. Hiroki’s head bowed and his fists clenched so tightly at his sides that they trembled. “Pull it because it’s what he would want me to do, and I can’t keep being selfish and just keep him here as long as I can. It’s not fair for him, none of this is fair for him, so I would at least want to make them as painless as possible for him.” He paused to take a deep breath, his chest aching as he did so. “And hurry, before I end up changing my mind.”

“Of course, Kamijou-san. The room will be available to you as long as Kusama-san is still alive.”

“Thanks,” Hiroki replied monotonously, because how else is he supposed to respond to a statement like that? “I’ll be up there in a few minutes. I need to make a call first.”

“It’s no problem, Kamijou-san, take all the time you need,” the doctor said briskly before walking away towards the elevator so he could go pull Nowaki’s life support out. So he could kill Nowaki and force him away from Hiroki for good.

“Fuck,” Hiroki sobbed, placing a hand over his eyes while he shook until he composed himself. He needed to hurry. He needed to hurry and call Akihiko so he could get up to Nowaki’s room and say goodbye before it was too late. Before he missed his chance to hold his warm hand one last time and hear his heart thump against his ear. Before he didn’t have a Nowaki to go home to ever again.

When he made it up to Nowaki’s hospital room there were no nurses or doctors buzzing around him to try and keep him alive; because there was no point to try and keep him breathing anymore. Nowaki was just too tired to keep going any longer, and Hiroki knew that. A person can only take so much before they lose the strength to go on, and Nowaki is no omission to that fact.

“I did what you would have wanted me to do,” Hiroki said once he was sat in a chair next to Nowaki’s bedside. He reached forward and ran his long fingers through Nowaki’s soft hair, scratching the scalp lightly behind his right ear, a place he knew was sensitive. “It was really hard to do, and it still is. I see the life support in the corner of the room and I want nothing more to run over and plug it back in. But won’t do you any good will it? And that isn’t what you want, and if that isn’t what you want I’m not going to go against your wishes. In the least, you deserve to go the way you want to.”

Hiroki’s voice quivered and he had to suck in a breath between clenched teeth before he could speak again without dissolving into tears. He could do that later, but right now it was about Nowaki. He was not about to spend his last minutes with Nowaki crying and mourning over a death that had not yet happened. When Nowaki was really gone and not listening, he would allow himself to grieve.

“You’re so strong Nowaki, and you gave this your very best fight. I-I’ve made the decision a while ago to come down here on my free days to tell the sick kids here about you. Not even this story, but how you lived while everyone else said you weren’t ever going to live the way you wanted to. You’ve inspired so many people without even knowing, and I’m going to make sure you keep inspiring people even if you’re not physically here with me.”

Hiroki reached forward, his hand skitting across the cool bed sheets before he laced his fingers with Nowaki’s. “I guess all I want to say now is thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and fighting for the relationship we have even when it seemed impossible to get through. Most of all, thank you for loving a grump like me. I never deserved a man like you in my life, ever. I am so lucky I had the privilege to love you, and even more lucky that you loved me with the same exact passion. I am so grateful for the time we shared together, even if it was cut short. I would have never traded what we have, or had, for anything else in the world, and I want you to die knowing that.”

He smiled sadly, a few tears slipping down his cheeks as he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Nowaki’s forehead lovingly. “I love you, and I never will stop loving you until the day I follow after you. Maybe I won’t even stop then, especially if I wake after death with you just standing over me with that big, stupid grin on your face. I… can’t wait until that day, but until then I’ll continue living as happily as I can because I know that’s what you want more than anything else. It will be difficult at first, it will be so difficult, but just know that I’m going to try my hardest for you.”

He exhaled shakily and glanced up at the heart monitor, watching as the beats started to slow. Fear gripped his heart as he watched the lines weakly climb up the screen, but he tore his eyes away before he forgot what else he needed to say before Nowaki was gone forever. “I’ll miss you so much, but don’t let that make it harder for you to go. All I want for you is for you to be happy and free of pain, and if is the only way that is going to happen then I… know that it’s best this way. I just want you to know when you go is that I love you and you are the very best thing that has ever happened to me. Never forget that.”  

He leaned down and pressed a brief kiss to Nowaki’s slightly parted, chapped lips before pulling away and placing his head on his chest. He kept his ear pressed to Nowaki’s chest, eyes closed while he listened to his diminishing heartbeat and their hands clasped together loosely. When the heartbeat finally stopped with a stutter and Nowaki’s breathing ceased, the heart monitor’s long, drowned out beep filled in the stillness.

“Goodbye, Nowaki,” Hiroki whispered, releasing Nowaki’s larger hand so he could cup the other man’s cheeks tenderly. He gave Nowaki one last kiss and murmured ‘I love you’ against his lips numerous times before he pulled away. A few of his tears fell onto Nowaki’s cheeks, sliding down slowly so it looked as if the man was crying as well.

“And I always will.”

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry? 
> 
> This was unedited, basically, so I'm sorry for any mistakes throughout this piece of work. If anyone notices any mistakes that made the flow of the story stumble let me know and I'll change it right away. Thanks to everyone who has read, left kudos, and commented. It makes me feel incredibly happy to know some people are enjoying my writing!


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